- IT DID NOT CHANGE ME AS A PERSON OR GIVE ME POWERS like some gwyneth paltrow yoni magic shit lmao
- it got harder week by week (har har)
- took one day off in the middle bc i was on my period and it was shittier than usual so i allowed myself a skip day bc the point was to center my own pleasure
- particular fantasies were a little less of a turn-on with each consecutive use (rip)
- sure do fantasize about some highly specific and questionable shit. but i already knew that
- rediscovered adolescent ability to orgasm holding certain stretches. the power of this, too, faded the more i used it. but on the plus side: flexibility?
- went on pornhub for the first time at 27
- also helped by erotic asmr on youtube
- porn is like alcohol: nasty n scary at first bc adults demonized it when you were a kid, but then you get a taste for it and come to enjoy how certain kinds make you feel
- def felt myself getting conditioned to be used to porn imagery
- the way i thought about female-bodied ppl was starting to shift as well
- probably good i got out then
- porn feels like it's made for men to look at no matter the pairing or scenario: m/f, f/f, m/m... porn that has the woman dominate the man still feels like it's made for men to get off on, for instance
- but is it a feature of the way the videos themselves are made, or is it something i'm projecting onto them bc of the assumptions / teachings i'm going in with? maybe both?
- everyone in porn has an immaculately hairless vulva and it's fucking ridiculous and crazy-making but also hot. like i'm torn; on the one hand, ripping out your pubes for other people's eyes is stupid. on the other, having an unobstructed view: nice
- the exercise as a whole is proof positive for an idea i encountered once in a philosophy class, which is that there are small pleasures that don't affect our lives on a deep level; and then there are significant happinesses that change our lives in a profound way and color our moods for a long time, and orgasming every day is def the former. sure it felt good while it lasted, but i'm still angry and unmoored inside a perishable body inside a ruthless world and so on. but hey, if big happiness remains elusive, sometimes small happiness is the best i can hope for and the best i'm gonna get.
- glad i did it. for science(tm) and the sheer fuckin hell of it. bc i could. bc i wanted a challenge and bc i like to push at the limits of myself and see what is there.
feb 14 2021 ∞
feb 27 2021 +