- vague anxiety & malaise, then lying in bed laughing & crying to music
- being amazed at the colors & cloud formations in the sunset altho it was objectively stunning & i'm sure i would have been blown away regardless
- feeling almost like my body was lifting upward & briefly worrying i was going to float away into the sky even tho i was inside an uber
- walking up tumamoc & feeling the urge to make eye contact and smile at everyone i passed
- then darkness descending & the wind picking up around the halfway point. feeling woozy & lying down on a bench
- sitting there for a long time feeling apprehensive as the wind intensified & wondering if a storm was blowing in & if i should go back down. a sense of loneliness & fear & wishing i was home
- deciding to continue on in the dark. searching for a sense of connection w my dad but not being able to find it. feeling grief & isolation. but also feeling encouraged by the presence of a few others who had decided like me to keep going up
- periodically looking behind me at the city lights & feeling like i was perched on a precipice about to "fall into" the scene below me
- experiencing a sense of bodily ephemerality. imagining my body as a translucent sheet being whipped around by the crazy wind, something fragile & impermanent
- having the magical nature of my situation sink in: dark tree silhouettes in front of me, city lights behind me, the drug in my body, & my dad's ashes in my bag. like a dream i had as a child of some fantastical adventure
- reaching the top & being shook by the sheer force of the wind which not only made me feel like i was glued on the outside of an airplane but also happened to be blowing the exact opposite direction i wanted
- hugging his ashes and finally entering into the connection space. thinking "i am here," "i am with you," "we are here," "we are with each other" etc
- hesitating to say that i loved him before realizing that i could love him in a similar way as i loved the rocks i was sitting on & and the plants around me & the lights below me & the air i breathed & the wind on my skin & the movement of all things & life... that i didn't have to know everything about these things in order to love them & that i didn't have to love every trait or every action that a person had ever taken in order to love them... that love could be simple & expansive & take countless forms & that in this way i love(d) him
- wishing for genuine connection bw people & for all of us to see the humanity & recognize the light in each other, "to move forward together into love"
- even thinking of my boundary crosser in a charitable light, feeling sorry for them & thinking "i want you to get better, even if it's not with me"
- letting the ashes go & seeing how that ridiculous relentless wind took hold of him & made him fly, even though he was getting blown back against the hill
- feeling joy & expansiveness & a sense of victory on my way back down
jun 25 2024 ∞
aug 4 2024 +
aug 4 2024 +