sometimes i don't feel like my mental illness is an illness. sometimes it feels more like a spiritual gift i can't explain. i have another list for this "illness" but on this one i wanna focus on the good or more spiritual side of it. this is more of a brainstorm that's gonna be deleted later on.

currently...

• feeling
  • timeless. maybe that's why i'm not afraid of death AT ALL. if anything, i sometimes can't wait to experience death. (what i'm more afraid of is dying before fulfilling my life purpose.) when my grandma died i didn't really mourn because i felt in my heart that she was okay, that she was still alive, even after her "death".
  • a deep connection to space.
  • alien. as if earth isn't my true home. feeling homesick all the time, even when i'm "home". feeling like an alien, some people call it a "star seed" but i don't 100% connect with that term because it sounds too fake esoterical too me.
  • a deep connection to spirituality, metaphysics, shamanism and some hindu/buddhist practices.
  • the pain of nature. something i can't explain without other people thinking i'm crazy. i can't talk about it. i just feel it...
  • divine. maybe god like. feeling some sort of wisom inside of me. as if i know every secret of the universe. as if i know the secret of our existence and god. i want to call that feeling a spiritual awakening, like the awakening in buddhism.
    • what helps me with becoming more and more "enlightened" or "awakened" and positive: meditation, yoga, sex (depends on the energy of the other person), spending time in pure nature (meaning: no streets, no cars, no villages, just nature) - especially in forests, law of attraction practices
  • like a psychic. sometimes knowing what a person is going to say (for example when m. told me she was in love with me i already knew it before she said it. idk why. it was weird.)
  • like a healer, shaman or energy worker. i never looked into it because it scares me. i'm 100% sure i'd experience some really creepy and paranormal shit if i looked further into my abilities and sometimes i don't know if i want that. even though if it meant it could heal my mental "illness" or the bad things in me. i'm scared because sometimes my "depression" and mental "illness" feels actually good, sometimes it makes me feel inspired and alive, it feels kinda spiritual.

inspiration...

• dauchsy
• psychosis or spiritual awakening by phil borges
  • one of the most eye opening videos i have ever seen because i connect with it on such a deep emotional level. it made me cry.

past...

• i used to have a really really good sense of smell when i was younger (it was really intense when i was 12-17, it almost felt like a burden sometimes...but disappeared when i got older)
• another intense feeling: i once met a woman who felt like a deja vu to me. i felt like i knew her from a past life. i loved her as soon as i saw her, it was the most intense love i have ever experienced, it felt unearthly, celestial. i still love her and will always love her, just not in a romantic way. i don't want to be in a relationship with her or anything, i just want her to be happy - i never wanted anything in return, her happiness was always the most important thing to me, and i never felt heartbroken because of her. it felt more like a mother-daughter love. (it still does, even though i haven't seen her in years. we have a connection i'm pretty sure we'll never lose. at least that's what i feel, of course i don't know about her. but i remember another person coming up to me once and mentioning how ~ that woman ~ and i seemed to have such a wonderful relationship, such a connection. i'll never forget when that person said that. because it proved that something actually was/is there and i wasn't the only one seeing it.) sometimes i think we were related in a past life. sounds so f*cking weird.