why am I acting like an english teacher? hmmmmmm

• masterpiece by bill wurtz x

ahem. let's start.

• japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's beautiful
• in the year negative billion... japan might not have been here.
• in the year negative forty thousand, it was here! and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it
• then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, so it became an island and now there's lots of TREES, because it's warmer :D
  • obs: [ there're lots of] is the correct way to say it. but I won't fill this with corrections bc it'd be boring.
• so now there's people on the island and now they're basically sort of hanging out between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like stones! and bowls!
• DING DONG
• it's the outside world and they have technology from the future like really good metal and crazy rice farms
• now you can make a lot of rice, really really quickly.
• that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to SURVIVE.
• so that makes you king! ♔
• rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way here.
• the most important kingdoms were here ( hi ) here ( chikushi ) here ( izumo ) here ( kibi ) here ( yamato ) here ( koshi ) and here ( kenu )
• but this one was the most most important ( yamato ), ruled by a heavenly superperson - an emperor for short.
• knock knock, get the door! it's Religion
• the new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje
• "please try this religion!!" he said.
• "no," said everybody.
• " try it "
• " no ," said everybody again, quieter this time.
• and so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it.
• then the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms, like
  • making the government govern more
  • making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more
• "hi china," they said.
• "hi dipshit," said china.
• "can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" said japan.
• "like what?" said china.
• "how about ♪♫ SUNRISE LAND ♪♫?" said japan.
• and then they stole china's alphabet and wrote a book, 'bout themselves! and they made a lot of poetry and art and another book about themselves.
• then they stopped moving the capital everytime the emperor died, and kept it in one place for a while, right here ( kyoto )
• and they conquered the north finally ( get the squared away )
• a rich hipster named kukai is (bored with modern buddhism), visits china, and learns a better version which is more SPIRITUAL - comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be great for a long time.
• and the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country!
• so if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals?
• ♫♪ hire a samurai. ♪♫
• everyone started hiring samurai.
  • correction: rich important people hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.
• the samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. so they made their own military government ( shogunate ), here.
• (they let the emperor still be "emperor", but the shogun was actually in control.)
• breaking news
• the mongols have invaded china.
• "we invaded china", said the mongols. "please respect us or else we might invade you as well."
• "okay," said japan.
• so the mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado.
• but they tried again, and had a ~nice time fighting with the japanese~, but then died in a tornado.
• then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to kyoto, and makes a new shogunate.
• (and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine.)
• ♫♪ now there's more art. ♪♫
• like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers.