In honor of Mother's Day...

• I like my body. I work hard to maintain my figure and I have no desire to wreck it by turning myself into a disposable incubator.
• I like my life. I value spontaneity. I want to fly off to Paris at a moment’s notice. Having a child would hold me back and, in the end, I would come to resent him/her for it.
• It sounds trite, but there are so many unwanted children in the world to begin with. Someday when I’m wealthy and accomplished I can see myself as a foster parent. But until then, no dice.
• Between my mental problems and JR’s mental problems, I’m sure our kids would be saddled with everything from depression to OCD to schizophrenia. Not only am I incapable of coping with a “problem child”, but no kid deserves that predisposition.
• Toy shopping. Have you ever been to Toys R Us on a Saturday? I wouldn't navigate that mess to save a drowning kitten, much less to satisfy a shrieking brat.
• I have no maternal instinct. My pets are the closest I have to family, but sometimes I throw handfuls of cat food onto the floor because I’m too lazy or too busy to put it in a bowl. I can’t have my children licking the floorboards for sustenance.
• I have high expectations. I would push my child to excel in every aspect of life, the same way I push myself. I would become one of those psycho pageant moms, I just know it.
• Propensity for physical violence. When angry I’ve been known to throw, kick or otherwise break things. I’ve never hurt anyone who didn’t really REALLY deserve it, but….still. Not exactly “Mom of the Year” material.