janeiro

im tired and im not taking care of my health like i should. and sometimes i think its on purpose............ SORRY IM COMPLETELY NORMAL ABOUT THEM once again in my ugly very tired vitamin d deficiency era yeah and actually i dont have a job

fevereiro

i had no internet for 5 days and i hate being aware of how boring is my life not living just constantly waiting for the next episode of the last of us (btw im watching it with my mom and we're both obsessed with the found family trope) CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIRANO TO KAGIURA

março

WHY CANT I STOP SELF-SABOTAGINGGGG I LITERALLY WANT TO KMS i love my girlfriend. i love being in love with her theres a lot on my mind. i cant even put it into words. its unbearable to deal with myself. i want to give up so bad. im a coward im tryin

abril

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT. btw great show im glad it exists playing my third gacha (honkai star rail) knowing that i already sold my soul to genshin impact and cookie run ovenbreak

maio

in my lerning french era and i dont exactly have a proper reason for it i just find their pronunciation pretty me wasting my time planning things i have no control over #girl yeah these days i have been confused and discouraged about life, i cant have a peaceful sleep without having nightmares. i want to pretend that everything is fine but in terms of practice i have no idea where does it even start. i get desperate to distract myself for then, in the end of the day, feel pathetic about it. i cant make friends because im pathetic and afraid of life. i write in my term paper that people are living inside their machines and forgetting about their lives because im writing about me. the people of my country seem so free – i, on the other hand, seem to prefer to stay inside an open cage. my parents where right pointing out my sensitiveness when they don't understand me. im too much i will never learn how to be at peace with myself GRADUATED #healing my ears are sensitive stop dropping loud music

abril

i'm not sure who i am or who i'm going to be but so far i can't offer anything good to others and me. over the years until today i feel less motivated to know new things around me because i find myself out of place and inadequate; and that makes people unease when they're with me. perhaps this report proves my toxicity so many things to do.. and what if nothing good happens to me over time?

junho

eita como sou insegura em todos aspectos da minha vida

i wish i were more gentle w myself but instead i unconsciously forgot im a human being w flaws and things like that (im feeling too tired to elaborate i just needed to put it out there; some other time i will try to understand better whats going on)

im afraid i will destroy my relationships because of my mental condition

julho

in my trigun stampede era

tem vezes que desenhar nao me traz uma sensaçao boa porque me faz lembrar o motivo pra eu ter começado a me empenhar que foi pra ser vista pelas pessoas (ja que eu nunca me destaquei em nada). ate hoje eu me pergunto se eu gosto mesmo de trabalhar com isso ou so me acomodei com a ideia de que é o que as pessoas esperam de mim

desperately need to stop the thoughts in my head if i want to keep sane only posting this here because i dont want to lose it. VERY ACCURATE i end up hating everything that comes from me. i cant stand my face in selfies, i cant stand my illustrations, i cant stand even my personality. and so on. im boring

oh the torments are back. apparently i cant be at peace with myself for more than 3 days

THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING!!!! (im playing pokemon violet and legends arceus)

read kieta hatsukoi

agosto

my head is a mess and im contemplating suicide /not joking

hoje foi dia dos pais e a familia se reuniu e eu percebia o quanto eu me sinto deslocada no contexto social. agonizante. meu estado mental anda afetando as poucas relações que eu tenho e nao tem muito o que eu consiga fazer além de enxergar tudo de longe. e em falar de relações eu continuo me sentindo uma fracassada perto da minha irmã. ela é sociavel, assertiva e determinada. eu acredito que isso nao seja inveja porque eu quero que ela continue assim. uma coisa boa é que apesar de eu nao gostar da minha aparência eu nao sinto mais ansiedade por causa dela, pelo menos perto dos meus parentes mais proximos. eu também ando me forçando a desenhar. eu gosto dos rascunhos mas a finalizaçao sempre fica uma merda; eu sei que o aperfeiçoamento demanda tempo e eu nao to com paciencia pra isso. eu nao quero desistir por enquanto (eu acho)

i dont know if its my unconscious trying to hurt me but its the third time ive burned my skin this month

its hard to understand why some few people still like me. i shouldnt overthink about this

going back and forth between feeling disconnected from life and waves of sadness

playing genshin impact and exploring fontaine. im also drawing a lot of fanarts of their characters

voltei com a skincare + talvez eu esteja gostando do processo de um desenho novo + to lidando bem com o tempo que cada coisa pode acontecer

setembro

rewatched ofmd s01

oftentimes i feel sadness burning in my chest. and i dont think i have a proper reason for feeling like this (or maybe i have too many and dont want to admit them). its been a while since i felt peace

should i stop writing here? i have the feeling im oversharing things that i should be embarassed about. i created this list in order to remember nice events and thoughts but it has been unfolded into episodes of depression

(at least im not doing this on twitter)

this is exactly the internal monologue inside my head

outubro

life passing by and im stuck inside me?

i guess it was a mistake to stop taking my antidepressants but i actually dont really care ♥

this month i realized that i (still) repress my feelings a lot. being honest with myself and others seems unapproachable for me :-(

YOU WEAR FINE THINGS WELL.....

minha relaçao com meus pais sempre foi e continua complicada pq parece que muitas vezes eles usam chantagem pra me botar pra baixo pra repensar em fazer o que eles querem (e isso acontece desde minha infancia). tenho a sensaçao de que eu to num ambiente abusivo mas eu nunca admitiria isso em voz alta pq pelo menos eles nao se importam de eu continuar aqui mesmo sem ter um emprego. acontece que (nos ultimos dias) minha cabeça ta uma bagunça e to cuspindo grosserias neles; isso me faz ficar mal pq eu nao sei pedir desculpa por causa dos meus exageros. sera que eu sou ruim assim mesmo? ou sera que eu cresci achando que eu sempre preciso ser submissa ao que me acontece e qualquer reaçao fora disso me faz pensar que o que eu to fazendo é o errado? acho que eu me acostumei com o fato de que eu nunca desenvolvi uma personalidade fora do meu desequilibrio mental. tudo me faz voltar a pensar com certa frequencia que pra nao tomar um destino fatal eu preciso de ajuda mas eu nao quero me ajudar pq eu nem gosto o suficiente de mim pra me cuidar desse jeito

mesmo com todo esse raciocinio pessimista e negativo ainda existe uma ponta de amor proprio que me faz pensar que eu mereço melhor e talvez um dia eu possa viver em um ambiente diferente com relacionamentos que nao despertem o pior de mim (isso se um dia eu conseguir me livrar do casco que me inclina pro conforto do isolamento)

i hate when i get jealous. se manque muito e cresça

dezembro

i may be depressed again. and right now i dont feel able to write about my feelings so i cant fully understand this turmoil

at times i get sad because my heart says i dont belong anywhere. i see people my own age having fun and doing things they want to and when i try to think about myself i realize theres nothing that actually catches my eyes. i wish i could blame on someone for me becoming who i am (a weird loner) just for the pleasure of not carrying this suffocating guilt. but i cant. im witnessing a decline in my condition and i cant change it. i cant make friends. it's hard for me to believe in my potential. i only wish i had an option to turn off. im tired.

it hurts to hear my mom saying that i seem distant with each passing year and how it has been affecting my relationship with my sister. i dont know what to do? i believe i will remain the same despite every effort to change. and when i think about it i agree with them, its a challenge to deal with my absence. this makes me think that maybe i was a mistake, if things had been different in the present moment things might have been easier. make me feel like a white elephant – my life is a gift but is out of proportion to its usefulness

i need to be more gentle and patient with myself