• (2) binders; 3 inch.
• (1) pack Ticonderoga penicils.
• (1) Sharpie highlighter.
• (3) Five Star notebooks.
• (3) GT Pilot pens; extra fine.
• (1) sketch book.
• (4) folders.
• (1) cute new pencil holder:]

• i am no longer taking/using/abusing drugs. i am clean and not dependent. it's been too long.
• i have quit smoking. not completely, but mostly.
• i have tried new sports.
• i am much more confident, despite a weight gain.
• i am an awesome artist and don't care if that sounds cocky.
• i am healthy.
• i don't puke constantly.
• i sleep, because i have meds.
• i don't put up with my parents shit anymore.
• i drive well.
• i got the boy. kinda. well. he needs to go be more outgoing because i can't do everything.
• i care about myselfand others much more :]

• underwear.
• a new body spray.
• athletic gear:
  • shorts.
  • dri fit tshirt.
  • soffees.
• art stuff.
• socks.
• shaving cream.
• new tanksss.
• hair gunk.

• rock by the Newmasket.
• Duxbury bridge.
• the leaning tree.
• the town pool hill, in winter.
• the frozen bogs.
• the thawed bogs.
• the jetti.
• Fenwayy.
• that fountaint.
• Chinatown<3
• Quincy, Emperial Terrace.
• Wal-Mart, 12 am.
• the herring run.

• speakers.
• frisbee/ ball.
• sketchbook/ pencil case.
• towel.
• purse contents.
• ipod.
• snacks/ water.
• nicotene gum.
• sweatshirt?
• headband/ bobby pins.
• schedule.
• book.
• money.
• knitting.
• umbrella?

• alex.
• fruit picking.
• sleep.
• volleyball.
• my cousins.
• the sun.
• becca.
• painting what i felt.
• leaving army men around the house with my brother so my parents would step on them.
• penny and barney.
• gramma, the t, the ducklings.
• my grandpa's sketches.

• lucas' birthday / his trippp:]
• scheduling becca time!
• getting money for the movies/ train.
• scheduling kat time.
• beach time this week?
• surrealism must be done.
• practice on what days? what times?
• extra practices when?
• schedule free time.
• hang out time wif eveyonee:]
• start alligator project.

• their blatant indecisiveness.
• the way they flirt.. or don't?
• the way they know, and agree but won't take the next step.
• the way they think..
  • i have trouble following their thoughts..

• suede couches/ beaten up leather chaise lounge.
• electric wire spool table.
• persian rug.
• white down comforters.
• maytag washer/dryer combo in blue.
• speakers throughout the house wired to one main stereo with ipod compatability.
• 1950's fride for a bookcase.
• fridge with a glass front.
• fun shaped phone!
• cherry wood foors.
• a library.
• lawn gnomes.
• window boxes filled with flowers.
• sunflowers leading to the door.
• shag carpet basement. :]
• a dog, boston terrier/ doberman.
• a fireplace.
• a studio.
• easels set up everywhere.

• breathe deep.
• rationalize.
• continue chewing that gum.
• realize that this little incident isn't the end of the world.
• move on to the next one.
• visit becca.
• enjoy my birthday! i am sixteen.
• study and focus on school.
• focus on not talking, laughing, saying sarcastic comments.
• accept that i will be alone forever.
• work on my game.
• be nicer, just do it.
• talk to cassie.
• stop eating for five fuckin seconds.
• chillll...

• work aftercare.
• not have another cigarette past this day.
• a non-farmers tan.
• get to warped this year!
• get an A in Agebra, Bio and Studio.
• work on tennis and volleyball form.
• work on inner-happiness.
• get all the CDs i want with my hard earned money.
• read ten new books.
• better sleep habits.
• visit adelieeee:]
• visit my brotherr.
• boston with kt :]
• drop 10 pounds.
• better eating habits.
• strength training at the YMCA.
• confidence in my driving.
• get my driver's permit.
• buy my own fancy perfume.

• diet mtn dew.
• quick snacks;
  • granola bars, fruit snacks, crackers, cheezits?
• fruit;
  • apples, bananas, oranges, pomegranites(?), grapes, peaches.
• veggies;
  • lettuce, banana peppers, tomatoes, cukes.
• salad dressing;
  • ranch, caesar, italiano!
• yogurttt.
• water!!
• bulky rolls.
• eyeliner.
• new nail polish color.

• quit and this time for real. i mean it.
• eat healthier.
• purchase an aluminum/ refillable bottle.
• brush my teeth three times a day.
• deep condition my hair.
• quit the other shit for real. work on it.

• being absent.
• aunt lisa.
• lack of sleep.
• not legally being able to fill my scrip.
• dizel.
• tennis.
• nelly's lack of teaching skills.
• factoring shit.
• MCAS retakes.
• putting good friends on the backburner.
• boys who just don't get it.
• rude short people named brandon who i will kill.
• not being able to open the lock.
• not being able to speak complete sentences.
• laundry.
• big huge hair.
• that clenching feeling in my stomach because i must have forgot something...

• to not be tired.
• to have a fresh pack.
• to drop 10 lbs.
• to let go of what Dizel said.
• to mastger my forehand.
• to have my homework be done:
  • Algebra 2
  • Studio
  • History thru Media
• to be tannn.
• to look good in my swimsuit.
• to feel better.
• to get new bras, tanks, shorts and sweatshirt.
• to see Kick-Ass
• to find another band i listen to like Manchester Orchestra.
• to find something more than what i have.
• to focus on what sean and ethan said. :]
• have my birth control work.

• ryan dean- 'does he fly over your house like... always.'
• shannon griffith- 'he stole that!'
• kyle forcier- he ust makes me glad that i am not him. he's great because of how fucking dumb he really is.
• the instructor- cuz she uses our class as an impromptu dr. phil session about her baby daddy drama.
• blunt run.
• our ten minute break where she runs off and smokes.
• just, well, everything.

• pick up my car.
• laundry.
  • iron my dress and shirtt!
• finish my self portrait.
• pick up my physical.
• call t&c/ get dates!
• sleeeep.
• Algebra 2 hw.
• organzie my scheduleee.
• hit around in the basement if it's a washout.
• cash check.
• text vanna
• pick out a SUPER adorable outfit.
• also, 'pick up': hair dye, face powder, bra, nail, polish, jewelry, undies, ring.
• get through my pattern.

• A: arguing, apples (green), ABBA, amanda
• B: badass leather coats, brick buildings, building, birds (hawks), Bouncing Souls, Boston, books
• C: christina, cupcakes, colors!, carving, clipping my nails, comeback kid
• D: darkness, dead of night, dipper (big and little), diet mountain dew, Dunkin Donuts, drives
• E: ewoks, eggsss, embers
• F: fire, fireworks, flames, flamers, flying insects, fish, flying, Flipper impersonations
• G: grains, goldfish, gladiator sandals, guitarsss, grass, green
• H: hitting, happiness, helping, hickory smoked beef jerky
• I: independence, ignoring the foolish, Independence Mall
• J: jaunts, jolly (as a word, people, santa), jigs, jumping shit, jars (antique), jel...

• Pride- Manchester Orchestra
• Where Have You Been?- Manchester Orchestra
• Royal Oil- Mighty Mighty Bosstones
• The Rascal King- Might Mighty Bosstones
• Miserable Life- Polar Bear Club
• My Way Out- The Expendables
• WHen Keeping it Real- The Wonder Years
• BlahBlahBlah- Ke$ha

• "entirely too... (much/little/enough)"
• "wicked sorry"
• "madcrazy"
• "that's chill"
• "real"
• "FUCK!"
• "what a fat cunt."
• or any other variation of cunt.
• "that's cute"
• "whatsupppp"
• after everything. even when i am not asking a question... whatsupppp.

• the freshman- mustard plug
• a mutinous dream- throw me the statue
• india ink- 311
• big pimpin' - jay-z
• dead and gone- i am the avalanche
• the wolf- miniature tigers
• frisky business- daggermouth
• cut the strings- gatsby's american dream
• who says- john mayer
• magazines- brand new
• blahblahblah- ke$ha
• cavlier eternal- against me!
• hopeless romantic- the bouncing souls
• i'm feeling this- blink 182
• strictky rude- big
• cannibal queen- miniature tigers
• hey joe- jimi hendrix
• guilty conscience- eminem

• getting/ applying for a job.
• acquiring a permit handbook.
• getting Hannah to practice tennis with me.
• finding our Prince rackets/ getting them from Suzanne.
• signing up for driver's ed
  • talking to teacher ahead of time about tennis exceptions..
• drawing five feet before vacation is over.
• schoolwork.
• make sure i am toning up, often, gym everyday.
• sleeping. focusing on getting more.
• make plans with:
  • jake/dani/nicole- see the Crazies.
  • khalee- see a show.
  • cassie- go hiking, practice tennis, chill...

PRO'S

• i can reach the top shelf.
• more clothes are created for height.
• when i wear heels, i look uber sexy.
• i am naturally good at most sports because sheer size is a must
  • this excludes cross country.
• i look alot older than i am, so i can get away with alot.
• i can climb trees/ fences real easy.
• when decorating rooms, i can reach the ceiling.
• people enjoy snuggling with me.
• i can go on every ride!
• for hide and seek, i always crawled into the high spots that no one could reach.

CON'S

• i am not that 'compact child' that guys seems to want.

• going to the gym and running.
• nothing.
• shoveling snow.
• picking up dog shit.
• cooking dinner.
• refilling the paper towl dispenser.
• scratching wood.
• getting out of bed in the morning.
  • then getting out the shower in the morning.
• sharing my cigarettes.
• sharing in general.
• drawing skeletons.
• getting up and changing the channel just cuz i don't know where my remote is...

• i can't get that kid.
• i can't convince myself to get out of bed.
• i just wanna quit smoking.
• that khalee can't just fucking go to the show so i am stuck with chlo.
• that i can't stop obsessing.
• i need to go workout.
• i need to feel happy, but i just can't.
• i haven't been as social as i like.
• cass is moving on, and idw lose my girl <3
• people make me feel like crap.
• my lights arent light enough and my darks aren't dark enough.
• i have to do chores, but i just don't really wanna.
• i miss old friends, why can't i get them back??
• i can't just sit around, unless i wanna feel like a failure.

• birch trees.
• the color purple.
• shave cream.
• clean, unpainted nails.
• snow plows.
• Reese Witherspoon.
• Bashful the dwarf.
• being nice. (someone should tell David Young)
• polka dots.
• lettuce.
• staying in for a weekend, resting, working on crafts.
• chocolate milk from a carton.
• sideburns.
• cords. (cordouroys)
• female/ male collaborations.
• belts.
• worms.
• layers.
• Tispaquin Pond.

• borrowing a dress from dez.
• david santos' dancing.
• all the skanks that go bump in the night.
• watching people squirm.
• awkward conversations with mike... :/
• DOING THE JERSEY SHORE FIST PUMP. legit.
• getting looks from skinny one.
• the fact that journey was played.
• machnik being pint sized.
• my little dance crew :]
• people watchinggg.
• awkward children!

• shave my legs.
• paint my nails (silver).
• shower.
• floss.
• wash mah face.
• lotion up. :]
• do some laundry.
• clean my room.
• visit wif the aunts. :[
• FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MAH HURR.
• rid myself of the x.

• the batman big wheel. it had a hidden compartment when you popped open the seat. we stored snacks, pokemon cards, army men and stick weapons in that seat.
• bloody battles. beating the crap out of each other on the daily was our thing. over any adn everything. you got more juice? POW. you happened to find the rare japanese pokemon card in you deck? BAM. but, seeing as he is 6'5, 200 lbs, we don't do that so much.
• the evergreens. snow on the trees made them the perfect fort. we would climb to the very top (only after falling millions of times) and imagine it was our kingdom.
• pratt farm/ town pool hill. sledding. oh god. we greased up the already slippery sled and built a jump. since we were fighting over the sled we both just jumped on. can you say pain?
• army. you sure do gotta love plastice hoc...

• a dessert, i'd be mudpie.
• a shoe, i'd be converse.
• a letter, i'd be x.
• an article of clothing, i'd be a sweater.
• an animal, i'd be a tree frog
• a book, i'd be The Everlasting Story
• a writing utensil, i'd be a GT Pilot pen, extra fine.
• a religion, i'd be christian/buddhist.
• a television network, i'd be SciFi (before the name change)
• a show, i'd be YoGabbaGabba.
• a plant, i'd be a cacti.
• a flower, i'd be a sunflower.
• a mythical creature, i'd be an E-wok.
• a hot beverage, i'd be a pumpkin spice latte (venti)
• a carbohydrate, i'd be an asiago cheese roll.
• a scent, i'd be a spring morning mixed wi...

• wear anything but cardigans and v necks
• do anything to my hair
• do my homework
• go play outside
• smile as often
• lie as much
• ever finish my scarves
• try in spanish
• try with people
• keep my distance
• write in my journal anymore
• sketch/ create/ photograph anymore
• eat vury well
• care

• Brotherly Love- Have Heart
• No Roses, No Skies- Have Heart
• Jersey Shore- The Promise Rings
• You Are My Sunshine- Kevin Devine
• All I Can Do- The Cars
• Camilo- State Radio
• Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard
• Sacred Heart- Manchester Orchestra
• I Like Your Mom- The Bouncing Souls
• Curs in the Weeds- Horse Feathers
• Jesus Christ- Brand New
• Definitely Maybe- FM Static
• Soaked in Torment- All Out War
• The New Mexico Song- Johnny Hobo
• Cannibal Queen- Miniature Tigers
• Good Ol' Fashioned Loverboy- Queen
• Catastrophe- Four Year Strong
• Let It Be- Across the Universe Version
• My Chances- Ace Enders & A Million Different People
• Down- 311

but have no one to buy me!

• cigs
• my own apt. in Boston
• middle class rut cd
• things to go back to the way they were
• bouncing souls, the gold cd
• a new ipod, classic
• sparkly tank, wet seal
• hooker heels, 4 inches
• skank dress, wet seal
• my brother to succeed, but not leave me
• to be open with my mother
• skinny jeans, minus the crotch holes
• rings
• a hat
• nails, ones that don't split
• a car
• my license
• a job, preferably with kids!
• a new sketch book, pencils, and erasers
• more pudding, chocolate; snack pack

' My brother, you leave me like blood from a vein. ' PROS: when he leaves...

• the living room will be free for sleepovers
• extra money, less kids
• more good food
• we get the computer room back
• he will live his dream at last
• his life will truly begin
• he has earned this freedom and time to be happy
• he is escaping this hellhole.

CONS: when he leaves...

• the only one i care about is gone
• he is so important to me
• i will be alone to deal with mother
• there won't be any spazz running around making me laugh and smile
• a piece of who i am is going to texas

PROS:

• better educational opportunities.
• happier than i ever have been.
• leave my whore of a mother behind.
• get away from my oppressing family.
• new friends, boyfriend, life!
• fresh start!

CONS:

• leaving Boston.
• not being able to take the T in with KT
• very few shows in the south... :/
• no more cassie or anyone that i love..
• no more everyone knowing me.
• leaving behind my poor father and little that this matters but, i wont have that kid to imagine about anymore.. i would have to leave knowing that i never did anything about it until it was too late.

• clean my room.
• purchase new flip flops.
• organzie my jewelry.
• start my oiil painting:
  • pick up some new brushes.
• wash chino.
• do that sketch for mr. n.
• vacuum:
  • my room.
  • vanna's house.
• pick up new perfumee.
• clean out my tennis bag.
• do math task assessment.
• talk with guidance about AP stats.
• forge kids signatures on my stuco form.
  • then pass in!
• talk with vanna, she needs company..
• paint my toeeeeesssssss. ew.

• get a foot tan.
• go down south:
  • go to chicago.
  • do more volunteer work.
  • do sometihng special with the girls.
• get a tattoo.
• fix the rust on chino:
  • get him registered.
  • start practicing in him.
  • get him an air freshener.
• go to one truly ill show:
  • june 29: strike anywhere?
• go tothe beach:
  • scuttle.
  • charleston, sc.
  • duxbury.
  • horseneck.

• i don't sleep.
• i am so worried about analyzing everything i say/do.
• i have been so damn mean. for no reason.
• i think my mom is back to her old games.
• will he actually text/call?
  • i should take solace in the fact i put myself out there.
• what about the other boys...?
  • do i ignore them... am i off the market so to speak.
• i am gonna look so foolish at prom serving kids i go to school with..
  • it is an obligation, do not fail.
• i have been sucking ass on the courts and can't pull it together.
• i miss alex.
• i wish i didn't have to be so wound up co...

• find out whatsup for the Y...?
  • figure out orientation timess.
• 5/1- set your goals/comeback kid.
• 5/2- molly and teeny's birthday!
• 5/3- dubury match.
• work, hard: lose the weight.
  • gym, everyday.
• stay quit.
• log 20 hours this month.
• 5/4- leader's lunch.
• 5/5 silver lake match.
• 5/7- pass in honor society apss!
  • finish alligator.
• 5/8- skatefest.
  • figman too...
  • molly's for the night as welll.
  • nicoe's birthday.

• 4/28 @2 foreign language honor society.
• find $15 for 5/1
  • make sure cass and khay can go.
  • make sure it's not sold out.
• see osgood for history honor society aps.
• tennis everyday.
• stay quitt.
• 4/30 talk to Bran about B.O.B!
• find lunch stuff somewhere.
• alligator sketch.

hopefully this brain-dump wil let me sleep at last.

• not knowing my make up day.
• not knowing if i have enough money for the train i must take.
• fear that i am so abnormal no one will love me.
• fear that i have changed so much outwardly, but yet, inwardly?
• crashing my mom's car and never getting to use Chino.
• i am not ever good enough for myself.
• that i am hideously gugly and fat.
• i have no money for everything i need.
• that my little brother will become as unhappy as i am.
• that i will never see alex again.
• that he and dez will rush into marriage.
• that i can't be happ with my looks.
• that everyone hates me.
• that i am being to dramatic.

• hot pockets.
• breaded chicken.
• bulky rolls.
• fried everything.
• mcdonald's anything.
• candy. yes, gummy worms.
• chocolate anything.
• the hardest : muffins :[
• cereal.
• chef boyardee everything.
• pudding.
• chicken patties.
• frozen burgers.
• pastas, all kinds.
• eggs unless hardboiled.

• light face sunscreen.
• 2 frozen water bottles.
• 1 chilled Sunny D bottle.
• 1 Glamour magazine.
• camera.
• volleyball/ frisbee/ hackey sack.
• animal crackers.
• ice cream money.
• current novel.
• uber soft towel.
• baby powder (for maximum sand removal!)
• sundress (so you can walk around after)

• try and sit gracefully in this dress.
• buy ice cream.
• keep your life in your head.
• pay attention to reviews.
• compliment mitch's shirt :]
• keep quiet.
• go out of your way to be nice.
• talk with cassie, she has a level head.
• work on your surrealism.
• try to say less sarcastic comments.
• congratulate everyone.
  • learn how to spell congratualte..
• ew. avoid cauthino's creepiness.
• do something nice for someone.
• study at driver's ed.
• win your goddamn match.

• 2/3 new dresses.
• a short sleeve sweater.
• cute sandals.
• new ringssssss.
• new face powder in my new, tan shade.
• new cover up.
• new eyeshadow.
• new nail coloorrrr.
• 3 skirts.
• cute new tops!
• jeans (necessary, down to one pair)
• maybe a bag?
• a new book.

• am i fat?
• my boob sweat is gross.
• this nicotene gum is making me sick... i don't wanna quittt.
• i do wanna quit.
• was that ethan and bob and alex at the park?
• what am i taking to get to sleep tonight?
• i really need to finish all the things on my weekend list.
• i really need to fast for tomorrow.
• those eyes remind me of stars... i am so mushy.
• my shoulders are huge.
• why was my game so off today??
• i need to put my laundry away.
• adam sandler is a cutie.
• can't wait for monday's class.
• what color should i do my nails?

• becuase i don't want a heartattack.
• because it reacts badly with my meds.
• because it will give me cancer.
• because i don't want to be old and wrinkly.
• because i don't want to die at sixteen.
• because i can hardly walk up the stairs.
• because it is so hard for me to do sports.
• because i can't afford it.
• because i just can't hurt the rents anymore.

• parent class 4/1
• tennis match 4/2
• courts with lala and cass 4/3
• easter? 4/4
• legit stop.
• dad's birth day & show 4/9
• my birthdayy. 4/10
• doctor's apt 4/10
• sean's birthday. 4/11
• get my permit 4/13
• schedule becca time.
• schedule khalee time.
• schedule kat time.
• study for permmit testt.
• wake up later
• make the april mix.
• pick up eyeliner.
• finish surrealism.
• try one something-new.
• figure out what to do for my birthday..
• schedule some nate time.

• something red sox/ celtics/ patriot.
• sleds/ ice skates.
• speak with some variation of a boston accent.
• have jumped in a pile of leaves, the trees are innumerable.
• know how to driive in every weather. this includes but is not limited to nor'easters, blizzards and hail storms.
• knows to leave their entire wardrobe unpacked becaus ethe weather is never a constant, we go from shorts to pants.
• a snow shovel.
• has played in the mud, all spring.
• visit cape cod. at least once.
• say 'wicked' every other fucking word.
• eat/ enjoy/ tasted true 'chowda'.
• believe that our beaches are the best even when they are clearly icey cold.
• have visited an irish pub once, even if you're not irish.

• low to high.
• squaring off my forehand
  • and following thru
• following thru on my backhand
• being quieter in line
• court etiquette!
• squaring off volleys
  • and using one hand
• quick feet
  • returning to start position quickly!
• better aim!

work on it bitch.

• Paul Brannigan
• Jayma Gowan
• Mrs. Pedini
• Mr. Noguiera
• Salvador Dali
• Jennifer Storch
• Andy Warhol
• Lizzie Berry
• Lucille Ball
• Khalee Khaos
• Becca Abi-Saad
• Alexander Gilbode
• Alexis Gilbode
• Josephine Petcabbage
• Alexis Gilbode (male)
• Richard Muller
• Chuck Palahniuk
• Lauren Conrad
• Hayley Williams
• D-Ray
• Hayden Pennetiere

• Kinney stalking to the path right after i smoked. quite frankly, i never knew such a pint-sized cutie could be scary...
• the fact that i am settling for mediocracy. i mean, i really am just skating by. i just want to give up trying.
• i walked all the way out the door today and just wanted to keep going until i got to cassie's. but i knew it was stupid. i don't want trouble. i just want to feel comfortable.
• i started smoking again. why can't i just stop? how did i let everything get this out of hand? i just want to go back, or skip ahead, or catch amnesia and forget that i did anything bad.
• i just want to not work at school. i don't know why! it's just not coming easily to me anymore. nothing is working the way it should so why bother getting hurt? why not just sit back?
• the fact that i am starting to go back to 8th grade leah. holy fuck. that is NOT ok. just breathe. you just want sleep. you need your pills....

• Alice in Wonderland wif cass and mollz.
  • btw, it's 3-D!!
• driver's eddd.
  • with that kidddddd! :]
• hopefully winning my game.
• doing nothing Sunday
  • except sketching, knitting, maybe the gym and some homework.
• tennisssss!
• studio
  • with that other kiddd! :]
• my birthday.
• hopefully finding my Texas outfit.
• TEXAS! = al.
• filling in my calendar.

• she knows what she wants, and doesn't want, like kids.
• SHE DOES HAPPY DANCES! and that is one thing i love!
• she sings often, badly, but i's still amazing.
• she has her own show, her own empire even.
• she's just fucking funny.
• she sticks to her principles, like being a vegan.
• she is comfortable in who she is. (why shouldn't she be, she's great)
• she said, "Find... what your soul was put on this earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth." it means alot.
• she's really loud, and so am i, so i feel a bit better about that whole "being overly annoying" thing.
• she will never EVER be on Dancing with the Stars, which is one show I HATE.

this isn't my aunt, it's kat's.

• she lives in D.C.
• she buys canned whipped cream.
• her hot chocolate is imported.
• she likes to be informal.
• she gave me a hug when i stepped in the door.
• her hair is so similar to mine.
• she is very fun and chatty.
• she cares enough about Bonnie to feed her medications.
• she gets ginger root.
• she doesn't mind paying fourty bucks for three pizzas.
• she eats health food. ;]

• a haircut.
• hair dye, dark brown.
• NortonAnti-Virus back activated.
• oil-absorbing sheets.
• sheet music tatoo, also make way for duckling tat and bloody fingers.
• jeans that fit.
• floral skirt, AE.
• adorable outfit for Al's graduation.
• cute new sandals, Charlotte Russe.
• leather jacket with wool lining, Saver's.
• Ed Hardy perfum, Macy's.
• Nice sketchbook that isn't falling apart.
  • also, not from Wal-Mart for once.
• Driver's Ed/ Permit.
• A goddamn job.
  • hannahford's

• quit smoking. sunday 2/14/10.
• start back at the gym.
• refill my prescription for sleeping pills so i can be rested.
• fix my art and create better crafts.
• surround myself with those i love to be around.
• learn a new stitch.
• focus back in on my studies, i.e., quit the slacking.
• wear something cute once a week, show a little effort!
• start eating healthier, try packing a lunch!
• make thank you notes for people who did something important to me that week.
• write my brotherrrr<3
• walk my doggies.
• put out the effort to hang with old friends, check out a scary flick.
• look up shows to check out! :] hopefully ...

• i guess first i want a station wagon but after i get that...
• i want a hawaiian hula girl for my dashboard.
• fuzzy seat covers.
• lotsa cupholders.
• a random knife in my glove compartment like zac :b
• extra food and soda in there at all times.
• my mixes in there...
• awesome sub-woofers.
• classic air freshener in Pine scent.
• pillow and blanket.
• grass and accoutrements.
• extra lighters.
• chappa-stick in there at all times.
• car phone charger.
• flashlight!
• tire iron.
• leather gloves.

• honey baked ham.
• grilled asparagus.
• collard greens.
• anything mrs. leech- baked.
• central pizza.
• ice cream courtesy of cold stone.
• ranch dressing.
• fried pickles.
• sushi.
• anything.

• it is mushy.
• it makes a cute nickname.
• my grandmother made so much!
• you can buy it premade OR from a box.
• it comes in chocolate.
• it's very versatile.
• you can put cool whip on it.
• you eat it with a spoon. (my favorite utensil)

• freshly manicured nails.
• fields of yellow daisies.
• the ground below my grandfather's plane.
• cupcakes.
• my family around the dinner table.
• a thunderstorm in wyoming.
• mud.
• kids playing on a playground (is that creepy)
• black coffee in a white mug.
• the color green.
• gap-filled smiles.
• crow's feet.
• the ocean at night.
• fireworks.
• Duxbury Beach/ bridge.
• hand holding.
• green, green grass.
• puddles.
• frog pond :].

• MIddleborough Highschool.
• the T.
• South Station.
• Quincy.
• Caroline's car.
• Newmasket River.
• skate park.
• parking lot by the Gir Scout House.
• St. Pete beach, FL.
• Waffle house.
• Nate's house.
• the field.
• Katelynne's house.
• up and down wareham street.
• Pierce Playground.
• Adelie's brother's room.
• Adelie's porch.
• Lindo's.
• Onset beach.
• Bostonnn.
• my bed.

• hats and scarves
• cute coats
• white chocolate hot chocolate
• getting snowed in
• snow days
• sitting by a fire
• warm, snuggly hugs
• snuggiesss!
• the new year!
• Christmas
• various baked goods
• excuses to stay in and be lazyy
• fleecey slippers and pants
• beautiful skies at night
• church league

• painting my nails
• saying the word 'bitch'
• drinking diet mt. dew
• wearing eyeliner
• washing my face
• cleaning my room
• watching doug (even seasons i've already watched twice)
• huluing the office constantly (even though i know the new one doesn't come out until jan. 21)
• working out
• organizing (everything but my school stuff)
• tying knots in my hair
• laughing at nothing
• assuming the worst
• never changing from 35 unless it's to channel 22
• saying, " OMG! i'm so going to name my kid that!" (i mean come one, how many names...

• full packs
• the office
• new family guy
• funny friends
• cups with holes in them
• cleaning out my closet
• turning the heat up to 60
• finding those damn headphones
• seeing the little one happy
• locating missing books
• watching movies
• no dickens:]

• learn to fly, for poppa
• skydive
• visit Grandma and Grandpa's grave
• visit Alex constantly, wherever he lives
• have a job where i work with children
• graduate high school
• score a three pointer
• quit
• have my own studio, in my house
• learn to professionally paint nails
• wear something maybe i wouldn't usually
• own over fifteen pairs of chucks, mostly black
• help lucas soar, make him beautiful inside and out
• visit my Daddy from wherever i am
• hug my Mommy and not cringe
• write thank you's to everyone who deserves one
• make my Vanna so proud, no matter what she says

• roller skate waitress
• writer
• graphic desginer
• history teacher
• art teacher
• professional hackey sack player
• rock star, drummer.
• an heiress
• a tyranasaurus rex :]
• jim's pam
• peter's lois
• dwight's michael :]
• an amazing stuco kid
• a really huge leah
• an asian
• a storm chaser
• mario
• good at video games
• english teacher
• in the peace corps
• brittney spears

• the OBVIOUS: lose weight, get in peak volleyball shape if not BETTER! get your abs back. stop your gross arms from jiggling, fix your chin. to do this, work out 3 times a week, an hour at least or hour and a half.
• the most important: continue being true, focus on standing up and saying what you really feel even if it contradicts what you have said in the past. don't be afraid to be exactly who and what you are; weird :] OH and a little less reluctant to be completely honest when it comes to your feelings.
• the other one: try to be a little nicer, or more compassionate.
• the stuco one: try to be more proactive, find a way to make rhinos creative, cool and SUPERRRRRRR FUNNNNN!:]
• the kt one: try to go be COMPLETELY HONEST with her, it is better that she knows t...

• jewelry making.
• gym.
• baking cupcakes.
• the 'occasional' partying.
  • if it doesn't fuck me up again.
• reading.
  • i need to make time for it.
• fixing up the basement for a studio space.
• SAVING money.
• walks.
• actually doing my work.. hm there's a thought.

• shorts.
• bathing suitttt!
• new athletic wear. (necessary.)
• new walmart flipflops.
• more hair shit.
• more bobby pins.
• new unmentionables :b
• new razors.
• socks.
• zit cream.
• art suppliess. (super necessary.)
• a new book.
• those tanks for 250.

• accepting my mother and her inadequecies.
• sleeping.
• losing weight.
• refusing a cigarette.
• refusing any drug.
• relaxing. of any kind.
• missing my brother.
  • he was all i had it felt.
• getting out of bed in the morning.
• pretending that i am hapy and peppy like everyone else.
• trying to get over things in the past.
• staying happy.
• being a less selfish friend.
  • i have been so suckk in my head lately, i haven't looked out for good freinds.
• missing my aunt and cousins.
• walking by my father but not even speakin...

• drink; cherry coke zero.
• freshman; maggie.
• band; teenage bottlerocket/ ruiner.
• nailpolish color; orange you smug?
• snack; jalapeno jam.
• hobby; driving.
• article of clothing; black waist belts.
• scent; fresh cut grass.
• sight; flowers everywhereee.
• fruit; kiwi.
• project; my boxx.
• store; Garment Dist.
• venue; club hell.
• lotion; Bath & Body Works, Midnight Pomergranite.
• teacher; Mr. N.
• place; the courts.
• idea; taking that steppp.

• frozen pizza.
• chips.
• cereal.
• muffin mix.
• soda:
  • bottles.
  • diet mtn dew.
• frebreeze.
• assorted fruits.
• lunch meats/ cheese.
• bulky rolls.
• salad.
• tomatoes.
• catwalk hair product stuff.
• ice cream.
• candles?
• easy snacksss.
• yogurts.
• milk.
• zit cream/ face wash.

• finish the damn surrealism.
• get straight A's (ahem Bio).
• may shows.
• get my permitt!
• improve my volleying ability.
• beat laura.
• do a good job with my messed up 'magic box'.
• do something.. a little... interesting?
• have bonnie teach me to french braid.
• start to schedule road lessons.
• attempt to get sleep. (call figman?)
• lose ten lbs.
• hit the gym after practice.
• relive some glory days wif ktizzle:]
• be nicer.
• do something nice for the little one.

• failed my bio essay.
• legit failed my math mid year.
• it was good to see him this morning.
• daydreaming for fifteen minutes during my exam. :/
• it was good to play cassie in a pro-set. she showed me where i must work.
• it was good to walk with lids. she listens well. and makes me feel young.
• it was great sitting on my porch and actually accomplishing things in my surrealism.
• it was great to be sitting in bed and doing nothing.
• it felt like people cared when they sang me happy birthday:] even if they didn't.
• it made me happy when kayla the obese one complains about skinny people being dumb. she's dead by twenty.
• it made me happy to see mr.n. not creepy just like, my day was terrible.

• i discussed smoking within the only kid that is redeemable in this godforesaen ton, he must hate me.
• i was too 'agressive' and proud of my victory over MAGGIE and now i just am an asshole.
• i wasn't very nice to everyone and they hate me already.
• i can't shutthefuckuppp.
• i had very frizzy hair today.
• i ate so much.
• i can't stop being stupid!
• i just hate that i am not as sweet as casey and cassie.
• i need to chill on the whole 'ego'.
• i just realized i'll never go anywhere with the on eredeemable kid in middleboro and i am just stupid for thinking about it.
• i wish i could restart this year.
• i wish i could just be happy with where i...

• dunkin donuts (wareham, uptown, new england farms)
• peaceful meadows.
• dairy queen.
• the cabin.
• borders.
• michaels.
• mcdonalds.
• burger king.
• JCPenney.
• target.
• stop and shop.
• hannahfords.
• YMCA daycare.
• central?

• i talked so much shit.
• i sounded like mckayla, and din't stop.
• talked more shit.
• goofed around too much.

this means layed on the leahness too much... sry Uts.:/

• ate too much.

• getting caught.
• guilt.
• running out of my sleeping pills.
• lauhing way too loud and too much.
• waqtery eyes while laughing.
• pissing other people off.
• getting my life shat on.
• running laps around the schoool.
• making up shit.
• my brain which hurts.
• looking foolish.
• being annoying.
• being alive right now. haha. so melodramatic.

• the fact that i was flipped off while walking home by someone idt i knew. i hate that so much. makes me feel insecure.
• that fact that i laughed at a victim and got called an asshole. i probably really am. fuck, i mean well. i am nice. what's wrong with me?
• the fact that i seem like scum of the earth because of the things i do. i dont mean to. i don't know.
• the fact that i think shannon and mckayla were talking about how they hated me, when i really thought they liked me. i don't know. i will just ask hannah.
• the fact that i let all these people get to me. i wish i could just let it go.
• the fact that i just mihght be too bad a 'seed' for that kid to even consider me a good person.
• the fact that tomorrow is the last day of tryouts, and i just really need to make ...

• patience for tedious tasks, stupid people, bad teachers, things i am not good at.
  • i really need to try to breathe, and just accept somethings. my life might be more enjoyable that way.
• graceful
  • this is pretty obvious, i wish i was less clumsy, less oafish, less masculine and a lot 'softer'.
• passion
  • i wish i was passionate about something, frankly, anything. i don't really think i am. well, children, helping them. that is/was one thing i thoroughly loved. is that passion?
• self control
  • i have none of this. none. whatsoever. it...

the sad

• my hair is so short because i am so damn impulsive.
• i didn't get to go bowling because i miss the text by ten minutes, so laura went instead :[ (makes me most upset)
• i can hardly get out of bed to go hang with cassie now.
• i am entirely too exhausted after two hours of sleep.
• i can't napppp.

the happy

• my hair is ok. i guess.
• khalee's dad is hooking me up with a good guitar for real cheap.
• if my hair is that bad i can throw it in a clip type thing.
• i have mountain dew.
• i have leftover liquids.
• i get paid tomorrow.

i honestly don't know if i ever could...

• kill a man, woman or child
  • except maybe in war?
• go to an Ivy League school.
• leave this city.
• go ask that kid out.
• "dance" for money.
• stand staying home for more than two days in a row.
• stop puking completely.
• waste a donut.
• stop caring what other people think about me.
• actually gain self confidence
  • although i think i can just keep one faking it and everyone believe's me.

• my ability to manipulate.
• all paths to God.
• that we are not born failures, it is a decision we make.
• people are capable of anything if they want to work for it.
• that there is nothing in this world i can't do/have because i will work hard for more.
• that retail therapy works well.
• i truly believe in mankind, i know people are good and want what's best.
• love. it is everywhere.
• everyone fucks up alot more than once and constantly deserve chances to show you they can be amazing.
• grudges are a waste of energy.
• that actions are far more important than words, that the truly prove what it is you wanted to say.
• that white lies are ok, and big lies are ...

• we have a friendl's which seems to be a big draw.
• we have central cafe which serves me scallop and bacon pizza. WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET THIS?!
• the skate park/ playground is inhabited by more teens than kids.
• kids with no life wander uptown pretending they have something to do... (kids like me and kat ;])
• we have numerous places that sell to children.
• we have emus in our backyards and goats that chase us down main streets.
• we have woods and ponds and parks and natural beauty!
• cranberry bogs.
• we have our own mascot! Bicycle Bill.
• it can take you a half hour to get from one end of town to the other, that's with no traffic whatsoever.

• i prefer short to long hair.
• i don't like blonde hair.
• i actually would love to be ina sorority.
• finger-cracking and wrists make me gag.
• i want 4 tattoos.
• sunflowers and daisies are my favorite part of Spring.
• i really do know how to hardcore mosh. pretty well.
• i made out with only 3 guys.
• i eat cream cheese with a spoon.
• i wish i could be more like Cassie.
• i want a senior window. bad.
• i want to make varsity, next year.
• i always paint my nails because they are yellow from smoking and puking.
• same with my teeth.
• i only like black coffee because my dad does.
• i really don't have any prejudices, excep...

• stop crying.
• continue goin to shows with khalee.
• pay cassie back.
• get over jealousies.
• do tennis. ( worth a shot and will keep me busy)
• go to the gym.
• get out of this depression.
• study.
• smile more often and work more often.
• start job hunting, immediately.

• oobleck.
• silk.
• sandpaper.
• Rosie's fur.
• grass on my neck.
• worms fresh from the dirt.
• the yarn becca gave me.
• ice cream.
• skin, freshly shaven.
• hair.
• broken-in leather.
• different cloths from the Garment Dist.
• dandelion fluff on my nose.
• raindrops sliding down my scalp.
• baby's hands.
• of smoke in my lungs, in my nose.
• fire.
• sand between my toes.
• aloe on a sunburn.

• buy a three inch three ring binder.
• get notebooks.
• new skecthbooks and pencils
• pencil case.
• ACTUALLY PACK A HEALTHY LUNCH.
• hit the gym with cass.
• stay on top of organzation.
• do homework. consistently.
• DON'T FORGET: fill out AP applications too.
• try not to knit in class.

• South Carolina.
• Florida sunsets.
• Oregon trees.
• Alabama.
• rubber-band bracelets.
• Velveeta mac & cheese.
• sparkly nail polish.
• the canvas Ricky made me. :]
• thunderstorms.
• carbs.
• tutu skirts for a penny.
• Boston Terriers.
• Disney marathons.
• the Leech Family household.
• Rockband. :] (thanks cass)
• charm bracelets made from the office.
• clean rooms.
• working out.
• also i hate working out too.
• stucooooo!
• zacky mads as beyonce:]

• dani.
• lydia.
• cassies.
• kt.
• erica.
• mom.
• dad.
• vanna.
• mckayla.
• hannah.
• becca.
• ambs.
• laura.
• manderr.
• aunt jen.
• aunt lexis.
• grandpa.
• teeny.
• savvy p.
• sharon.
• lizzie.

• rustling of sheets
• flick of a lighter
• low hum from a large man
• walking the dog- fun.
• silence in WALMART!?
• slam of a locker
• you are my sunshine- kevin devine
• anchor for a drowning man- have nots
• terribly faked Boston accents
• grinding of teeth
• clack of pens falling off desks
• taking back sunday
• mush of pie
• sweat.
• broken promises in the key of reggae- the rare characters
• water revealing my new hairrr:]

• manifesto
• perks of being a wallflower
• nineteen minutes
• the pact
• tweak
• sex, drugs and cocoa puffs
• survivor
• one hot summer day
• the book thief
• soldier x
• heroin diaries
• the alchemist
• futureproof
• rant
• snuff

this should be under ongoing cause i'm not done yet...

• they are almost always suburban kids with good families and money
• they are just looking for an excuse to be angry, because it's the anti-cool thus making them cool
• the elitist attitude
• the fact that they are there to prove to one another who is more fucked up, angry, strong, or "truly into the music"
• the fact that by dressing "uniquely" they just fit another stereotype they wanted to appear to break, but quite honestly wanted to create because when it comes down to it, we all want to fit in
• they are just as pathetic as the rest of the population yet somehow think they are the very best.

yet, they tend to be vury cute;]

i most likely am and what i see is...

• lots of "readjusting"
• 'subtle' pimple- picking
• nose itching
• stank sniffing
• putting on more makeup
• huge fat birds hangin on branches
• mini- horses walking down main street
• goats chasing pathetic boys and their dogs
• people noddin' their heads to a non-exsistent beat
• twitches
• lotsa texting :]
• people staring at ones they will never go after but secretly wants
• hugs
• teeth picking
• cuticle chewing
• crying
• checking to make sure our boobs are still...