november

• tucson dance showcase + 4 hr vulnerability car convo w/ c.p. in a walgreens parking lot
• c.w. treating me to italian food + great conversation
• all souls procession w/ c.p. + watching the burning of the urn + midnight ramen + near-continuous talking for 7h 40m
• hanging w/ c.w. during lunch break + visiting their friend who runs a performance space out of her carport + sharing wine + going back to work sloshed n not giving a fuck bc the vibes were on point
• c.a. drew a comic zine abt me n it was the nicest thing ever 🥺
• back in depresh mode n it's kinda brutal ayy anyone else feel me
• got the drunkest i've ever been
• not having a great relationship w alcohol again

december

• my prop umbrella turned inside out during a dance performance n i got super off count for the rest of the piece lmao
• finally being able to do russian fouettés!
• went ice skating
• relapsed w/ self-harm
• went on bupropion
• had the most exhausting day of my entire life / terror / despair / shame / euphoria / growth
• relatefulness group
• did a solo of the choreography combo during dance class n it felt so healing
• my mind n body keep experiencing various surreal n harrowing states but i'm trying to fight for myself
• finally starting to internalize some healthy shit for a change
• performing in my dance company's end of season show
• christmas light sightseeing
• got a concussion in a trapeze accident, my 1st significant aerial injury
• 2nd week in a row where i seriously considered going to the er, this time bc brain injuries are freaky yo
• did eventually go the er for the brain injury
• went again 2 days later, on christmas, and stayed the night for mental health reasons, which was def one of the bravest things i've done
• yeah i'm. deadass not having a good relationship w work rn

january

• made & distributed care packages for the homeless people n it made me sad af
• went off bupropion bc it fucked me up too much. when it was good it was fucking awesome but when it was bad it was an unlivable nightmare
• switched to sertraline but hoping the days are getting long enough for me to not need it anymore
• got my invert from the air on silks!!
• aerial becoming the only activity in my life that reliably makes me happy anymore
• looking back on it now i'm like, shit bruh that was the worst winter depression of my entire life lmao
• literally thought i lost friendships bc of how i acted when my brain was fucked n feeling ongoing grief abt it
• rainy riverbed walk + stumbling on an artists' market where i bought freeze-dried candy

february

• 8 mile walk sans water + wetlands park + wandering thru world market in a dehydrated stupor
• awesome turning day in dance (hitting consistent double pirouettes thru the full class!!) followed by a much better spin tolerance day in lyra
• getting my backbend from standing
• my estranged dad died
• lunar new year party + ice cream n chats w/ s.m. & m.h. afterward. m telling me she loves watching me dance contemporary which meant a lot bc it's my favorite style & also that i remind her of a cat, both in the way i move n the way i take a bit to warm up to ppl 🥺
• having to take sole responsibility for dealing w the aftermath of my dad's death. sorting out the logistics, piecing together his later life, & processing the shit out of some complex feelings
• spilling my guts during company rehearsal & group hugging in a clump on the floor. later the clump became the starting pose for our modern piece ahaha ayyyy
• finding out my dad had paranoid schizophrenia & carrying the weight of this & the knowledge that i could inherit it like i inherited depression
• seeing him for the 1st time in 20 years at the crematory. reading 2 of my poems over his body & then witnessing the cremation. 100% one of the hardest & most intense things i've ever done but it was the right choice for me
• later the same day, going to the cat cafe, rehearsal, & a pole dance class bc life can literally fit so much inside it & this is highkey amazing
• letting go of a lot of my misanthropy thru experiencing the kindness of others & allowing myself to feel sympathy for my dad
• seeing cirque du soleil: crystal

march

• dance co pizza party
• learning more details about my dad's decline during the last months of his life & it being actually v upsetting
• eating at the restaurant where he last worked
• inheriting his money & feeling oddly guilty
• a.l. buying me cute but expensive dance heels out of incredible kindness
• butoh workshop & pretending to be animals & finding a rodent skull & dancing w trees and a shoelace & vibing during partner exercises
• japanese festival
• circus student show
• guest performing hip-hop & drunken backup dancing at karaoke afterward
• something shitty haunting me more again

april

• officially registered as a bone marrow donor
• lost a friend (they crossed a major boundary, refused to own up, & cut off contact. fuck that noise & good riddance)
• visited meow wolf: the real unreal & stayed for 10.5 hrs delighted & in awe. mesmerized by every exhibit but esp moved by the room where people could make the lights in the walls look like falling rain by playing moonlight sonata on the piano
• saw my 1st total solar eclipse in irving, tx!! watching the sun become a sliver & darkness descend (not pitch black, more like early evening dark), lying in the grass to gaze at a black circle in the sky w a ring of white light around it
• various nice moments like having pleasant talks w other guests at the airbnb & w someone in the neighborhood who showed me his flowers, eating tacos by a water tower & empanadas in the grass, lying in a hammock reading poems as evening fell & rainclouds gathered
• last day in the dallas area visiting the giant eyeball sculpture, the asian art museum, & the grapevine aquarium (loved the 360° shark tunnel ofc but my personal fave was the moon jellyfish tank w the color changing lights)
• ua spring dance show
• hit 10,000 miles on my car driving to the photography shop
• c.a. & a.l. coming down to visit, getting the cops called on us for laying under a tree in a bougie neighborhood, going to saguaro national park & the desert museum, having really good animal encounters, mutually trauma sharing abt shitty relationships & feeling affirmed & held & free
• ~10 mile solo hike in saguaro national park & meeting someone walking her siamese cat(!!) on a trail at sundown
• being in a zoom poetry reading for c.s.'s book launch & my cat screaming in the background for part of my set lol
• progressing to int/adv aerial silks & trying a double stacked drop that put me on the path to overcoming my fear of falling forwards

may

• dance company end of season show
• first acro/tumbling class in a long time
• alvvays concert!
• shitty trauma & pmdd weekend culminating in performing drunk in a dance show & getting further trashed out of my skull afterward </3
• climbing tumamoc hill + millennium camera + golden hour + city lights <3
• donated blood
• abused drugs & unfortunately it slapped
• circling group + hangout; the shock of the new
• went back to ballet after 5 mos even tho it meant being in the same room as the person who gave me trauma. one of the strongest things i've ever done tbh
• found out my blood type (ab+, universal recipient + universal plasma donor)
• so happy for my close friend w cancer who got the news that his tumor has shrunk to be barely visible on imaging anymore <3

june

• took 2 lyra classes in a row n got so dizzy i had to cancel dinner plans w j.r. but it was fine bc we still hung out & i met his kitty
• did mushrooms for the 1st time on the solstice and scattered half my dad's ashes on tumamoc hill. amazing trip where i was able to feel a genuine sense of love / connection / presence with him
• afterward, went to waffle house w j.r. at 11pm & then back to my place where we talked til 3am
• going to my 3rd circling session & crying a lot in front of someone i didn't know well, then playing on the pole/aerial equipment in b.h.'s sex party room, then j.r. disclosing sth edgy yet tender
• museum of contemporary art w j.g., then wandering solo around the msa annex, then j.r. popping in late night to talk thru sth rough

july

• took my 100th class (acro) at my aerial studio
• figured out how to do a fish flop
• tripped again & it was less emotionally satisfying / revelatory than last time but there were a lot more surreal / fractal / kaleidoscopic visuals
• working on a photography + poetry hybrid project as my latest effort to process trauma
• on the same topic, accepting i'm not better yet & that it'll probably be a long time before i genuinely am
• spelunking w j.r. at peppersauce cave! so cool & spooky & captivating. having this fascinating impression of exploring the body of an entity w a totally different biology from myself. then thai food afterward
• doing doubles work in lyra
• improving my climb technique in pole to the point where i can basically now climb to the top
• saw a toad in my apartment complex that i later discovered was a native psychedelic toad :O
• feeling a lot more comfortable dancing in heels at m.h.'s workshop
• spending 4 hrs at the climbing gym w j.r. + eating 4 sushi rolls afterward + incredible conversation where we classified every body part as what type of climbing handhold it would count as
• decemberists concert! & hearing them play joan in the garden while peaking on a microdose. afterward, making a smoothie on a whim that turned out to be maybe the best smoothie i've ever had
• 3 day hiking tour in landmannalaugar in the icelandic highlands. no words, just awe & sweat & winded lungs & otherworldly beauty
• walking endlessly around the streets of reykjavík, wandering thru art shops & parks, riding a ferris wheel for the 1st time, & meeting so many wonderful street cats(!) some of whom even let me pet them(!!)

august

• extended post-travel funk, back in the same old boring pains again
• my carnivorous plants died, rip </3
• broke a $4800 table at work
• dancing less, reading more
• visited the 2nd cat lounge in town
• luchi is still the best baby tho. my love for him feels like an atom-fusing, obliterating sun & i wonder if this is the purest love i will ever experience
• spooky evening driving to aerial thru a torrential hailstorm, watching my instructor fall out of a drop & onto her neck (she was ok), & seeing a massive orange full moon rising on the drive back
• convo w my boss abt dancing at the same ballet studio as kids
• beautiful mushroom trip listening to music in quiet bliss, rediscovering happy memories, feeling so much love & wanting to hug the child versions of my mom & dad but esp my grandma & esp my 15 yr old self <3

september

• getting a chewable necklace pendant & chewing holes in it within 2 weeks lol – but they sent me a free replacement!
• weird day when everything went sideways: had to help last-minute w a work photoshoot during which another table broke, my coworker had to take her cat to the er, my other coworker's boat broke while on a fishing trip, & my friend's dad was admitted to the hospital. a few days later my car battery died
• nyc trip!! drenching myself in art at moma, the met, the guggenheim, & mercer labs, watching moulin rouge on broadway, wandering thru central park & times square, looking at city lights from the top of the empire state building, impulse buying lots of art books, eating delicious food, soaking in the novelty of everything & indulging the sensory seeker in me
• downloaded the too good to go app & damn it's highkey brilliant for fighting food waste
• impulse bought 16 more books at 2am & realized my minimalist tendencies Do Not extend to books or artwork & i am fine w this lol
• finally got my garbage disposal & ceiling fan fixed like a proper adult
• bought my 1st bike!
• rented studio time & finally got serious about choreographing my solo!
• commuted to work via bike for the 1st time
• put down my deposit for next year's circus intensive at my aerial studio

october

• feeling validated in my decision to only do lmdc in a limited capacity this year
• will officially be performing a solo in the winter show!
• tucson meet yourself w j.g. + eating too much (but that's the whole point) + vibing to a tohono o'odham waila band as the sun went down
• my bike got stolen after only like a week, which had me LIVID. replaced it w a foldable bike that i can take inside w me. fuck bike thieves fr tho
• invited to be part of a butoh piece for next year's fringe festival!
• fun circus day learning a quad stacked drop in silks & a one-handed cartwheel in acro
• finished my great pacific garbage patch costume & wore it to pizza & movie night at my dance studio
• went ziplining & one of my guides was cute :3