100 mg, 2x/day

• worked well for 3 days
  • better mood
  • enjoying things again
  • having helpful realizations
  • gave me the strong urge to constantly say my thoughts out loud lol
  • gave me less sleep each night tho
• day 4 was fucking crazy
  • 2 hours of sleep only
  • 7 hours of feeling like i was stuck in an anxiety attack i couldn't come down from
  • absolutely fucking harrowing thoughts around losing my mind and things i might do
  • most exhausting day of my life and i STILL only got 2 hours of sleep again

50 mg, 1x/every other day

• worked well for ~2 weeks
  • same benefits as before
  • continuing to have really good realizations and growth moments. that premium shit
  • easier to sleep
• wore off / depression started breaking through again
  • thoughts / urges centered on fairly consequential acts of self harm
  • could have been related to or worsened by the brain injury
  • short break for the hospital

100 mg, 1x/day

• could only do this 2 days, it was brutal
• day 1 took a pill and felt shitty within the hour, e.g driving and crying over some random upsetting thought
• day 2 had me wrecked
  • depressed af
  • also anxious, derealized, and scatterbrained
  • wanting to od the same night so i could be hospitalized. the urge was so strong
  • crying hysterically in my car during my lunch hour
  • super fucked up sequence playing on repeat in my head about my cat slowly dying alone if i accidentally died from the od. and it still didn't make the urge less strong </3
  • felt unexpectedly better after coming home and usually nights are bad for me. this correlated w the pill wearing off for the day and around the time i'd be supposed to take a 2nd. sus

150 mg extended release, 1x/day

• it's only been 2 days and things aren't boding well
  • i just feel so sad and dead inside
  • nothing makes me happy except for my cat
  • sleepy all the time
  • afraid that the person inside me who helped me realize things and problem solve is fading
• day 3 was actually pretty good. felt like a living person again and was able to get a personal project done
• day 4 mostly good but depressed again at night
• seems like the trend so far is that it'll work decently most of the day and there will be a stretch of a few hours or so where the depression breaks through. which isn't terrible. i mean. life is currently livable
• ok now i seem to keep alternating between good and bad days? jfc i'm tired. like emotionally but also sleepy a lot of the time too? can i just have like 3 days in a row where i feel ok??
• 1/10 was a 1/10. today was fucking awful. i don't know how the fuck i'm supposed to go on. it's like i'm getting crushed to nothing, like my personhood is being ground to dust. i feel like there is nothing inside me anymore. death is ugly and life is ugly and i want to die but i don't want to die but i don't know how to fucking live anymore
• 1/11 started shitty but ended good? had a great silks class n felt human again
• 1/12 was a no pill day n the good feeling kept going? interesting
• 1/13 took a pill again. shit day, felt suicidal
• 1/14 took a pill. nice day, had aerial n then got a lot of choreography done
• 1/15 took a pill. shit day, my pmdd's acting up and it fucking sucks
• 1/16 took a pill. still have pmdd
• 1/17 took a prozac instead, just to test again that it doesn't work anymore. awful day, wanted to die. but oddly i did have a few hours at night where i felt great n was able to work on choreography

no meds

• 1/18 the mood swings were unreal but i still felt good after aerial
• 1/19 pretty good
• 1/20 awful. got piss drunk n cut. fucking mess
• 1/21 actually quite good. the weather was rainy n overcast in a nice way so i went for a riverbed walk n browsed thru a local artists' market