• Listography is becoming my personal diary but I love it.

January.

• Meditating in bed. Being one with the darkness. Then watching the stars through my skylight. Seeing them so clearly, I couldn't stop saying "fuck". Almost crying. Seeing the Cassiopeia constellation, directly above me, watching me. Thanking her. Whispering "namaste", I don't know why. Thinking "How cool would it be to see a shooting star". Seeing a shooting star exactly one second later. Life is magic.
• Obessions of the moment:
  • the first season of His Dark Materials.
    • I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS SHOW. I don't know why but I'm so fucking drawn to this world and I can't believe I never read all of the books when I was younger. After binge watching the show I immediately ordered the incredibly beautiful edition which had been on my wishlist for years. More than 1100 pages.
    • The opening theme. The only opening theme in the entire world that made me cry my eyes out. Next on my to do list: Learn everything about the superstring theory. EVERYTHING.
      • I can't stop thinking about it, man. The Virgo in me wants to fill journals with theories and thoughts and analyzes of the spiritual/religious and scientific aspects of the books & show.
    • Lorne Balfe's soundtrack. Incredible.
    • Realizing I have met two of the cast members of the show in real life already. Sometimes the world of movies & actors feels so far away, but it isn't, really.
  • The first season of The Affair.
    • Another show I just CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT. Somehow, the whole show felt like seeing my own memories from another lifetime. Or maybe even this lifetime. The mood, characters, atmosphere, location, stories - everything felt so familiar. I watched the whole first season in 24 hours. I just couldn't stop watching it. I can't believe it took me so long to watch it.
    • THE OPENING THEME. FUUUCK. THE FEELINGS. The lyrics...shit. Gets me every time. Especially after knowing what's going to happen with & to the characters.
    • There were 5 aspects of it that touched me, really touched me: 1. Alison. She's the most relatable character I haver ever come across. She's ME. The sadness, the grief, her mental illness, her depth, dealing with shit through sex, etc. etc. Her story really touched me (and made me fall in love with Ruth Wilson all over again -- there was this one scene where Alison/Ruth stood in the kitchen, just stood there, not doing anything, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. This scene made me realize that acting really is art). 2. The affair itself. I have a thing for affairs in tv shows, I don't know what it is. And I love unhealthy "problematic" grey area relationships. 3. The location. Jeeesus, the show makes me want to go to Montauk. Thinking about the lighthouse actually brings tears to my eyes. 4. The way the first season showed both of Noah and Alisons perspectives and how the Rashōmon effect has such an impact on the way we perceive/remember things. And I looove unreliable narrators. 5. This scene. I don't know why. It isn't even a big emotional scene but I can't stop thinking about it. It triggers something inside of me. An old memory?
• Feeling oh SO HOPEFUL AGAIN. Wanting to create again. It takes time. And that's okay. I'm just glad I know exactly want I want & what I don't want and what my goals are. I don't know how to get there yet but I'm gonna find it out!
• Throwing bird food into the hedges so the pigeons won't get to it and steal the food for the smaller birds. We have so many sparrows here at the moment, and I even saw a really fat blackbird the other day. Such a beautiful creature, and really curious.
• Having the best coffee in the best café in the neighborhood. I can't believe it's gonna close down soon. Feels like I'm losing something, one of my very few happy places.
• Reading His Dark Materials in my bed, having ALL THE FEELS, fairy lights on my bedpost, being so obsessed I couldn't stop reading (haven't had that experience in a reeeeallyy long time) and I couldn't stop thinking about the book, almost crying while reading the last chapter (Asriel/Marisa -- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!? I MEAN I KNEW HOW THE STORY WOULD END BUT I STILL CRIED BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. and i hate myself for going to wikipedia for infos and accidentally reading major spoilers for the third book. why am i like this.), the religious/spiritual/science aspects of the story. Ever since I started getting into the story polar bears and the Northern Lights keep following me wherever I go. I just saw a polar bear in my neighbors garden (a weird Christmas decoration) and it scared the sh*t out of me, lol.
• Donating books to the phone box library in my town, getting rid of some stuff and actually finding the Donna Leon novel from 2018! I usually don't read those books buuut my Mum and I went to Venice in 2018 and watched all the Donna Leon movies afterwards and became totally obsessed with it so it was a nice surprise to find one of the books.
• Chris sending me beautiful Aurora pics he took a few years ago. Maybe this year I'm finally going to see them in real life. Fingers crossed.
• Constantly looking up at Beteigeuze to see if he already explored. Life goal #2: See a supernova. Oh man, that reminds me of His Dark Materials again.
• Ricky Gervais roasting Hollywood. My fav part: "So if you do win an award tonight don't use it as a platform to make a political speech. You're in no position to lecture the public, about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg."
• Discovering Hefeflocken. Holy crap, I'm in love. Makes me want to own a vegan cheese factory.
• Finding out Daisy Ridley is vegan.

February.

• Having the worst PMS ever - the pain in my legs was insane. Surviving thanks to Pullman's La Belle Sauvage, tv shows and chai tea.
• The first stage of falling in love. Or, well...that feeling when you know you're about to fall in love. And then - the realization how ridiculous it is to fall for someone you don't even know that well. But the love is still there, you can't ignore it. It's totally real. And I love to love unconditionally, without the other person knowing. It's my secret. It's powerful. Is it weird to say that it gives me peace? To know I'm able to feel all these things without expecting anything...it feels incredible, makes me feel alive. I also read a post on tumblr about unrequited love and I just love thinking about it.
• The bubbles in my glass of water - sometimes they remind me of constellations.
• Writing with Chris. Our favourite themes: astrology, sex and stupid memes.
• Listening to random Ruth Wilson interviews. I could listen to this woman all day, doesn't even matter what she's talking about. Is it weird that I actually listen to her while falling asleep? Her voice is like ASMR to me, lol. She's so incredible, I'm obsessed with her work and devouring all of her movies & shows at the moment. (I really wish they'd upload full theatre performances online. I'm totally turning into a theatre nerd atm and I'll forever be mad I missed her play in London! Aaand I'm currently working on my own little project and totally falling in love with the writing process. It's weird, as someone who's been loving musicals for 12 years now...why didn't I discover "real" theatre sooner?).
• Having tons of birds in our garden at the moment. Me sitting outside, watching them, drinking black coffee, meditating.
• The way Rico sometimes looks at me as if he's in love with me. Is there anything more beautiful? What the heck did I do before I got a dog?
• Listening to ASMR rooms and Lorne Balfe while reading La Belle Sauvage. Pullmans worlds give me a warm feeling, the same feeling I had when I read Harry Potter as a child, like coming home or like being in love. It's incredible how some books just do that.
• Working on another project, a screenplay. Writing a romantic-almost-sex scene so well, it actually gave me butterflies and almost made me cry. I have this movie in my head, it's like a vision, I can see it so clearly that I can actually see the characters in my head and the way the walk and talk and how they look like. And this scene...fuck, just for that scene alone I want to finish the script. I've been writing my whole life but this scene is definitely the most beautiful thing I have ever written. It comes directly from my soul.
• Seeing another shooting star, while lying in my bed, listening to George Ezras Hold My Girl. For some reason I always forget to make a wish.
• Really starting to get into screenplays/scripts and plays, especially of tv shows. It's like discovering a new dimension of writing. Especially when you read the pilot script of a show you know well and you realize how different the script is from the actual pilot episode. There was this one script I read...and it was so different from the actual show and so fucking intense that I had to put it down and take a breather. I was SHOOK. The things some stories make me feel... incredible.
  • And sometimes...sometimes I read a screenplay and just think: "Wow. I could do that. I could do that even better."
• Meeting Jordana, having rhubarb juice at one of my favourite cafes, chatting, spending some time at the lake, talking about psychology and meditation.
• That hot guy at the supermarket, buying vegan ice cream and soy yoghurt. God.
• Thinking about my own screenplay, about Berlin (where my story takes place), the characters. Already having a playlist in my head: Paul & Fritz Kalkbrenners Sky and Sand which is the ultimate Berlin song, Fading by Alle Farben and - the song that reminds me of her her her and drives me absolutely mad with longing and inspiration - Eternal Youth by RŮDE. Goshhh.
• 19 Things You Missed in His Dark Materials
• So many stars above me. It was so intense, I almost felt high. To me the constellations always look like they're connected, with a thread.
• Mum and I streetviewing London, "driving" through Mayfair. It's stupid and hilarious. ("YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!!")
• 3 am storms. Soft hail. Wind. The intensity frightened me. It was so loud, I thought the roof was going to collapse. It felt like God was talking to me.
• "With her, I feel timeless." - Anais Nin.
• POETRY POETRY POETRY. Reading poetry (Anais Nin, Rainer Maria Rilke, Adonis, Fernando Pessoa). Writing poetry - on lust and the universe (and sometimes on her boobs because damnnn I'm obsessed with them). Not so much on love. Poetry also feels like God to me. Ethereal. Divine. Poetry is one of the six things that makes me feel truly alive. (The other things being meditation, yoga, sex, being one with nature and loving unconditionally). And I'm not talking about the poetry you find on Instagram, but something else. Art in its purest form. Words that make you feel all weird and godlike and depressed inside. (Not in a bad but spiritual way.)
• Watching tv shows or listening to music while working. I LOOOVE IT.
• Obsessions of the moment:
  • Black tea with two sugars and a tiny bit of oat milk.
  • Black coffee, as usual.
  • Music of the moment: Christian Schöffler, Shpongle, Lorne Balfe.
  • Book of the moment: Fingersmith by Sarah Waters.
• Manifesting with my vision board and crystals. I love to use rose quartz for love/beauty/relationship manifestations, amethyst clusters for my job and creativity and my Grandmas clear quartz (favourite thing I inherited from her) for basically everything else. I love to clean them beforehand, holding them in my hands and warming them, feeling their energy, meditating with them (intense as f*ck) & then putting them next to my vision board. I manifested something from my vision board - something tremendous, but kinda weird - within a few days. A path I can't follow yet because it's physically very demanding and very hard for me, but it showed me that things - "impossible" things - are possible. Sh*t. The more spiritual, psychic and "esoteric" I get, the more peaceful, grateful and happy I get. And aware. I'm so in love with the universe and its - my - power.
• My favourite tarot reader talking about my meaning in life - things I already knew before, but still, it gave me a lot of motivation and inspiration. She talked about travelling, freedom and entrepreneurship or as I like to call my creative work "freedompreneurship", and what my meaning in life is. Another thing I already knew but still, it always feels good when a tarot reading says the truth, lol.

March.

• The fact that circular Gallifreyan lowkey reminds me of the solar system.
• Listening to AnimeVibes "Chill Squad" playlist while writing. Singing harmonies. Opening all the windows. Hearing birds - more and more every day. Almost making myself cry (of happiness, of happiness, thanks to poetry).
• Mary Oliver's Wild Geese.
• Cool evenings, sitting at the lake. Lying down on the swing of my old playground. The half dark. Seeing lights on the other side of the shore.
• Erin Skinnider's Instagram stories, especially the ones from Pakistan, Sudan and Mali.
• Having a great full moon meditation. Moonlight directly on my face. Cleansing Grandmas two rose quartz, then charging them in my hands and the moonlight. Meditating with them. My body trembling. Chanting my favourite mantra (Om gam ganapataye namaha).
• Writing cheesy poetry. It feels so cleansing, so real. Like I'm cleaning my mind. Haven't written any love poems before so this is my first time and I absolutely love it. Poetry heals my soul, always.
• Birds at and in our bird house, some sit on top of it. Lots of sparrows, a blackbird now and then. They all sing in different tunes.
• Watching dance videos on YouTube. I absolutely love Sammie Nicol Perez and Aliya Janell.
• God bless Scribd. They basically have ALL THE PLAYS. I read five of them in two days. I am obsessed with Scribd.
• The air smells fresher. I don't care if people call me "eco fascist" because I think the Earth is more "peaceful" right now. The people around me seem to notice the fresh air too. Everything's more relaxed in a way. It's weird but I don't really feel anxious about Corona, not as much as I probably should be. People on the internet are like "It's ok to be anxious and depressed right now." but I feel really happy, inspired and motivated at the moment. I'm waaay more anxious about the climate crisis tbh.
• Lying in bed, seeing Ursa Major. Taking a walk with the dog, seeing the Leo constellation, Venus of course, and my constellation, Virgo.
• Listening to certain songs that remind me of ~ her: California by Lana Del Rey (!!!), Venice Bitch, Dance Monkey, Blinding Lights, Hold My Girl, Grey Light and Pale Skin by Christian Löffler and a few songs by RUDE. I sometimes listen to them and look at that one photo of her (the one where she's at a party, holding a drink, standing there with a bunch of guys. It's pretty old and she looks different - her hair is shorter now - but it's my fav pic of her. It makes me regret not reaching out to her in 2014 or so. Damn it. I can't stop looking at it, it's almost embarrassing).
• My quarantine food faves:
  • Potato wedges with broccoli and brussels sprouts.
  • Hummus with A LOT of olive oil, green olives and mini cucumbers.
  • Banana-coconut pancakes with apple sauce.
  • Brownies.
• Sharing stupid Corona memes with Chris.
• P*rnhub doing more to flatten the curve than most politicians.
• Reading Shaun Tan's The Arrival while listening to Ya Devi by Edo & Jo. Already cried at page 9.
• Chai with oat milk, sugar and cinnamon.
• A bright Venus, the yellow looking crescent moon underneath.
• Seeing thirty or more balls of light on the night sky, in a formation, very creepy and sci fi/alien like. Have seen a few of them before. I finally found out what they are and I'm disappointed they aren't UFOS.
• Another awesome meditation in complete darkness, with stars above me. Listening to a Shakti mantra that gave me a weird alien feeling; fluttering eyelids, then I could see colours, and then something like a vision: two Afghan women in blue burkas walking together. I had to stop the meditation then, it became too intense, and I was scared of having an astral projection.
• Sometimes I feel psychic, like a telepath. I don't know if it's my imagination playing tricks because it's what I WANT to believe but for some reason I feel an incredible connection to Rebecca atm. I don't really know why exactly her - I don't really know her and she lives a few hundred kms away from me -, it's strange. And I dream of her, weird things.
• A 70 minute cardio session so intense it felt like it opened my Third Eye.

April.

• Having an intense zazen meditation with my crystals. Started crying and trembling. It was my first time crying during a meditation I think. I had another vision: A lush Japanese forest - it looked like a forest in Yakushima or Dewa Sanzan and reminded me of Princess Mononoke - and a beautiful river. Seeing a Japanese serow on my left while taking moss covered stairs, standing there between the lush green trees. Looking away from the serow, then walking towards a light coming from the skies, right in front of a temple hidden in shadows.
• Reading The Marriage of Heaven and Hell while sitting outside, listening to Zen Garden tunes on Spotify. Thinking about the term spiritual atheism and the Bible. How is it possible to believe in everything and nothing at the same time? I am my very own paradox and for some reason I feel like that's the secret to the whole universe. Probably doesn't make sense to anyone else though. Thinking about all of that stuff makes me want to read Paradise Lost and re-read His Dark Materials again. I get butterflies just thinking about it. I am obsessed with combining literature - especially poetry - and philosophy/metaphysics. It's so inspiring and awakening to me. So I read The Marriage of Heaven and Hell and almost started crying at the beauty of some words. It happens a lot to me nowadays, random crying because of the beauty of things. It's intense and beautiful and deeply deeply spiritual. I'm currently experiencing a weird enlightenment, an epiphany.
• Not being able to go to London in June. I already had a feeling when I got my theatre ticket so I'm glad I didn't book any flights or an Airbnb in advance. I'm sad I don't get to see Ruth live on stage but maybe next year? Donated the ticket money to the theatre instead.
• That Lana playing at the stripclub aesthetic. My favs are Cola, Gods & Monsters and Lolita. And I'm obsessed with California at the moment, feels like a memory.
• What I'm missing right now: Camp's Bay, KwaZulu-Natal, the desert, the mountains, the forest and her.
• The less I take it seriously, the more I fall in love with tarot. Realising it's super FUN and very subjective, and it makes me happy. I like to play with my thoughts, fantasies and "options" through tarot. Some recurring themes are waterfalls, karmic connections, capricorns and distance.
• Bruises on my knees and thighs.
• Realising the beauty spots on my back look like a triangle.
• Yogi Teas rooibos tea. The smell gives me deja vus and reminds me of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it just reminds me of a holistic shop and crystals and incense.