january

    • avatar the last airbender
    • jumping from one obsession to another to avoid thinking about stuff. not actually being able to think about stuff (just the usual beginning of the year).
    • masterchef profissionais (2018)
    • n tive vontade de ouvir musica quase que o mes inteiro
    • thinking that i don't have a purpose
    • haikyuu!!!!! finalmente!!!!!
    • intense back pain for like a week
    • reading w.i.t.c.h.
    • simmer by hayley williams
    • rewatching and reading kimetsu no yaiba. *war flashbacks of that tumblr post that said: me consuming fictional work after fictional work to distract myself from the fact that i exist*
    • leaving the house and actually having fun ♡♡♡

february

    • minha mao ta voltando a ficar machucada de tanto lavar (acho que isso abriu brecha pra eu querer me ******** mais).
    • reading noragami and haikyuu
    • me senti completamente vazia (igual todos os anos que eu consigo lembrar mas Intensified™)
    • not realizing my existence while other people talk. not answering. not talking.

march

    • feeling stuck
    • quarantine (i think my hand is getting worse)
    • emptiness
    • realizing i really hate talking about myself
    • cardcaptor sakura!!!
    • comecei um curso online
    • always feeling sleepy at 6 pm

april

    • my brain: take this. the Big sad™
    • live do alan (final fantasy vii remake)
    • li um livro e gostei!! e li mais rapido do que o normal!! (howl's moving castle)
    • todo mes eu acho q cheguei no apice de me sentir mal (spoiler: nao cheguei. vem ai em maio !)
    • feeling empty and heavy at the same time
    • these unresolved feelings and issues are really giving me brain damage. let's go year 5 of feeling like shit
    • o album da ha:tfelt
    • criei um slowly mas em menos de uma semana ja fiquei com preguiça de responder as cartas de volta. a energia em -84
    • batata de carinha!!!

may

    • crying myself to sleep
    • watching kdramas at 11pm, 12am or 1am (a piece of your mind, be melodramatic, idk if when the weather is fine was on may or april, extracurricular)
    • i read castle in the air!!
    • howl!!
    • o album da hayley <3 <3
    • i'm gradually getting worse. i knew it was going to happen but its still scary to me that i have no will to live.
    • i think it's the fact that (for years) the next day is always worse than the previous one. i feel like i haven't reached my worst yet. so i don't really believe that things will get better. it didn't for years. i wonder what my worst will be. i think i have an idea.
    • watching legacies. am i still obsessed with the originals?
    • started rewatching haikyuu. monthly things: kageyama.
    • comi um macarrao perfeito !

june

    • uhh.. *static noises*
    • kdrama: hospital playlist
    • rewatching atla!! <3
    • live do alan (the last of us i e ii)
    • hunter x hunter!!
    • keeping my mind busy 24/7 bc i can't function and i don't have any support system
    • my hand is... even worse
    • i am once again feeling a lot of things. i don't know what i'm feeling but there is a lot of it. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i don't want to do anything about this.
    • feeling like a loser
    • bad dreams

july

    • emptiness
    • reading hxh (still obsessed) and bnha
    • oficialmente amo abobrinha demais
    • i'm kinda... scared
    • kdramas: soul mechanic, it's okay to not be okay
    • haikyuu ending :(
    • animes: mob psycho 100 <3, yuri on ice, bungou stray dogs
    • i want to rewatch everything ive ever watched!! i dont know how else i can cope with stuff!!!!
    • my hand is better. i finally took care of it
    • i'm so angry at myself

august

    • feel nothing pros feel nothing cons feel nothing
    • fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood
    • i'm so tired of feeling unseen
    • i am uncomfortable with the notion that im more than just the thoughts in my brain!
    • lives do alan de fall guys
    • chorei vendo a live da fresno
    • me sentindo desconectada de tudo.
    • im dead already and i dont want to do anything about this
    • rewatching adventure time! (season 1)

september

    • neon genesis evangelion; rewatching over the garden wall <3 and adventure time (season 2)
    • i'm obsessed with hunter x hunter again. brain go!!! kurapika!!!
    • waking up SOOOOO tired (todos os dias)
    • now that i actually had to face some situations my brain is overthinking a lot more often. i feel like one day i won't be able to think anymore. i don't want to think like this anymore.
    • decisions............
    • literally taking 4 days to answer a message because thinking about it made my brain hurt. i procrastinate dealing with stuff.
    • i'm tired of feeling so heartless. like i can't feel a thing anymore. i'm so empty i feel like i can't even say or do things anymore.
    • esse tweet
    • acho q meu medo de contaminaçao ta ficando mais preocupante.. acho q minhas açoes tao ficando mais extremas e constantes tb.. isso sobrecarrega mt meu cerebro. i hate feeling like im insane but i cant stop doing these things. i really should take myself more seriously. i have to be more careful. i am worried about my hands again!
    • i can't really focus on my surroundings and when people talk to me i always think "why are you talking to me about this?" as if it had to have a reason for people to talk to me. i can't really focus on whatever people say to me. i can't really focus when i have to exist outside the computer/outside my brain. the world is kinda foggy, kinda blurry.
    • idk i feel like all i can answer to things is "... yeah?" and show no reaction at all because i really can't feel a thing. i know that i feel misunderstood because i don't open up. maybe it is me that can't take what people say to me seriously. i guess this is my way of protecting myself, but it's backfiring now. i don't know how to let people in anymore, even if they are willing to try. the idea of being seen is too much. (this is not news, i already felt this way, but some things made me think about this again)
    • i guess i can say the september thing is thinking really hard. HEAD FULL. the thoughts are IN
    • getting up is getting harder i'm so sleepyyyyy my body is sooo heavy
    • reclamei tanto q nao tava sentindo nada q agr o peso no meu coraçao nao quer mais ir embora kkkk (acho q eh pior do q me sentir apatica pq agr eu so quero m***** !). i see no point in living like this. just being alive until i can't anymore. i feel like i am sinking. i can't stop thinking that i'm overreacting but i feel this way.
    • lives do alan de among us!
    • SETEMBRO NAO ACABA NUNCA NAO AGUENTO MAIS SENTIR COISAS E ESCREVER AQUI
    • not to be my biggest *pretends to be shocked* ever but i realized that i really am unhappy (permanently? i guess. i don't remember when was the last time i felt happy.). the outside world makes me overwhelmed. it becomes clear that i really don't exist. this makes me so sad like i should probably d* already.

october

    • looking at other people's faces has been making me dizzy. it's like i'm watching the world through a screen. it's not that my actions are not mine, they are, i'm in control. but i can't act as i would like and this is making me crazy! i literally can't function! when someone asks me why am i being like this i can't answer them because i don't know why!! i just can't act normally!! life feels like a dream, like a memory, like i'm not there in the present moment, even if i know i am.
    • i can't stop thinking, my brain won't let me rest. my brain won't allow me to feel like things are going to be okay.
    • haikyuu s4 is coming back <3
    • lendo fma!!! (comecei em setembro mas to completamente obcecada agr)
    • why are my thoughts so loud!!!! i have to stop doing stuff to breathe because i can't concentrate if my brain keeps making me feel bad!!! stop screaming inside my head please!!!!!!!! i just feel 'hhhh' and '######' while i have a billion thoughts per second & feel everything i have ever felt before at the same time
    • eu odeio que viver me parece um esforço que eu nao to disposta a fazer. eu odeio que ******** sempre me parece uma opçao (e a melhor delas) :p
    • eu sei q to no meu pior agr e q nao passo um dia sem pensar em etc mas acho q to segura pq to em casa. me assusta mto pensar q ano passado eu tava num lugar tao ruim quanto a ponto de nao conseguir atravessar a rua da faculdade sem pensar em me jogar na frente do primeiro carro q passasse e q eu nao reconhecia isso !!! e eu odeio me sentir como se tivesse perdido o tempo de procurar ajuda pq eu nao quero mais falar sobre coisas acumuladas de anos so q eu so consigo absorver o que aconteceu depois q se passam anos kkk i am literally just waiting for the day i die
jan 2 2020 ∞
oct 20 2020 +