november

• tucson dance showcase + 4 hr vulnerability car convo w/ c.p. in a walgreens parking lot
• c.w. treating me to italian food + great conversation
• all souls procession w/ c.p. + watching the burning of the urn + midnight ramen + near-continuous talking for 7h 40m
• hanging w/ c.w. during lunch break + visiting their friend who runs a performance space out of her carport + sharing wine + going back to work sloshed n not giving a fuck bc the vibes were on point
• c.a. drew a comic zine abt me n it was the nicest thing ever 🥺
• back in depresh mode n it's kinda brutal ayy anyone else feel me
• got the drunkest i've ever been
• not having a great relationship w alcohol again

december

• my prop umbrella turned inside out during a dance performance n i got super off count for the rest of the piece lmao
• finally being able to do russian fouettés!
• went ice skating
• relapsed w/ self-harm
• went on bupropion
• had the most exhausting day of my entire life / terror / despair / shame / euphoria / growth
• relatefulness group
• did a solo of the choreography combo during dance class n it felt so healing
• my mind n body keep experiencing various surreal n harrowing states but i'm trying to fight for myself
• finally starting to internalize some healthy shit for a change
• performing in my dance company's end of season show
• christmas light sightseeing
• got a concussion in a trapeze accident, my 1st significant aerial injury
• 2nd week in a row where i seriously considered going to the er, this time bc brain injuries are freaky yo
• did eventually go the er for the brain injury
• went again 2 days later, on christmas, and stayed the night for mental health reasons, which was def one of the bravest things i've done
• yeah i'm. deadass not having a good relationship w work rn

january

• made & distributed care packages for the homeless people n it made me sad af
• went off bupropion bc it fucked me up too much. when it was good it was fucking awesome but when it was bad it was an unlivable nightmare
• switched to sertraline but hoping the days are getting long enough for me to not need it anymore
• got my invert from the air on silks!!
• aerial becoming the only activity in my life that reliably makes me happy anymore
• looking back on it now i'm like, shit bruh that was the worst winter depression of my entire life lmao
• literally thought i lost friendships bc of how i acted when my brain was fucked n feeling ongoing grief abt it
• rainy riverbed walk + stumbling on an artists' market where i bought freeze-dried candy

february

• 8 mile walk sans water + wetlands park + wandering thru world market in a dehydrated stupor
• awesome turning day in dance (hitting consistent double pirouettes thru the full class!!) followed by a much better spin tolerance day in lyra
• getting my backbend from standing
• my estranged dad died
• lunar new year party + ice cream n chats w/ s.m. & m.h. afterward. m telling me she loves watching me dance contemporary which meant a lot bc it's my favorite style & also that i remind her of a cat, both in the way i move n the way i take a bit to warm up to ppl 🥺
• having to take sole responsibility for dealing w the aftermath of my dad's death. sorting out the logistics, piecing together his later life, & processing the shit out of some complex feelings
• spilling my guts during company rehearsal & group hugging in a clump on the floor. later the clump became the starting pose for our modern piece ahaha ayyyy
• finding out my dad had paranoid schizophrenia & carrying the weight of this & the knowledge that i could inherit it like i inherited depression
• seeing him for the 1st time in 20 years at the crematory. reading 2 of my poems over his body & then witnessing the cremation. 100% one of the hardest & most intense things i've ever done but it was the right choice for me
• later the same day, going to the cat cafe, rehearsal, & a pole dance class bc life can literally fit so much inside it & this is highkey amazing
• letting go of a lot of my misanthropy thru experiencing the kindness of others & allowing myself to feel sympathy for my dad
• seeing cirque du soleil: crystal

march

• dance co pizza party
• learning more details about my dad's decline during the last months of his life & it being actually v upsetting
• eating at the restaurant where he last worked
• inheriting his money & feeling oddly guilty
• a.l. buying me cute but expensive dance heels out of incredible kindness
• butoh workshop & pretending to be animals & finding a rodent skull & dancing w trees and a shoelace & vibing during partner exercises
• japanese festival
• circus student show
• guest performing hip-hop & drunken backup dancing at karaoke afterward
• something shitty haunting me more again

april

• officially registered as a bone marrow donor
• lost a friend (they crossed a major boundary, refused to own up, & cut off contact. fuck that noise & good riddance)
• visited meow wolf: the real unreal & stayed for 10.5 hrs delighted & in awe. mesmerized by every exhibit but esp moved by the room where people could make the lights in the walls look like falling rain by playing moonlight sonata on the piano
• saw my 1st total solar eclipse in irving, tx!! watching the sun become a sliver & darkness descend (not pitch black, more like early evening dark), lying in the grass to gaze at a black circle in the sky w a ring of white light around it
• various nice moments like having pleasant talks w other guests at the airbnb & w someone in the neighborhood who showed me his flowers, eating tacos by a water tower & empanadas in the grass, lying in a hammock reading poems as evening fell & rainclouds gathered
• last day in the dallas area visiting the giant eyeball sculpture, the asian art museum, & the grapevine aquarium (loved the 360° shark tunnel ofc but my personal fave was the moon jellyfish tank w the color changing lights)
• ua spring dance show
• hit 10,000 miles on my car driving to the photography shop
• c.a. & a.l. coming down to visit, getting the cops called on us for laying under a tree, going to saguaro national park & the desert museum, having really good animal encounters, mutually trauma sharing abt shitty relationships & feeling affirmed & held & free
• ~10 mile solo hike in saguaro national park & meeting someone walking her siamese cat(!!) along a trail at sundown