2021.

• kalimba music
  • city of stars / merry go round
• the bardcore version of born to die
• the african village where every house is a work of art
  • the whole blog is super interesting, i can't wait to read it all. i wish i had enough interesting topics to have my own blog. i always wanted to have one but i don't think i have enough content.
• having a random cat (i think from my neighbor) in my house. fat, red, curious. acted like she was in a ghibli movie.
• dreaming of travelling to panama. seeing sloths. meditating and doing yoga in the jungle. staying at this lodge and chocolate farm, this airbnb. hiking around with friends. supporting the locals. eating fresh fruit. experiencing wilderness again. sigh. i just want to quit everything and work as a digital nomad and photographer. i should read more about being a freedompreneur.
• vegan tortellini casserole with broccoli, mushrooms, tomato sauce and the best vegan cheese crust on top of it. very lasagna like and equally as yummy.
• gardening. (i dreamed about having a herb and veggie garden for such a long time and never made it happen, i don't know why.) buying tons of seeds. getting inspiration from instagram and pinterest. thinking about where i want to plant things, what i want gone. writing to do lists. making a wishlist for seeds (there are already so many on it). weeding. i haven't even started the "real" gardening yet and it's already so therapeutic.
• april
  • ordering vegan food at essensart - curry, burgers, cake.
  • m., der mich spontan auf einen kaffee bei sich zuhause einlud. der kaffee war nicht so gut, aber es war trotzdem ganz nett. später brachte er noch selbstgebackenen kuchen vorbei.
  • surprise easter visit from h. she brought me a vegan chocolate rabbit. late we had our first bbq of the year.
  • a magpie couple in our neighborhood. and cuckoos! i'm not 100% sure but i think it's also a couple. i could only see one of them sitting on a tree nearby but i can hear them communicating with each other, one with a deeper and one with a higher "voice". the blackbird, always walking around in our garden, grim-looking, i think it's always the same one. one robin.
  • planting and sowing things: tomatoes, bell peppers, chilis, arugula, pak choi, mint, zucchinis, orange patissons, basil, parsley, chives, chamomile.
  • a quick 4km walk with dad. i want to go hiking again, breathe mountain air. go wildcamping. still, it was nice. along the forest. seeing a pine marten, ravens, the river, the first signs of wood garlic. enjoying time with my dad. we aren't good at communicating anymore - he's not good at talking in general, and we're just so different - but we have the same humour and laugh a lot together. he's such a sagittarius (just like my mum is such a leo, it's insane).
  • this place doesn't feel real sometimes. like i just want to be somewhere else, see something new. looking at random hostels (7€, breakfast included). dreaming of the most random places i want to see; udaipur, yazd, lahore, pai, the old delhi spice market, more moroccan riads - there's so much to so much to explore, and i want to see as much as i can in this lifetime. take everything in.
  • having another depersonalisation-derealisation episode. it feels like i'm having someone else's feelings, having a stranger's soul. like i'm living in the wrong body. depression also feels like that, like living someone else's grief.
  • merry go round of life and moonlight densetsu on the harp.
  • Savoury pancakes filled with veggies - broccoli, kale, carrots, potatoes -, vegan mozzarella and Sriracha on top of it. Almost an enchilada.
  • Lana Del Reys new song Yosemite. I cant really describe it but it gives me a weird melancholic feeling, like my brain wants to remind me of an old memory but I can't figure out what it is. I just can't remember. Maybe it’s my dissociation but it's a feeling I have constantly.
  • Falling in love with the past version of someone, the memory I have of that person, fragments from 2015. Interest. One of those "I'm not really in love with you but I know under different circumstances I would be" feelings. B. and I used to call that feeling "Menschenliebe". A love for the humanness and rawness without having the urge to really be with that person. Sometimes I think I can make myself fall in love with someone for a short period of time - a few days, weeks or even months -, and sometimes I think I can make other people fall in love with me too if I want to. (S., A. - who was straight and then apparently wasn't anymore -, and whatever that connection with S.² was. I wish I could understand what she felt back then. I miss her, I'll always be in love with her, but I'm happy for her. Wondering if we're gonna meet again in this lifetime, or maybe in another one. I'm not sad we never had a chance, I'm just scared I'll never see her again. It's been years... I'm lonely, I keep thinking about people from the past. There's no one else to think about, there's no one there.)
  • Food, so much food, made by myself and for myself: dumplings with fried tofu, applie pie, garlic bread, kimchi, chinese fried bananas, banana chocolate rum Gugelhupf with the best vegan whipped cream. (I love how Gugelhupf is one of those weird German words you can't translate. It fits so well.)
  • Reading 300+ pages in one day.
  • Trying out new tea flavours: black tea with coconut, white tea with raspberry.
  • Tiny Moons by Nina Mingya Powles. I felt like I was in Shanghai while reading it. Powles and Sara Eliza Johnson give me hope for the future of poetry.
  • A beautiful male blackbird in our garden, the way he walked round. I love it when birds walk. It's adorable.
  • The Waldlehrpfad. A deer, standing there between the trees, watching me. A short fairytale moment. Then it ran away - to a whole group of deer, six or seven, jumping around on the meadow.
  • Listening to pagan folk - Danheim, Wardruna, Heilung - while reading adventure books in the backyard.
  • This workout. Definitely one of my favourites at the moment. When this chaos is somewhat over I want to learn dancing - Salsa, Bachata, Cha Cha, modern stuff, maybe even go back to jazz dance. Not sure yet. I just want to try things out.