This year was so much calmer in a way but not any less eventful. Curation - what was important? Finding the essence. Connection. To my loved ones, myself. A meaningful job. Breaking free from the expectations of society. And myself. Realising that I get to choose.

• In January I was into new beginnings and improving my life. I talked to my boss and she motivated me to find out what I want and explore my possibilities. I thought about applying to art school. I booked a career coaching session - and plane tickets to Athens for C. and me. I bought a car (and only relied on my gut when I made the decision) and got two new piercings (septum and helix) on a whim. We attended an orgy-like Slutering event, a movie night at Luna's place and watched Poor Things at the cinema. I tore a bunch of muscles and fascia when I escaped from a moving tram. And I went to Landshut with C. and showed him our old house and a few of my favourite spots. He briefly met my brother and an old neighbour.
• In February I organized a SingStar evening with a bunch of Burners at Felix' place and attended Liquid Love with C. (who was a Consent Angel and DJ) We planned a treasure hunt for L.'s birthday. I went on my Hero's Journey and had the idea that I could become a Gestalt therapist. I organized my wardrobe, met an osteopath I really vibed with and spent time with C. and L. at Therme Bad Aibling. I finally sent out job applications to Zeit Sprachen / Haus der Kunst (where I also staged a demon birth with Sash during the Inside Other Spaces exhibition).
• In March I signed up for Gestalt Therapy training (but didn't get a spot yet). I visited Ralf, my brother from another mother, in Jena. I felt comfortable and at home with him. And I loved going to the planetarium together. I bought lots of boxes and shelves and organized my basement. I also made an appearance as the Earth Demon at L.'s birthday party. There was a K-tastic cuddle movie night at Luna's and Anatolian brunch the next day. There was Yoga Sunday with Lucie. And I adored reading Leonora Carrington's biography. I spent a few days in Valencia with Sash and on Easter Sunday I met Gyan for the first time and stopped at Chiemsee to say hello to my mum. C. threw an Easter egg into the water and introduced himself to her.
• In April I went to Greece with C. I also spruced up my balcony and spent a lot of time outside. Ralf visited me and we went swimming and dancing. I made rhubarb cake and browsed furniture stores with C. looking for a nice bed. We also went to a Joy of Connection event together.
• In May I invited lots of people to a karaoke box for my birthday. I went to a drag flea market and to a float tank for the first time. I attended an improv comedy workshop and got invited to come up with ideas for new choir outfits. I finally visited Ramapriya's yoga studio and started working with Elena (Somatic Experiencing). One day I decided to go on a spontaneous roadtrip with C. We visited his friend Maxi and then went to Leipzig and Jena to meet Franzi, Ralf and Marie. We got tickets for a short film festival at the planetarium!
• In June I started juicing daily and got really into journalling, movement and meditation for a while. I met my old art professor and lots of friends. I went to Jena for a Hero's Journey meeting. A very social, active and transformative month.
• In July I went to Cat+Cow festival near Leipzig and finally managed to get the MMB wristbands done with C.'s support. There was a Flinta Fiesta and I mastered a high rope course with my students. I went to Rote Mondin and Bahnwärter Thiel for the first time and then we had a magical time at Iltis Burn. Franzi visited me in Munich and we went to a Slutering garden party. I saw Krishna Das live twice and performed live on stage at our school's summer concert.
• In August I found out that my very own MMB motto was Embrace the Chaos this year. Nothing really went according to plan and in the end I just went with the flow. I remember a gorgeous sunset swim in the lake, marvelling at the waterlilies and dragonflies. We invited friends over for stargazing and campfire. The sky was amazingly clear and we saw lots of shooting stars. Then I went on a roadtrip with C. and L. Our first stop was an amusement park. I met C.'s parents for the fist time, then his friends Maike and Simon. I was blown away by the beautiful Mediterana thermal baths. We had a fun time with Ludo and Sophia in their forest cabin. Then I went to Leipzig to start my Gestalt therapy training. A few days later we went to France by car. On our way, we spent a few days with friends and stopped in Wangen, Wil, Luzern and Torino. I loved arriving at Villa Josalie. It was only us there. We went shopping in a French supermarket and had wine and cheese before the others arrived.
• In September I was in summer vacation mode. Snorkelling, eating, reading, painting. Our holiday felt a little off though. Too much driving, weird vibes emerging in the group. Perhaps it was just me. And then it happened. Going back to school felt so bad that I simply couldn't do it anymore. I found a psychiatrist and he put me on sick leave (and anti-depressants). This crisis came with a lot of self-doubt and a little desperation but in hindsight going through it was necessary. I came up with a plan for what I want to do instead. What else? Baking, biking, late summer vibes. I started seeing Madeleine, a Gestalt therapist. I met C.'s friends Becki and Janina and I visited a Tantra day retreat with C.
• In October I read a lot. I also had Gestalt therapy meetings in Würzburg and Leipzig again. I loved doing improv. I painted, met Frank, Celia and Becky (we saw Die kleine Hexe at the theatre). I joined the Filzhof gang on a trip to Achensee in Austria. We also planted fruit trees together and went to a breathwork class.
• In November I spent three weeks at a psychosomatic clinic and noticed that I'm actually doing so much better than I thought. And that I can actually support people with the lessons I learned the hard way (I might really be a good therapist one day). I met a bunch of lovely people, learned about Inner Family Systems, got really into jigsaw puzzles and started doing weight training daily. I became obsessed with soft pastels and made art all the time. I worked with an impressive transpersonal psychologist and loved C.'s support and visits during my stay. When I came back, I was in a very cozy mood. I stayed at C.'s place for a while and painted a lot. We played games, solved riddles together and made jigsaw puzzles.
• At the beginning of December it was time for a full week of Gestalt therapy training. I had a nice time with all the others. Holding space, singing, talking, learning. It became very clear that I need specific goals. A direction. Then the Christmas spirit got a hold on us and we baked cookies, listened to Christmas classics and painted together. We went to my choir's Christmas concert. I had a meeting with the headmaster of a nearby Waldorf school. The gang visited Sash in Kempten. I made a vision board and a giant chocolate cake for C.'s birthday. We went on a roadtrip to visit C.'s parents and quite a few of his friends after Christmas and ended the year with a salad buffet and the intention to lose some weight with a low carb diet.

RELEASE - What did you let go of this year? //

• I finally admitted to myself that I don't wanna be a teacher anymore. And I soft-quit. I'm on sick leave and I'm going to quit my job in a few weeks. It feels so liberating and opens up so many possibilities!
• I muted most of my phone notifications and stopped being available all the time. I took my time to reply to messages and only did it when I felt like it. I spent more time in airplane mode and deleted Instagram (repeatedly). I tried to make my phone more boring and spent less and less time online. When I designed the wristbands for Munich Micro Burn I noticed that I really don't enjoy working with a computer anymore. I used to love layouting, writing, editing photos, playing around with Photoshop... but no. Not for me anymore. It makes me very unhappy and drains my energy.
• In the first half of the year I tried to organize it all. I built shelves and bought boxes, labeled everything - my basement looked like an art supply store. And then I tried to digitalize all my paperwork but failed. Too annoying. Not important enough. And when I stopped working I kinda let go of my drive to do and track it all. I became a little more relaxed, laid-back. The anti-depressants surely helped.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS - What were you deeply proud of doing, making, being, etc. this year? What made you feel good? //

• Being brave enough to FINALLY make a decision regarding my career.
• My mad productivity mode.
• Painting so much.
• Giving the Burnout clinic a chance.

BREAKTHROUGHS - What were your biggest breakthroughs? This can be in any area: emotional, spiritual, career, etc. //

• My Hero's Journey. Going through the motions. Learning about Gestalt Therapy. Meeting so many interesting human beings through that context.
• I started journalling in German. And I write so much more often now.
• Despite being an orphan: I'm not alone anymore. There are people in my life now! I'm part of a tribe.
• I started doing and getting things I wanted. It started with a car, new piercings... and ended in almost-quitting my job.
• I've come to terms with my decision to stop teaching. It's time to try something new. I went trough the hard phase. It's okay now. I'm almost on the other side.
• I love my relationship with C. I feel so secure and yet so free with him. We prioritize each other but we can be intimate with others, too. What a lovely outcome. I don't know what changed - so far it's never been possible for me to feel that level of ease and security with an open relationship.
• I've started to transform my thinking (even though it sometimes resulted in feelings of derealisation). I tried to rethink my standards, my perfectionism. I'm a little more relaxed and easygoing.

HAPPINESS - What was the most fun you had this year? When were you really happy? // Whenever I had delicious food in my mouth (Monki Tahin, Braeburn apples, a whole box of passion fruit, coconut porride, mushroom kebab...) / Cuddling with C. and L. / Calm days on Agistri: riding our scooters across the islands, taking photos of all the cats and plants, hanging out at our private beach / Tuning in with my sonic toothbrush. I chanted and hummed, finally harmonized and changed my pitch. It sounded lovely and reminded my of our RAM chants during morning meditation. C. started to hum along one evening in Athens. It's such a lovely way to co-regulate. / A night out in Athens with C. - dancing at the gay bar and squeezing into a tightly packed ruin bar. Walking home hand in hand. / Acid Friday on the dancefloor enhanced by my kaleidoscope goggles. / Our afternoon at Mediterana. / Painting flow. / Cycling through Valencia with Sash. Meeting the owner of the art store in the hip neighbourhood. Drinking a glass of Agua de Valencia the size of our heads. Smelling the orange blossoms everywhere. / Spending time with the Kitten Bois (and Thea, of course). / Solving (jigsaw) puzzles. / Therapy settings: I noticed that I'm quite talented when it comes to analyzing people's issues. / Sunny Filzhof mornings. / Snorkelling! Playing with an octopus. Collecting glass, rocks, seashells at the beach. Climbing onto C.'s SUP. Kissing. / Feeling beautiful. Having fun with clothes and make-up. I've got a whole outfit-selfie folder now. / Playspace Bingo! / Mud wrestling. Playing in the (ball) pool. The Buffer. / Singing! (oh, and my karaoke box b-day) / Playing with Ralf and Simon at the Hero's Journey meet-up in Jena. / Gardening. Baking. Organizing. Decorating. Decluttering. Browsing Maisons du Monde. Working with clay. / Spending time at the planetarium. / Beautiful, carefree days visiting C.'s friends: Maxi, Simon and Maike, Tommy and Saskia, Martina and Frederik. Spending time with Marjolien, Makelove and Ludo. / In the forest. / Coming up with a scavenger hunt for L.'s birthday; drawing all the necessary signs and maps. //

LOVE - Who did you fall in love with this year? //

• Christian. I've never felt more at ease with a man. After his Hero's Journey in March he finally called me his partner officially. We can be so weird together. Intense. Quiet. Quirky. Disgusting. Anxious. And it's all okay. We had a few tough moments this year but SO many more beautiful ones. I kinda love his son Lian, too, in a way. He's really growing on me.
• I kept calling Luki my Burn Husband and was so happy when I finally saw him again at MMB in summer. He is such a good person. He seriously is. All the vibes.
• Ralf. I'm so grateful I met him. He helped me so much with his observation that I need someone to be gentle with me. His daddy energy. His wild playfulness. His Gemini communication mode. I loved that I was able to pay him back with some mum energy when I shipped his dirty laundry off to Jena. I included a heartfelt letter and the Exploding Kittens card game. I felt like a giddy teenager for a whole day when he implied that he's attracted to me too. I really hadn't noticed. We've been talking, flirting, messaging daily for weeks. When things got more serious with C. the attraction more or less vanished on my part but we're still in contact and fond of each other.
• A recollection of my kisses this year: Stefan gave me a little goodbye kiss after a massage at a SluteRing party. Amar kissed me in a dark room at a Kinky Insiders party. Feli told me I was sexy and asked if she could kiss me after the tragic dance at our Hero's Journey. I didn't stop Ralf him from kissing me at the demon party and visited him in Jena two weeks later. Daniel kissed me blindfolded during a sensory journey at the SluteRing Bazar. At MMB I kissed Heinrich, David, Makelove, fox and Luki. And I lost track of how often I kissed C. How wonderful.

LOSS - Who or what did you miss? //

• What I truly missed was a stimulating, creative work environment. Growth and learning. A regulated nervous system. Making art. Co-creation. Which is why I finally initiated my goodbye from working as a teacher. Now, at the end of the year, I'm still on sick leave (waiting for the right moment to hand over my notice of cancellation).
• Other than that, I kinda missed a close connection to my friends. I withdrew from social obligations a lot this year and felt a little disconnected. I craved alone or one on one time with C.
• And C. told me that he doesn't want any more children which made me feel very sad for a few days - unexpectedly. I wasn't sure anymore if the abortion last year was the right decision and if it means I missed my only chance of having a child.
• I also had a lot of anxiety-inducing dreams about my family.

PEOPLE - Did you meet anyone new? //

• I met so many people through C. this year: Gyan, Ansgar, Ale, Malea and Mara, Markus and Sofia, Jessy, Maxi and her daughter, Kerem and his family (Anisha, Marah, Yuma), Flo, Saskia and Tommy, Tobi, Martina and Frederik with their three kids Frida, Selma and Cajo, Georg and Claude and their three kids (Fiona, Beatriz, Arthur), Romja, Tina and her partner and daughter, Becki and Janina, C.'s parents, all his neighbours (Tanja, Cos, Tine, Eva, Isabell, Franzi, David, Sandra, Matthias, Krista, Paula).
• Some people I got to know (better) at Burns were MakeLove (Andrea), Nadine, Marjolien and Shan (who tragically died a few weeks later in a snorkelling accident).
• Of course I also connected with lots of people through Gestalt Therapy. My favourite people at the Hero's Journey were Franzi, Ralf, Marie, Teresa, Iko, Simon, Ludwig, Henrike, Feli. And then there is my training group: Nico, Ems, Sri, Janina, Markus, Pia, Sofia, Friederike, Janin, Anja, Ann, Hanna, Katharina, Tobi, Johanna, Lyra, Tillmann and our teachers Yvonne, Tobi and Kathrin.
• I also met some new practioners: Elena (Somatic Experiencing), Madeleine (Gestalt Therapy), Georg (Osteopathy).

TRAVEL - Did you travel? Where did you go? // This year I spent quite some time in the car touring Germany with C. We visited his parents and friends all over the place (Eibelstadt, Much, Thalheim, Geiselwind, Roßdorf, Einbeck, Bavarian Forest, Augsburg). I also went to Leipzig and Jena quite a few times and travelled to Würzburg and Oberwarmensteinach (mostly related to Gestalt Therapy meet-ups). In spring, I went to Valencia with Sash for 5 days and then I spent a week in Athens and on Agistri island with C. In September, we drove down to Côte d'Azur to spend ten days at Villa Josalie in Sainte-Maxime again. On the way, we visited friends in Wangen, Wil and Lucerne and stopped in Torino as well. We drove over some mountain pass roads in the Alps. Festival-wise I went to Midsomar Festival, Cat&Cow Festival, Iltis Burn and Munich Micro Burn.

FASHION - What was your most beloved/favorite outfit? How would you describe your style this year? How did the way you dress change? // I enjoyed dressing up during the first half of the year. Lovely colour combinations, lots of jewellery and accessories. I usually wore a full face of make-up and nail polish. I even took outfit pictures regularly. I liked delicate lace bodies under chunky knits. Space buns. Bronzer, pink eye shadow. Loose green pants, my golden blouse, silky art teacher dad shirts. Lots of yellow, green and camel tones. Desigual tops and jackets. But when I stopped going to work in September, I mostly stopped doing my make-up and dressing up, too. Comfort was more important and I often wore the same clothes because I spent a lot of time at Christian's place and only had limited wardrobe choices. However, I kinda loved not having to worry about ill-fitting clothes and taking off my make-up in the evening.

MUSIC - What were some of your favorite records and songs? What song will always remind you of this year? What song lyrics reverberated with you? // I still attended choir practice until September and even tried out for a solo part for Joyful Joyful. In February, I saw B O D I E S with C. at Isarphilharmonie and was really impressed. We also went to a free Gospel Choir concert and I was moved to tears by their version of Lift Up Your Voices. I also attended my choir's Christmas concert with C. and L. and saw NOUK live at Marie's party in Leipzig. With my students I saw Pictures of an Exhibition by Mussorgsky at Gasteig HP8. I went to Midsomar Festival and saw Krishna Das twice. Oh, and I went to Bahnwärter Thiel für the first time because Flo put me on the guest list for the COEO set!

Music that reminds me of the year 2024:

• Gurrumul's album Djarimirri / Iniko's album Jericho / Kat Frankie, B O D I E S
• Sheryl Crow - Soak Up the Sun / Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hotstepper (driving my car with open windows in summer, loudly singing along) / Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill / Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge over Troubled Water / WILLOW - Wait a Minute!
• Systemabsturz - Knutschen / Jacques Palminger - Wann strahlst du? (Heldenreise)
• Danger Dan - Lauf davon (Ralf)
• Cindy Lauper - Hey Now (from the To Wong Foo soundtrack) / Tag Team - Whoomp! There It Is (from the ELF soundtrack)
• "Christian music": Björk - Jóga / Little Element - The Roads / Softiv - Yugoslavskiy Groove / Cosmo Sheldrake - Prefusify / René Aubry - Salento / an old hit from Russia in Nanai language (super catchy) / the 90s Ethno Pop Playlist we made on our way to France

CULTURE - What were the most interesting exhibitions you saw? Any creative workshops or theatre visits? //

Museums

• Museum Ludwig, Cologne
• Museo de Bellas Artes de Valencia
• Institut Valencià d’Art Modern (IVAM)
• Ciutat de les Arts i les Ciències, Valencia
• Acropolis, Athens
• Gregor von Raffay's vernissage
• Inside Other Spaces (Haus der Kunst)
• Archaeological Museum, Munich
• Musée International de la Parfumerie, Grasse
• Museum Mensch und Natur, Munich

Theatre

• The Tempest / Das Dämmern der Welt (Kammerspiele)
• Prima Facie (Residenztheater)
• Die kleine Hexe (Schauburg)

BOOKS - Your favourite books/stories/poems/plays. //

Reading for pleasure

• Jacqueline Harpman - I Who Have Never Known Men
• Joanna Moorhead - The Surreal Life of Leonora Carrington
• Alice Hoffman's Practical Magic series

Reading out of curiosity

• Frank-M. Staemmler, Werner Bock - Ganzheitliche Veränderung in der Gestalttherapie
• Luca Rohleder - Die Berufung für Hochsensible
• Luca Rohleder - Die Liebe empathischer Menschen
• Saskia Klaaysen, Jacqueline Knopp - Her mit den Reizen!
• Katherine Morgan Schafler - The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control
• Richard C. Schwartz - No Bad Parts

MOVIES/TV - Your favourite films and TV shows of the year. //

• Poor Things (2024)
• Midsommar (2019)
• 3 Body Problem #1 (2024)
• The Boy and the Heron (2023)
• House of the Dragon #1+2 (2022-2024)
• Club Zero (2023)
• Sleeping with the Enemy (1991)
• and all the old Sandra Bullock movies I could find (like While You Were Sleeping or 28 Days)
• short movies at the planetarium

MATERIALISM - Something you wished for and got (for yourself)? // art supplies (soft pastels, coloured pencils, large format paper, an easel), a car, jigsaw puzzles, piercings; tons of books as usual. Some plates and glasses, new cutlery, a carpet and two nice lamps. A belt and a wallet from Aigner. I bought all of Gina Ruck-Pauquèt's zodiac story books for kids.