january

• avatar the last airbender
• jumping from one obsession to another to avoid thinking about stuff. not actually being able to think about stuff (just the usual beginning of the year).
• masterchef profissionais (2018)
• n tive vontade de ouvir musica quase que o mes inteiro
• thinking that i don't have a purpose
• haikyuu!!!!! finalmente!!!!!
• intense back pain for like a week
• reading w.i.t.c.h.
• simmer by hayley williams
• rewatching and reading kimetsu no yaiba. *war flashbacks of that tumblr post that said: me consuming fictional work after fictional work to distract myself from the fact that i exist*
• leaving the house and actually having fun ♡♡♡

february

• minha mao ta voltando a ficar machucada de tanto lavar (acho que isso abriu brecha pra eu querer me ******** mais).
• reading noragami and haikyuu
• me senti completamente vazia (igual todos os anos que eu consigo lembrar mas Intensified™)
• not realizing my existence while other people talk. not answering. not talking.

march

• feeling stuck
• quarantine (i think my hand is getting worse)
• emptiness
• realizing i really hate talking about myself
• cardcaptor sakura!!!
• comecei um curso online
• always feeling sleepy at 6 pm

april

• my brain: take this. the Big sad™
• live do alan (final fantasy vii remake)
• li um livro e gostei!! e li mais rapido do que o normal!! (howl's moving castle)
• todo mes eu acho q cheguei no apice de me sentir mal (spoiler: nao cheguei. vem ai em maio !)
• feeling empty and heavy at the same time
• these unresolved feelings and issues are really giving me brain damage. let's go year 5 of feeling like shit
• o album da ha:tfelt
• criei um slowly mas em menos de uma semana ja fiquei com preguiça de responder as cartas de volta. a energia em -84
• batata de carinha!!!

may

• crying myself to sleep
• watching kdramas at 11pm, 12am or 1am (a piece of your mind, be melodramatic, idk if when the weather is fine was in may or april, extracurricular)
• i read castle in the air!!
• howl!!
• o album da hayley <3 <3
• i'm gradually getting worse. i knew it was going to happen but its still scary to me that i have no will to live.
• i think it's the fact that (for years) the next day is always worse than the previous one. i feel like i haven't reached my worst yet. so i don't really believe that things will get better. it didn't for years. i wonder what my worst will be. i think i have an idea.
• watching legacies. am i still obsessed with the originals?
• started rewatching haikyuu. monthly things: kageyama.
• descobri um macarrao perfeito !

june

• uhh.. *static noises*
• kdrama: hospital playlist
• rewatching atla!! <3
• live do alan (the last of us i e ii)
• hunter x hunter!!
• keeping my mind busy 24/7 bc i can't function and i don't have any support system
• my hand is... even worse
• i am once again feeling a lot of things. i don't know what i'm feeling but there is a lot of it. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i don't want to do anything about this.
• feeling like a loser
• bad dreams

july

• emptiness
• reading hxh (still obsessed) and bnha
• oficialmente amo abobrinha demais
• i'm kinda... scared
• kdramas: soul mechanic, it's okay to not be okay
• haikyuu ending :(
• animes: mob psycho 100 <3, yuri on ice, bungou stray dogs
• i want to rewatch everything ive ever watched!! i dont know how else i can cope with stuff!!!!
• my hand is better. i finally took care of it
• i'm so angry at myself

august

• feel nothing pros feel nothing cons feel nothing
• fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood
• i'm so tired of feeling unseen
• i am uncomfortable with the notion that im more than just the thoughts in my brain!
• lives do alan de fall guys
• chorei vendo a live da fresno
• me sentindo desconectada de tudo.
• im dead already and i dont want to do anything about this
• rewatching adventure time! (season 1)

september

• neon genesis evangelion; rewatching over the garden wall <3 and adventure time (season 2)
• i'm obsessed with hunter x hunter again. brain go!!! kurapika!!!
• waking up SOOOOO tired (todos os dias)
• now that i actually had to face some situations my brain is overthinking a lot more often. i feel like one day i won't be able to think anymore. i don't want to think like this anymore.
• decisions............
• literally taking 4 days to answer a message because thinking about it made my brain hurt. i procrastinate dealing with stuff.
• i'm tired of feeling so heartless. like i can't feel a thing anymore. i'm so empty i feel like i can't even say or do things anymore.
• esse tweet
• acho q meu medo de contaminaçao ta ficando mais preocupante.. acho q minhas açoes tao ficando mais extremas e constantes tb.. isso sobrecarrega mt meu cerebro. i hate feeling like im insane but i cant stop doing these things. i really should take myself more seriously. i have to be more careful. i am worried about my hands again!
• i can't really focus on my surroundings and when people talk to me i always think "why are you talking to me about this?" as if it had to have a reason for people to talk to me. i can't really focus on whatever people say to me. i can't really focus when i have to exist outside the computer/outside my brain. the world is kinda foggy, kinda blurry.
• idk i feel like all i can answer to things is "... yeah?" and show no reaction at all because i really can't feel a thing. i know that i feel misunderstood because i don't open up. maybe it is me that can't take what people say to me seriously. i guess this is my way of protecting myself, but it's backfiring now. i don't know how to let people in anymore, even if they are willing to try. the idea of being seen is too much. (this is not news, i already felt this way, but some things made me think about this again)
• i guess i can say the september thing is thinking really hard. HEAD FULL. the thoughts are IN
• getting up is getting harder i'm so sleepyyyyy my body is sooo heavy
• reclamei tanto q nao tava sentindo nada q agr o peso no meu coraçao nao quer mais ir embora kkkk (acho q eh pior do q me sentir apatica pq agr eu so quero m***** !). i see no point in living like this. just being alive until i can't anymore. i feel like i am sinking. i can't stop thinking that i'm overreacting but i feel this way.
• lives do alan de among us!
• SETEMBRO NAO ACABA NUNCA NAO AGUENTO MAIS SENTIR COISAS E ESCREVER AQUI
• not to be my biggest *pretends to be shocked* ever but i realized that i really am unhappy (permanently? i guess. i don't remember when was the last time i felt happy.). the outside world makes me overwhelmed. it becomes clear that i really don't exist. this makes me so sad like i should probably d* already.

october

• looking at other people's faces has been making me dizzy. it's like i'm watching the world through a screen. it's not that my actions are not mine, they are, i'm in control. but i can't act as i would like and this is making me crazy! i literally can't function! when someone asks me why am i being like this i can't answer them because i don't know why!! i just can't act normally!! life feels like a dream, like a memory, like i'm not there in the present moment, even if i know i am.
• i can't stop thinking, my brain won't let me rest. my brain won't allow me to feel like things are going to be okay.
• haikyuu s4 is coming back <3
• lendo fma!!! (comecei em setembro mas to completamente obcecada agr)
• why are my thoughts so loud!!!! i have to stop doing stuff to breathe because i can't concentrate if my brain keeps making me feel bad!!! stop screaming inside my head please!!!!!!!! i just feel 'hhhh' and '######' while i have a billion thoughts per second & feel everything i have ever felt before at the same time
• eu odeio que viver me parece um esforço que eu nao to disposta a fazer. eu odeio que ******** sempre me parece uma opçao (e a melhor delas) :p
• eu sei q to no meu pior agr e q nao passo um dia sem pensar em etc mas acho q to segura pq to em casa. me assusta mto pensar q ano passado eu tava num lugar tao ruim quanto a ponto de nao conseguir atravessar a rua da faculdade sem pensar em me jogar na frente do primeiro carro q passasse e q eu nao reconhecia isso !!! e eu odeio me sentir como se tivesse perdido o tempo de procurar ajuda pq eu nao quero mais falar sobre coisas acumuladas de anos so q eu so consigo absorver o que aconteceu depois q se passam anos kkk i am literally just waiting for the day i die
• i can play pokemon all day. as a treat
• i have no goals outside of dying (x)

november

• i feel so anxious!!!! i know that my thoughts don't make sense but i just can't stop them and this is really killing me!!! (i also would rather die than have my thoughts become a reality and this makes me even more anxious because i can't stop thinking that the worst thing that could happen to me could actually happen. but the thing is, it couldn't!!! it makes no sense that it could happen!!!!)
• my body is falling apart and i just wish that this process was faster so i could force myself to go to a hospital
• damn... im kinda feeling like my mind is separated from my body again. like i'm detached from everything, as usual. everything appears blurry and unreal and it feels like i'm not actually there even if i know i am. how do you wake up from a dream if you're not sleeping at all? the feeling comes and goes so it's okay i guess, but it makes me scared that every time i become aware of my existence and that i'm alive i feel like this. i feel normal when i'm consuming media and not realizing that i exist or something lol it just feels so weird to see my body moving and knowing that my brain is doing that but not feeling like I AM the reflection, not feeling like that moving body is mine, not being able to recognize myself in the mirror; it's like i'm always living on automatic, as if i let my body exist while i sit in the back of my mind, watching everything from a screen, or like my body and mind are separated by a transparent door (i see everything that happens but it feels like there's something that doesn't let me experience those things. i can only see them as an outsider). it just feels so weird to have other people talk to me in person when i know i can't focus enough on that to actually care and i feel so evil for not feeling anything???? it just feels like i'm always far away, like i'm not there, like i'm not in the middle of a conversation. i can hear everything people say to me but it's like i'm hearing them talk to another person. (isso ta durando alguns dias ja. socorro. nao preciso nem mais me olhar no espelho pra me sentir assim pq so de sentir meu corpo mexendo ja vem a sensaçao :p eu nem percebo as horas do dia passando hhhhhhhh)
• i'm so tired of feeling like the present is just a memory so it doesn't matter what i say or do. i just wish i felt alive. i just wish i felt like i was here.
• eu literalmente nao consigo levar mais nada a serio pq sinto como se as coisas n importassem mais ja q so consigo pensar em * kkkkk lets fucking gooo i dont even feel real what IS the point
• brain full of jujutsu kaisen!!!!!!!!!!
• *i am going to create rules for myself that are so random and makes me nervous for no reason at all* i'm losing hours of sleep because the time it takes me to turn off the computer and finally go to bed is 1 hour. it wasn't like this before. it's getting worse as the days go by. every day i include more stuff in this "routine" and it takes me longer to fulfill it (my hand is also looking terrible). every day i go to bed so tired that i pass out but my body won't let me sleep for long, i keep waking up until i have checked everything that i had to check. i'm super uncomfortable with naming this but i think this checking thing has become compulsive. my body keeps forcing me to do stuff when i don't even have the strength or will to get up. i can feel my body aching as i indulge in these compulsions, but it feels like there isn't another option; if i don't do these things, the thoughts won't leave my brain. i hate feeling like this and i hate feeling like i'm making more and more stuff up, like, pick ONE struggle not all of them! you won't even seek help! not only that, i'm still feeling my consciousness far away from me, the feeling won't go away and this is becoming too much. i can't get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!! and i absolutely have no will to live at all.
• doing basic tasks is getting overwhelming for another reason. i never know how long it will take me because i don't know when my brain will feel satisfied so i can move on. for example, i don't know how long i will take in the shower because sometimes i just never feel clean?? i just feel like i have to do it "right"??? but i don't know what "right" is, it's always random. i just have to do it until i feel clean, i just have to do it until i feel like it's right, and i don't know if it's going to take 30 minutes or almost 2 hours. i don't know how long i will have to shake my clothes until i feel like they are clean and ok for me to use them. i can never look away on the things i'm doing because, even if i know i did it right, it never feels right when i'm not looking and i feel like i have to start it all over again. these habits always get worse when my body starts acting weird. all it took was my period getting 3 months late for me to be scared to touch everything. i know i started doing every habit because something happened before. like when i found an insect on my bed and now i can't sleep unless i shake my blanket. but as time passes, the habit gets worse. it started with shaking the blankets, now i shake my pillow for a certain number of times (i shake it for 3 turns and the last one i count until 40-50), i keep staring at my bed sheets to be sure that they are clean and now i think i take at least 15 minutes to check my blanket. and it got worse because i don't even trust my vision anymore, so i just have to keep looking until my brain decides to stop. and this is only one of them.

december

• i am having trouble focusing my eyes. sometimes i feel like i will fall. sometimes i feel like i have to hold something to feel here. i am tired.
• lavar a mao tremendo pq sempre q encosto na pia qnd to enxaguando sinto a necessidade de passar o sabonete dnv. ai entro num loop eterno e agr fico nervosa pra lavar a mao e nao encostar em nada (nao encostava antes mas agr meu cerebro ta tendo dificuldade em focar nos meus arredores e to esbarrando em tudo !). queria q alguem viesse me matar
• eu sinto como se meu corpo fosse incapaz de se mover, falar e fazer coisas enquanto tem alguem me sacudindo pra tentar me acordar. e eu nao consigo sentir nada enquanto me sacodem. i'm so sick of being like this. it's like i don't know how to be alive. i don't even know if i want to learn. i think i don't. i know i don't. and i know i don't plan on doing something about it. i'm so sick of talking about it, it's like i never get better. i feel so annoying, but i am never okay!!! i don't want anybody to worry about me, i just want to go. I CANT SHUT UPPPPPPPP
• ao3 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• my brain is on a loop of What if i finally did it... haha jk... unless ?.. the fact that a forced hospitalization sounds like such a good idea to me is kinda fucked up. i guess i just want to be treated but don't actually know what to do.
• i will never be able to live. i'm just so tired and i know what i'm feeling right now is never going to change. i'm not being dramatic, there's just no way out for me. i simply hate being alive.
• fui de trauma bjs i should probably not talk about some things here, im not even sure if i ever externalized those things even for myself, but whatever, i cant ready my diary list anymore. i dont actually feel anything anymore but i wasnt sad at christmas, i think i was actually okay. i dont want to overanalyze everything i feel, but it’s just... nothing new i guess. i still feel trapped inside myself. things happen and i cant feel like they happened after and i cant function in the present while they happen. as soon as i get home i start feeling like those days werent real. nothing feels. i just dont know anymore the limits of what is my bad personality and what is an actual mental illness. it scares me that im not so young anymore that i can simply eat all night and not talk unless someone talks to me. it scares me that people might start noticing something is wrong with me. it scares me even more that maybe people will never notice and just think im indifferent. i know my parents already feel this way. i know my grandma only quite recently knew for sure that i truly love her. i am incredibly scared that my grandfather might have died thinking i was indifferent and i guess this will scare me forever. i dont think i can get over this. i wish i could actually function like a normal person. i dont even feel like a person. i think i will always feel guilty. what if this happens again? i dont think i am that different now. sometimes i realize i have too many regrets for a 21 year old.
• ja to deitada na cama sem fazer nada mais de uma semana (ao q tudo indica vou chegar em duas) pq fiquei sem pc. o pc ser a unica coisa q me tira da cama pq consegue me distrair eh preocupante. n consigo mais olhar email nem mensagem nenhuma pq nao quero lembrar da faculdade. eu sei q qnd as aulas voltarem vai ser um inferno eu ter atrasado tudo e pensar nesse futuro proximo me faz ter muita vontade de morrer. not just because of this but... everything just feels so... pointless. i dont know what hope is anymore. i probably shouldnt feel so okay with this. i cant get out of my head. sometimes these thoughts scare me on a moment of clarity, but even as i think rationally, i dont see myself in the future. i dont know what im doing. the world is just so blurry and i am incapable of being here. every time i think about this i always reach the same conclusion. i am trying my best not to think about it, but i can’t distract myself forever.
• o hidratante nao ta mais funcionando na minha mao kk! meus habitos tao ficando cada vez mais intensos e demorados tb. as vezes eu fico sem ar enquanto cumpro essa “rotina”.
• assisti solidão 22b e nao tem esse curta no letterboxd entao to registrando aqui
• a coisa mais importante de dezembro foi maratonar big city greens !!!