♬ the pens run dry, and the lines never come out right anyway. or, like arthur morgan says, i write like a damn fool.

• maybe it should feel like a betrayal, but it doesn't
• to hell in a handbasket (overdramatic, as usual)
• i can talk (or think) myself out of anything.
• i'm quiet about it, as with most things.
• i've always had a tenuous relationship with god
• the psychoanalysis of it all is a little too easy.
• i'm realizing (really, truly) that i am a deeply egotistical, self-centred person. having low self-esteem and being painfully shy does not absolve me of this, if anything, the two things are inextricably linked. if i wasn't so self-centred, i would be more willing to see the value i have to others, while also recognizing how insignificant my flaws, insecurities, and neuroses truly are.
• as if he was written into my life.
• as if waiting for the rapture, and no storms came. a reckoning, but of a different kind.
• down to the way i take breath
• the greyness i occupy, a revelation -
• a mistake, the magnitude of which will only be determined by how long i stick to my guns when i ought to know better
• nothing romantic - but isn't it?
• best described as an ongoing crisis
• if i die, and i would say, "we'll see," but, well, i won't.
• reading case law and research papers... how festive...
• oft-fleeting, oft-failing interpretations (because that's they can be, all there is)
• not precisely sexual, not more than anything else is sexual,
• an escape, like so many other things i find myself chasing
• i just wish someone could tell me what to do. like sylvia plath said, i need some older, wiser being to cry to. i talk to god, but the sky is empty.
• feels very topical for current events, but maybe it always has been and always will be.
• the kid is far smarter than me already. i hope he finds happiness in this life.
• like a real academic.
• i dig it. (old man phrase i unconsciously picked up from c)
• famously so, in a bad time in history to be such a thing.
• i like his wit.
• an artist, like me.
• does it look as perverse as it feels?
• before the shackles of law school and, if everything goes according to plan, a comfortable middle-class existence.
• damn, it made my heart ache.
• obviously, i'm fucked in the head,
• ensures i don't get any misleading ideas about him, and more importantly, me.
• i'll never say that it isn't, so it just might be.
• i'm far from myself again.
• i'd never heard that word before and had to look it up (a steadily rarer occurrence, but one that still excites me as it did when i was a kid)
• better, as intellectual equals.
• like billie holiday said, you go to my head.
• just as true and whole as any version of me, as the butterfly is to the cocoon is to the caterpillar.
• that he indulges somewhat rarely, which makes it more rewarding when he does.
• i know you well enough to see some darkness in you. i wonder how you see me.
• i swear i felt my consciousness shift in that hallway.
• teach me to reveal myself in more than pretty words and pencil strokes.
• asked me if i "actually" listen to country music. damn straight.
• i have the same amount of "weirdness" of my body as most people do, which makes me perfectly average.
• said that's a dumb way to describe it, so i'm writing that out of spite.
• ain't exactly ideal...
• i can actually be really soft and sappy, it turns out, but only when it's as inconvenient as possible.
• i think my past self would be so proud of me.