January —

• First snow since October! I love the cold, the soft winter winds, the traces of my dog's paws in the snow, breathing in the freezing air, the naked branches of the trees, the birds in our garden, this heart-wrenching loneliness and yearning and winter sadness, this good hurt; the stars - especially Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka because Orion always gives me this strange, familiar feeling, like I belong to the stars or something, and every time I feel inhuman, hollow, meaningless and lonely, I look up to the sky and look for the Orion's belt, and as soon as I find it I feel so much more calm and peaceful, it's like some sort of meditation; the grey sky, a hot cup of coffee or tea in my hands, the shimmering snowflakes, the winter constellations.
• Lorraine Loots 365 paintings for ants.
• The Sweetest Way inspiring the heck out of me.
• Finally working out again. Gosh, I gained so much weight over the holidays and that pisses me off. I feel so freaking uncomfortable again so I really have to gain back those muscles and lose that shitty fat again. ugh. But oh well. I can do it. (ง •̀_•́)ง
• Finding all my old crystals again. I'm sooo happy. I totally forgot about most of them. They're so special to me, because I got most of them from my Grandma who passed away a few months ago, and they remind me of her, and my childhood, and make me feel safe and loved and warm. Also: I didn't know I owned an amethyst cluster! It's so beautiful and I can't wait to use it.
  • Purchasing four new minerals for my collection: a beautiful blue celestite (I'm in love), a lovely yellow agate geode, a mini amethyst wand and a mini rose quartz wand.
• The new Flaurel selfie Karla posted. I'm so dead. They are so beautiful adajsdkjk. I almost cried when I saw it. And can we talk about how this is Karlas most liked pic on Instagram!? #TheyAreEndgame
• Alt-J - An Awesome Wave. ♫♪
• Pastel Goth art. I am OBSESSED with Lolle.
• Snow snow snow. Snow storms, all night, all day.
• 2500+ followers on Pinterest!
• This wanderlust is tearing me apart. I don't know if I'm happy or depressed anymore. Maybe that's a good feeling, I don't know. WHAT IS THIS EMPTINESS?
• Zola Jesus. ♫♪ Everything about her. Good lord, the inspiration this woman gives me is freaking immense. Favourite songs right now are Night, Skin, the slow version of Avalanche and Run Me Out. But it's not just her music. It's her, as a human being and everything.
• Writing, studying and reading so so much.
• My dog always goes and brings me the gloves in the morning - just because he can - and it's the most adorable thing in the entire world and I love him with all of my heart.
• Taking a walk in the snow and cuddling with the horses.
• Last nights full moon was so intense. My body was full of energy. I meditated with the window open - it was raining and storming but it wasn't cold. It was such an intense experience, and it felt so incredibly good, as if the cosmos was talking to me. (12.1.17)
• Thinking about quitting this...whatever it is I have. This life I'm currently living, this not-life, this not-feeling-alive. Thinking about just traveling, maybe via workaway. Thinking about just leaving, for a while. I mean...I know I could do it but I don't know if I really truly want it. I know I want to travel, I couldn't live without it and I want to see it all, but I don't know if I want to do it alone. I'm so lonely right now and I don't want to be lonely while traveling and I'm such a freaking introvert, I just can't get to know people. I can't talk to people. I don't know. I wish I had a friend who wants to do this with me, or a travel squad.
• How traveling makes us fall in love by make a journey. Their story is so adorable, it makes me so indredibly happy.
  • I just discovered Kookai and Mathieu today but I already feel like they are going to change my freaking life. They inspire me so much. I think something inside me just clicked.
• While I was sitting in the waiting room there was this super adorable baby girl sitting on her mother's lap. She was just so effing cute, and she made me believe in something good, like maybe in ten, fifteen years, I can make a little baby girl like her and give my life a meaning. I don't know, that sounds freaking ridiculous and kind of cheesy, but this girl just gave me hope. Happiness. A feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. The way she read her little animal book, it was so so beautiful. ("Those are pandas! A panda dad and a panda mum and a panda baby. And those are lions. They are scary, let's skip this page." - She was only two years old or something but spoke like an older child, I was so impressed.)
• Seeing the clouds in the night.
• The smell of fresh snow.
• Meditating at 3 am, feeling like the cosmos itself.
• Reading "The Last Animal". The book gave me so many feelings, some sad ones, some happy ones, and it inspired me so much. I already put it on my "Faves of 2017" list.
• Thinking about doing a gap year abroad, doing work & travel stuff because let's face it...I'm dying here. I just can't breathe anymore. I need fresh air.
• Trying out the Audible app. I'm going to delete it again after 30 days because I just don't want to pay anything but still. I just need to listen to audiobooks while I'm working or painting on something. It's always been like this: I can never do just one thing. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe this way I can make up for the time I've lost due to my mental health shit.
• Women's March! Because the women are the strong ones, truly.
• Reading "Proof of Heaven". This was such a weird reading experience for me. I mean, I'm spiritual and believe in the afterlife and everything but this was just different. I don't believe in God as one person, sitting on a cloud with angels all around or something. I believe in pantheism but this book - if the story really is true, then...I DON'T KNOW. Maybe God is different for everyone. For me God or however you want to call him/her/it isn't just one person, it's the whole freaking universe. I could discuss this topic forever ajdsakdjk. The book itself was really interesting, especially now that I've lost people I love. It makes it so much more real, so much more touchable, and I don't mourn for the people I have lost anymore because I can feel that - wherever they are - they are fine. I love to think about all this stuff because it makes me so much more brave. When I think about all of this, then I'm just not afraid of death. Not afraid of anything at all.
• I'm proud of every time I go outside. It's just so freaking hard. It's even hard to get up in the morning when you just don't want to be. But I'll keep fighting, I won't let my current mental state win because I know it's not my future and not the real me.
• That lovely cup of coffee S. made for me.
• My current journal. My bae.
• Meeting S. It was so wonderful, so lovely.
• Watching "Ich bin ein Star - holt mich hier raus" with my mum (lol) and tweeting about it. Such a ridiculous shit but it's kind of a mother-daughter-tradition to watch this trash show and it's always hilarious. And Anredo and his Trash TV Talk (favourite podcast in the entire world tbh).
• After four days three puppies have been found alive at the avalanche-hit hotel in Italy and that gives so much hope and makes me so incredibly happy.
• I had a super shitty day so my mum and dad surprised me and got me some yummy snacks and a succulent! :>
• This workout by Fitnessblender. And fitness in general. I'm just so obsessed with Cardio and HIITs again. And I just love working out at home (especially at my parent's house because there's so much space) where I can sweat and swear and cry out, and it's just perfect to do these while I deal with my mental health issues (when I can't leave the house and everything). And I'm just so proud that I don't need any breaks while doing these YouTube workouts. I used to hate star jumps (!) and burpees and lunge jumps and now I love it so much. I love to see how my body changes, because I feel so much more comfortable and sometimes even really sexy, and I'm currently creating the body of my dreams and it feels so good.
• Finally started reading Tartt's Goldfinch. I've been wanting to read this since it came out back in 2013 but I've been putting it off for three years because I didn't want to wait ten years for a next Donna Tartt book. (I haven't read The Little Friend yet, but still!) It's weird, I've only read The Secret History but I'd still call Tartt my favourite author. Her writing style...the words and phrases she uses give me wordgasms, I stg. This woman could write...basically anything, and I'd love it because I'm just in love with the way she uses her words. I'm in love with details. I love to read (and write!) with all of my senses, and I love the little things like the way someone describes how something smells or tastes or sounds. Being able to write those small things, and giving me the feeling as if I were there, smelling tasting hearing those things...that's true art for me. She's everything I aspire to be. And the fact that she needs ten years to finish one novel...jfc, she's just so so so influential and inspirational for me. Probably the most influential and inspirational writer for me.
• Went into the forest and saw a rainbow! It was so magical, slightly hidden between the branches of the trees, really high above. It was so weird because the sky was completely clear and blue, and the sun was shining and the only cloud was a small one right next to the rainbow, and it looked like some sort of cloudy gate or portal. It looked like the rainbow was floating into the cloud. I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT. It was so... divine.
• Seeing a shooting star. Again.
• For some weird reason I've been really interested in taxidermy and other "curiosities" lately, especially since I read about life after death and the fact that our body isn't our soul; it's just our shell. In my opinion we don't live with our body, we live with our soul. I think it's beautiful that there are artists out there who collect dead things like insects or empty sea shells or bones and skulls and whatever and turn it into art. Some people might find it disgusting but I think it's extremely beautiful to appreciate the beauty those animals once were instead of throwing their remains in the trashcan or something. I'd never appreciate it if someone would kill for art because that's disgusting, but making art out of animals that died of natural causes...that's art for me, that's a form of worship and appreciation. And a memory. I think forgetting is one of the most horrifying things on earth, and maybe that's why I'm really interested in preserving things. I love the art of Tyler Thrasher and I'd love to learn how crystalize things myself! Other inspiring artists are Wolftea and Bonelust.
• Alt-J - Nara ♫♪

February —

• The squirrel just keeps coming back, and it's the most adorable thing ever.
• Gabriel Picolo's art, especially his Celestial Atlas.
• Seeing another black squirrel running around in the garden behind the house.
• Talking to that friendly lady with her two dogs.
• Talking with mum over the phone - for almost an hour, which is a huge deal for me because I hate to make phone calls. This was such a huge support for me because I'm currently having the worst depressive phase of my life - and I've had lots of them, and most of them were horrifying - and talking to my parents always helps me. I'm so happy that I have my family, I know I'm so incredibly lucky and I'm so so so thankful.
• Spending some time in the library, going through the parapsychology and psychology and philosophy sections, randomly grabbing some interesting books, taking my time.
• Playing Memory with J., N. and F.
• Watching the Superbowl with my flatmates (and the cats who weren't really tired at all, not even at 4 am). I think I had a heart attack during the last quarter of the game, it was so intenseee and exciting.
• The needle felted animals by Ainigmati.
• Will & Grace is going to come back for a 9th season!
• Spotting Venus and Mars on the night sky.
• K. asking me out. I'm so nervous, I mean...he's so interesting and lovely and I have a crush on him but I currently have the weirdest/shittiest time so I just DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. The timing just couldn't be shittier.
• Angus & Julia Stone - All This Love ♫♪
• Walking the dog and seeing the farmer's three dogs (they are so adorable, ohmygosh), the first traces of spring's beginning, warm sunshine, chirping birds everywhere, buying tulips.
• I feel like I'm about to fall in love. It's been such a long time. Fuck. I'm getting goosebumps. He's so lovely lovely lovely.
• Connecting with Taoism, especially the tao.
• Finally feeling better. Having the best/happiest day since...I can't really remember, since September or something. Spending time at the lake. Laughing. Drinking lots of coffee. Cuddling with the dogs and horses. Bathing in sunlight.
• Taking walks in the rain. There's nothing more satisfying and inspiring. Nothing.
• ABC renewed How To Get Away for a 4th season!
• Karla's newest interview just killed me. And sent me and my trashy Flaurel shipper heart straight to heaven.
• Moving back to my parents, at least for a few months, until I feel better again.
• Favourite songs right now: Your Protector (Fleet Foxes), All This Love (Angus & Julia Stone), Nara (Alt-J), Ghosts That We Knew (Mumford & Sons) and Compass (Zella Day).
• This amazing workout. It was a quite hard one, so I'm kinda proud that I managed to finish it without dying.
• Walnut-carrot cake
• Accidentally meeting T. It was so so lovely seeing her! I almost didn't recognize her. The last time I saw her she was girl, and now she's all grown-up and tall and so lovely (she still reminds me of Hayley Williams).
• Meeting E. and J. I haven't seen them in...I think seven years. It was quite nice. Reminded me of old times.
• NASA announcing the discovery of a system of seven Earth-size planets/exoplanets. I can't breathe, I'm so excited I'M DYINNGGG. 1 2
• Taking a hot bath, feeling like a goddess, smelling like vanilla and roses afterwards.
• SPRING IS COMING. There are already snowdrops everywhere.

March

• 14.03. Didn't really have the motivation/time to do this list, oops...
• 3000 followers on Pinterest!
• March being a really calm, quiet month,with lots of small but peaceful moments.
• Spring is here. Flowers growing and blooming everywhere. Planting new flowers in my garden. Watching the basil grow. Buying herbs for the kitchen. Buying tulips for the living room. Listening to Ben Howard. Lots of coffee.
• Augsburg with mum. Going on a shopping spree (haven't done that in ages!) - and buying so much stuff (a lovely pair of brown boots - and they were on sale!, a black dress, chokers and some natural cosmetics from dm). The kids on the streets, blowing soap bubbles, laughing, making everyone around them happy. Sitting in the bus, watching the sunset. McDonald's chocolate muffin. Sitting in that lovely little café eating waffles. Spotting so many hot guys. That little boy cuddling with the toy dog. Sun! So much sunnnn. Augsburg's lovely little and colourful houses.
• Him. I look at the clouds, but all I can think about is him. I look at the stars, but all I can think about is him. It's getting out of control but I don't care.
• Coffee, so much coffee.
• Buying some nice fabric for my dirndl. I also found the perfect stag buttons but they were too big. Now I know exactly how I want it to look like.
• Asia noodles at Cocos. Always a good choice, always yummy.
• Getting healed. Like...for real. I mean?? This is so surreal?? Last night I lay on my bed and through the dormer window I could see the stars. I listened to music, and Ben Howards "Everything" came up, and this moment really touched me, and I had to cry because I felt so good. The sky was so clear and I could see hundreds - maybe even thousands - of stars and so many constellations, and then I knew that it worked. I'm not religious but my spirituality saved my f*cking life, and I'm so incredibly thankful. There might be people who don't believe in all of this but and call it bullsh*t but I don't care because I've experienced it and it truly worked. This is my personal confirmation.
• Thinking about S. again. It's been six years but I'm still in love with her (or whatever this is I feel) and I know that I'll always be, no matter what. It's a good feeling though. I let her go years ago, but I'll always carry her in my heart. And she still reminds me of summer winds and lightness and I think I'm gonna write poems about her. "I'll always remember you the same; eyes like wildflowers, oh with your demons of change." x