- helicopter landing on the roof as i walked toward the building. the way the sound filled the air. the red and green lights it flashed and me wondering if it was christmas themed or always like that
- medical settings are mostly just waiting and the rest of the time is telling the same information to different people -- the front desk person, the triage nurse (who took me directly to the back without sending me back into the waiting room), the registration person, the er doctor, the psychiatrist
- having my belongings taken away and putting my clothes and shoes in bags
- changing into burgundy disposable scrubs that were way too big on me and the grippy socks! the grippy socks of lore!!
- the registration person was the same person who was working the front desk 2 days earlier and we remembered each other. she also has a siamese cat and enjoys the place i work at. at one point she said "oh you have a flame point siamese and you work at (workplace)? you're the luckiest girl in the world" which kind of made me feel like i was back in the human suit. she is also a vegetarian with strong feelings(tm) about it and when i said i was mostly vegetarian she said "good on you"
- having 3 vials of blood taken and an ekg for the 1st time. seeing the green signatures of my heart and not knowing what any of it meant except that i was alive. the sticky goopy feeling of the ekg sticker backs as the adhesive melted against my skin
- having to give a urine sample (in case i was on illegal drugs) and drinking 2 small bottles of orange gatorade and then i peed so much it overflowed the cup n i didn't know what to do so i was peeing into my hand for a solid 5 seconds or more before i had the presence of mind to move my hand out the way n pee into the toilet
- the nurse noticing me shivering and giving me blankets that felt warm like they were fresh out of the dryer
- having an iv port in all night but not actually ever getting anything via iv. the weird ache of having sth stuck under your skin and the lil tube filling w blood slowly over hours
- i had nothing to do in that room bc i had nothing with me except a piece of paper with the billing dept info on it, so i ripped squares of paper out of its top margin and made paper cranes all night. i folded so slowly that i only made 7 cranes and each one started with the same size square but somehow ended up slightly smaller than the last. it was actually very calming for me bc of my need to fidget/make small repetitive motions. 3 separate nurses complimented me on them
- a room with a woman unconscious in bed with tubes and a nurse attending her and the entire room was filled with the sound of whooshing air. later the room was empty. like completely empty, no bed, no machines. like she'd been a dream.
- a room with a man lying on the floor gripping a chair leg for stability
- someone getting worked up and shouting in a room nearby. two nurses gathered in the hall but their body language didn't seem super stressed
- someone in a room down in the hall who kept puking sooo loudly n obnoxiously and me thinking "bro shut the fuck up" "fucking calm down already"
- someone in a room making loud pain noises and the nurses in the hall holding casual conversation and laughing. not in a callous way, i felt, just in a way that they knew the person was being taken care of and they'd been habituated to the noises of the er
- someone being discharged and not wanting to leave? the nurse saying they would have to call security to escort them out. not sure if it was the puker but then he asked for a wheelchair and another nurse said "sir you've been walking around for the past 6 hours"
- tying a knot at the front of my scrub shirt to make it into a crop top whenever i left my room to use the bathroom bc i still wanted to look as cute as i could
- an announcement coming on the pa system calling for some kind of attention to a room in tower 4 of the children's ward and me thinking "jesus some kid is dying and my problems are so petty in comparison"
- finding a compartment under the bedside table with a flippable mirror and underneath the mirror, a pink leopard print claw hair clip that someone had left behind
- the er kept reminding me of an airplane. constant whooshing noise, people talking and walking around, people bringing you packaged food items, the pillows and blankets, the uncomfortable sleeping situation and not being able to sleep much, and perhaps most of all, the sense of liminality, of being in a temporary place on your way to somewhere else
- i was impressed with how kind and patient everyone was. genuinely felt listened to and not rushed. it was the deciding factor in making me feel safe/comfortable/relieved and like i'd made the right choice
- being put in room 35 and wondering if it was secretly the designated suicidal/self-harm person room bc it was right by the nurses' station and there was usually one nurse sitting w a direct view into my room, i guess if i tried any hijinks
- people constantly coming in and taking my vitals
- being asked the psychosis and dementia test questions by the psychiatrist, like what my name was, where i was, the date, the last 3 presidents, the days of the week backward, being told to remember 3 words (brown, tulip, happy)
- being told my options for afterward, which were 1) hospitalization, 2) an intensive outpatient program, or 3) being sent home in the morning w a list of resources to call. thinking that if i could do anything i wanted i would choose hospitalization but also having the thought that i'd have intense imposter syndrome about it bc i wasn't actually suicidal. remembering times in my life when i was and would have benefited from hospitalization and also having the realization that i didn't want to take a spot away from someone like my past self, that i wanted to make things easier for them, like maybe then they could get a bed faster or not have to travel as far somewhere else. thinking i was better and stronger now and i could do a generous thing for that person who resembles who i used to be
dec 27 2023 ∞
dec 27 2023 +