• Age 6- When I was visiting my grandparents for the weekend, my grandma bought me an ice cream sundae. That night, my grandpa took it out of the freezer to eat some and forgot to put it away. When I woke up the next morning to find it all melted, I was inconsolable. I yelled “I hate you!” at my grandpa.
  • I never apologized.
  • He’s dead now.
• Age 12- I shared a school locker with my best friend Kaitlin. She was a good student- responsible, pretty, well-liked- and I resented her for it. One day I stole her homework from our locker and submitted it as my own. She got detention for the first (and only) time ever.
  • And I got an "A"
• Age 14- I bullied my mom into buying me a PlayStation for Christmas. We really couldn’t afford it at the time, but I threw a fit and convinced her to buy it anyway. Once I realized the impact of what I’d done (my family was strapped for cash through the whole holiday season) I couldn’t even use the PlayStation without feeling guilty.
• Age 17- My love-interest at the time was seeing another girl. I wanted so badly to impress him and “win him over”. I let him manipulate me into having a threesome with them.
• Age 18- I made a bet with my swim coach that if I qualified for State Finals, my teammates could shave my head. It was supposed to be a team bonding experience. Everyone was really excited about it. But when the time came, I chickened out. After preaching rebellion and individuality to my team all season, I felt like a fraud letting everyone down.
  • I should've done it. At least I would've been remembered.
• Age 18- I never mailed my college application to Kenyon College. It’s a prestigious school and family kept telling me that I wasn’t smart enough to succeed there. I’d already been accepted to my “safety school” and I was terrified of rejection. So I tore up the application.
  • And spent my entire college experience wondering “What if?”
• Age 21- I kissed Katy at the bar. Katy stands for everything I hate in the world. I’ve made my disdain for her well-known. I don’t know why I did it, but a lot of people lost respect for me that night.
• Age 24- I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend. One night while he was out of town, I broke into his house and fell asleep. His roommate came home unexpectedly and found me.
  • My invasion of his privacy was the nail in the coffin for our already-dying relationship.

Writing all these things was supposed to be therapeutic. Instead it made me realize that I'm the worst type of spineless individual- taking advantage of others when I can get away with it and compromising my morals when I can't. Fuck