conteudo pra terapia contem todos os gatilhos possiveis do mundo sorry for being in agony... tw everything tw tw tw tw !!

january

• pavor do q foi 2021 pavor de ano novo pavor de vida pavor de ser eu
• gostei de uma foto q tirei de vdd talvez pela primeira vez na vida
• literalmente me senti como se sobreviver os primeiros dias do ano tivesse sido a coisa mais dificil q ja fiz what a year huh.... captain its january 2
• i cant stop feeling like i will *INAUDIVEL* this year or something lol i guess i just can see it coming :l
• idk how much longer i can slay................
• I GOT XIAO!!!!!!!!! FINALLY I AM NO LONGER MENTALLY ILL!!!! (for 3 days)
• eu me sinto completamente instavel. como se tudo me desestabilizasse.
• queria ter cabeça pra fazer alguma coisa sobre o meu corpo . i simply hate it so much and wont do anything about it since i will just * anyway lol
• in my crying while looking at my body era <3 feeling fucked up <3 girl momenttt !!
• i might be in my crying era again (update: i was not)
• kinda feeling like i should stop updating this publicly especially since im already feeling like a burden
• im not the person i was 3 years ago and i cant stop thinking like i dont have anything else to offer and this bothers me so much..... i feel like all my personality traits rn are just depression related ones. im a heavy weight even to myself
• i would like to go just 1 entire day without thinking that i should just kill myself
• assistindo euphoria e o remake de rebelde nao gostei de nenhum mas engoli tudo
• i feel so evil (pra variar ... mulher acorde). i know im not necessarily evil but im just so numb. so indifferent. why cant i feel anything even when im in a situation where i should definitely feel things. this indifference makes me feel so evil. not knowing what to say or what to do makes me feel so evil. my indifferent presence might hurt others but i cant seem to do anything about it. it makes me feel like i should probably be alone bc i dont deserve anything else. i wish i was normal. i wish i just knew how to act.
• (x) a virginia e a mitski lutando pra ver quem me conhece mais
• 21/01: hj to me sentindo a ultima gostosa do planeta
• eu sempre perco oportunidades por nao me achar preparada pra situaçao nenhuma ...... senhor qnd q vou parar de evitar a VIDA
• de vdd acho q so arrumo um emprego medicada ou so faço qualquer coisa no mundo medicada . se medicada eu nao for otima eu desisto
• eh uma perturbaçao pra mim eu saber q todos os dias eu tenho q acordar e viver um dia. eh desanimador pra mim eu saber que um dia acabou e o amanha vai vir ai e eu vou ter q levantar comer tomar banho tudo de novo. e isso me apavora um pouco pq sao coisas basicas eu nem saindo de casa to nem to indo pra faculdade nem trabalho nem faço nada. mas eu saber que no dia seguinte eu vou ter que almoçar e jantar me da um cansaço.
• tantas questoes q eu queria resolver e nao consigo nem chegar nelas por nao ter animo e simplesmente nao querer fazer o q tenho q fazer. sensaçao de nao saber nem se quero melhorar pq nao me vejo aqui por mto tempo
• got zhongli!
• minha psicologa realmente acha q eu tenho toc mas vou ignorar essa pra sempre <3 baby choose at least 2 mental problems or something... you cant have them all <3
• agr a luta pra marcar o psiqui imagina ser a pessoa q mais evita situaçoes no mundo! eh so marcar pela internet qual a dificuldade maricona idiota
• 3101 aniversario da mari

february

• fiquei com falta de ar pq minha mae encostou em mim dps de falar com uma pessoa na rua com ctz estou apta a voltar a viver em sociedade!
• i have literally no energy like ever
• sentindo meu corpo na beira do desligamento eu preciso parar d ser idiota e DORMIR ! passar o dia inteiro travada de sono e c o coraçao acelerado nao eh ok !! se manque muito
• me fudendo mt na faculdade e nao choca
• i cant ruin things so i will just die with these feelings inside of me forever
• mitski month!!!!!
• as vezes eu prendo o xixi pra evitar ir no banheiro da minha propria casa this is getting insane now
• i have more unhealthy habits than i can count why do i do this to myself
• no fundo eu sou so uma pessoa ruim e egocentrica msm
• sou viciada em desistir eh inacreditavel nao duro 15 min em nada
• ainda to me sentindo mt instavel
• mitski was right im NOT DOING ANYTHING
• i don't really get why every mark in my body makes me feel like it's a death sentence. i don't even know how to elaborate about it but it's like i can't even touch myself. if i touch my own legs or arms (or sometimes even my face) i have to wash my hands immediately & i don't know why i feel so contaminated
• if i really do have ocd its getting really bad now. shivering because i had the urge to keep washing my hands non stop. it didnt stop after washing them and my body remained tense (& i felt so anxious while still washing them). i also felt so scratchyyyyy and it was making me insane i just felt like ripping my skin off
• vegetei deitada na cama por 1 semana e msm assim so queria passar o resto dos meus dias assim msm nao tneho a menor vontade de fazer mais nada alem disso
• lembrando da minha psicologa falando q eu tenho o medo como a base d todos os aspectos da minha vida and i can see it now...
• cara q estresse viver. nao consigo correr atras de nada nao quero fazer nada nao tenho interesse por nada AT THIS POINT............
• ouvir mitski deitada e outros pavores
• its ok but i dont think i will ever be ok actually idk i wish i could feel like it was possible
• queria conseguir parar d sentir q eu estraguei a vida dos meus pais so de ter nascido this is fucking my headddd
• vontade de gritar i just feel sooooo$(#$%($#%i(#$%i#$#####@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!o)____(o!!!!!!!!!###@@!#$%¨&&****)()))**&%
• pc tendo q ir pro conserto duas vezes pls q de tudo certo depois da segunda vez nao sei ate onde aguento tudo acontecendo ao mesmo tempo <3

march

• its been a few days since my hands feel a little weird. like they are not mine again. and then my vision is getting blurry and distant. again. its getting kinda hard to focus and to feel here. again. my arm felt soooooo weird it was like it was disconnected, like someone was holding it in place but it was not quite attached. when i get up and feel tall i know its because im feeling weird in my body, because it makes me feel like im taking too much space.
• im actually sad now i guess. a proxima vez q me sentir feliz capaz de eu desintegrar no impacto
• i wish i wasnt so touch starved bc i dont even know what to do with this feeling. its so humiliating to cry at the thought of being held lol
• fui na academia com a karoll e a rayane !! a good day <3 <3 <3
• being at home always ruins my mood somehow even if ive had a really good day. i hate this so much and theres really nothing i can do i guess. i hate feeling like i cant allow myself to be in a good mood because i know things will be bad soon. i hate feeling like i cant say or do anything. i hate feeling like i have to become a ghost to not bother anyone and to not make more problems for others.
• sometimes i feel like something will burst from my chest and i wont be able to control it. i know its a good feeling but im too afraid to ruin everything so i dont think i can risk it. im too insecure and i know i dont have too much to offer. god my heart is racing now
• mitski made sooooo many points with pink in the night. feeling a little insane actually
• soljiwan fancams will kill me i swear . the gay thoughts are intense lately
• sol saying "because my desires kept growing" GOD. and jiwan feeling like sol wouldn't lose too much but she would lose half her life. GOD.
• i want to try to get better. i'm feeling greedy and i want more. i want to finally be fine so i can stay here. i want to stay here because i want to see where some feelings will go. i want to let myself feel something good for once !!! im tired of being cautious with everything and i want to stop letting fear dictate my life sometimes (also listography failed TWICE while i was trying to save this so i think this might be a sign lollllll.......... dont be too hopeful i guess. allow yourself to feel it but dont indulge in it too much. i know im too much. not saying anything might be for the best.)
• i know i said all that /\ but thinking clearly now i know i have no confidence kkkk i was feeling like i wasnt scared anymore but i guess when i think about it i still am lol i dont have anything to offer. maybe if i was a different person with a different life
• i actually need to be independent already. its sad and i might love them and they might love me (even if not in the way i want them to) but i know my parents bring me down and i will never be fine as long as i live here. i think i dont love them when they are together. i just dont have any strenght to do anything about it ......... but i will have !! and i will think only about myself !! eventualy i will also leave this city !!
• feeling so anxious i couldnt sleep because i was scared of not waking up (fainted and slept a little after 7am)
• feeling really insane these days. like im really REALLY reaching my limit. pelo menos marquei o psiquiatra.
• 15/03 fui na consulta. comecei a medicaçao
• foi importante p mim a psiquiatra ter falado sobre o meu sentimento de despersonalizaçao
• a prof de lit bras ii fez o melhor comentario q eu ja tive em alguma avaliaçao na facu (e foi um trabalho q eu sei q gostei de fazer)
• literalmnte devia ter anos q nao me sentia relaxada q nem no primeiro dia q comecei a tomar o remedio. por incrivel q pareça consegui passar um dia inteiro sem pensar em * pois nao passou nem vento na minha cabeça como pode um efeito rapido ! pior q eu me sentir bem ao msm tempo q tava me sentindo dopada so me faz perceber o quanto eu tava instavel e desequilibrada antes kkkkk aloka ! literally just vibing it was nice to breath a little but lets see where this goes rn my brain is kinda not thinking
• live do alan de elden ring
• tentando voltar a ver dorama (nao tenho mais paciencia pra ver nada)
• i wish i had something to offer. i dont really want to die with these feelings buried inside of me. i don't know if it's more selfish saying something about it or not saying it. i want to talk about it but im afraid i will ruin things. i wish i wasnt so fucking complicateddddddddddd
• queria ser mais espontanea mas eu fico travada com literalmente tudo de tanto pensar em tudo q pode dar errado e de medo de incomodar os outros
• i still want to * myself actually. meds didnt help with that. i still think its my only option
• o VICIO completo em cookie run
• fiquei 2 meses (sem perceber) pra marcar uma consulta e so de pensar que tenho mais consultas pra marcar da vontade d morrer na moral como odeio fazer QUALQUER COISA
• a crise de alergia que nao sei de onde veio e provavelmente nem vou saber se depender d mim mesma pra marcar um medico pelo amor de deus sabe. queria q alguem sugasse meu cerebro num canudo comigo acordada
• AINDA evitando a terapia guess i will just die before i do anything in life

april

• acho q minha pele ta tao desidratada q ta apodrecendo em mim
• assisti blue (2002): "you know what i want? i want to get away from here. somewhere far away. it scares me, though. anywhere but here. but there's nothing i really want to do. i don't amount to anything. and it scares me to think of leaving when i'm like that."
• assisti moonlit winter gay excellence but it killed me ....... the yearning of it all ....... the "p.s. i dream about you too" ...........
• i never felt more gay ! im tired of being a repressed gay but well. what can i do.
• idk what to do with my feelings now that im aware of them
• me senti mto sozinha hoje qnd percebi q nao tinha pra onde ir no meio do #4857545 caos q aconteceu aqui em casa
• i wish i could cry at home every time i feel like crying. i dont want to hold it in anymore. but i know i will just keep holding it in. i dont know how to do otherwise. i don't want to be vulnerable in front of people who don't really care about my feelings or understand them. if they love me they love me in a way i don't understand
• i wish it was possible for me to be loved but deep inside i know im not worth it
• all i want is to be good enough to be worth of that honestly. i keep wanting more but i cant do anything about it. i wouldnt be good i guess. i really want to talk about it but i feel like i shouldnt
• (11/04) volta do presencial. a lot of terrible emotions and feelings but it wasnt that bad when i got there. i felt really awkward and uncomfortable tho. seeing so many people at the same place as me makes me feel so out of place. i just feel like i cant ever be casual and unbothered because im always aware of everything, even my own body and movements. (passei mal na noite anterior mas nao passei mal no dia. talvez tenha me acalmado pq tomei um remedio antes de sair de casa e pq meu pai me levou. qnd eu tiver que pegar onibus pra ir talvez seja um pouquinho pior)
• minha monografia vai sair aparentemente ? (pavor)
• i always feel like i have to pretend to be okay because my dad doesnt think i should be mentally ill! he thinks i need no meds and no therapy! i should just kill myself in front of him already!
• even if i still frequently want to die, now i feel like i could live if i want to. its been some time since i felt this way. before i always felt like the option of living was not available to me. but at the end i guess im still ok with it, i might even welcome it, still.
• to me sentindo mais estavel, acho (fiquei os primeiros meses do ano me sentindo literalmente no meu limite como se faltasse so mais 1 coisinha acontecer pra eu desistir de vez. agr nao to me desestabilizando com tanta facilidade, acho)
• im in my movie watching era (nao quero preparar o tcc)
• amo minha vo
• literally feeling sooooo sleepy lately. i dont have energy
• my desires keep growing. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i knew if it is okay to just talk about how i feel already
• as if someone would feel that way about me
• im thinking it doesnt matter whether im alive or not. it wouldn't really make a difference. this man has no effect on the plot indeed. but its ok i think im used to feeling like im nothing. i think this is just the feeling i get when i spend too much time by myself at college, observing too much, seeing people live what i'm not capable of. i think im feeling really down rn
• 21/04 (date no centro e mc donalds!) i can't believe my best friend likes me back, it honestly feels like a dream. it was so nice to hold hands and i feel like i could hold them forever and never let go. i didn't realize she had so many moles on her hands. it's pretty. she's so pretty. she makes me feel good and safe. i'm so glad i can really look at her now. i can't forget the feeling of her hands on mine. it felt so nice, so natural. even if we're not used to experiencing this i know it will be fine, because it's us. i want to see her again and again and again. i really want to be alone with her.
• life can be good and surprising !!! i keep thinking about her and my heart starts beating so fast !! literally cant stop smiling whenever i think about her !! cant wait to hold her hands again
• to me sentindo nas nuvens como eh bom nao esconder mais esses sentimentos
• (x) literallyyyyy
• me sentindo a mulher mais apaixonada do brasil....... im sooooooooooo lucky
• sometimes being with my parents just remind me of my 12 year old self listening to you make me wanna die nonstop
• 26/04 (date no fundao!) (want to remember the date of all my days with her). hugging her is literally so comforting i needed this feeling so much !!!! meeting her is always the best part of my week. leaving class to hug her again was probably my best idea. i can still feel everywhere she touched me and i just feel soooo fgbjkhgfg.... <3_<3
• honestly these are literally the best days of my life im not even being gay. i still cant believe we can be like that now. i want to keep doing things with her forever actually
• literally <3 (x)
• 29/04 (um date de vdd no shopping !) saw the jjk0 movie. it was so fun to watch it together. i feel like we cuddled so much and it felt so nice to always be near her, hugging her and touching her. we shared an açai . honestly it makes me feel so silly but i cherish these little intimate moments so much. i dont really have this experience so it makes me feel really happy to have it with her. we kissed !!!!!!!!!!! we might need more practice !!!! it feels so nice when its just us two. she is so gentle !! love seeing her smile. love feeling her hands on me (a imagem do emoji corado). peace and love on the planet earth. my heart is literally hers.
• im feeling so sleepy

may

• im literally so in love with her...... every time i look at our pictures my heart bursts from my chest
• i tend to think i always make people unhappy and that people will always get tired of me. i should probably work on that
• 03/05: (date no onibus e ponto de onibus!) not to be gay but hugging her is literally enough to recharge all my energy ! she is so comforting i always feel at peace when im with her. i swear i could still feel her scent on me even after i went to class and this is just soooooo <3_<3 aughhhh to watch her little eyelashes now every time i want to
• era p eu ter tratado tanta coisa na terapia nao sei pq meus padroes de pensamento sao assim com a maior naturalidade do mundo . fuck
• my routine is making me feel so tired and i dont even do much. comparing myself to others i might not even do anything but i cant keep up with life i guess
• wish my parents supported my choices so i could at least look for proper help
• i feel like im too much and not enough at the same time
• i may have a rejection problem lol i need to learn to talk about my emotions but how could i when i dont even care about myself. why do i feel so worthless and unlovable. anyway thats between a therapist and me. i think i should really work on my mental health. im too unstable and i shouldn't drag people i care about into this
• an old friend unfollowing me on twitter might have affected me more than i thought !! every time she appears on my timeline (i dont have the courage to unfollow back bc it would mean i would end one more thing) i keep thinking that i really might be too much. that everyone gets tired of me eventually. there really might be something wrong with me, something so unlikable about me.
• comecei estagio e acho melhor deixar pra falar disso so no memorial q o prof mandou a gente fazer. muitas opinioes e ainda mais cansaços . compilation da juliette falando eu to cansada
• cheguei em casa depois de ficar mto tempo na rua e nao conseguia relaxar e me sentir no meu proprio corpo e me sentir Aqui no presente
• the more time i spend with other people the more i realize she is my favorite person in the entire world and will always be
• odeio sair de casa parece q sou a unica mais cansada do mundo
• im really happy with her !! it makes me so happy that shes always on my mind !! it makes me so happy to be hers !! i like being in love. she really is my person.
• eu to sentindo q eu to melhorando. isso eh uma loucura pq eu nunca senti isso antes kkkkk. antes da medicaçao todo dia era pior do q o dia anterior LITERALMENTE. eu nunca melhorava. agr eu tenho ctz q desde o mes passado eu to melhor do q eu tava meses atras. eh uma sensaçao esquisita e nova, mas me faz perceber q eu nao preciso passar a vida inteira deteriorando cada vez mais. now i know i will get better eventually, even if it takes me years. now i know its possible.
• some stuff happened that made me question my own sanity, as usual. how can people just pretend nothing happened. how can people cause me such distress for nothing and not even say sorry. literally what was i supposed to do it just made me nervous while i was outside and far from home. i kept shaking and i thought it was that, but then i couldn't stop crying. i thought i wouldn't cry, but i cried for a long time. a girl in the bathroom offered me a hug, i can't remember her face even though i accepted it. i felt so out of it, i couldn't really focus on the class anymore. couldn't even look at my teacher or any classmate. i feel embarrassed. when i went to sleep that day i found out that my mom was sleeping on the living room, i don't know if all night. she was also whispering to herself things i couldn't really hear. i still don't know what happened. on the next day my parents were fighting but that's basically it, i don't think i need to know what happened. this situation was so weird, honestly. no one ever thinks about me on this house. if my mom didn't want to talk about it i would understand, but i would still appreciate if she said she was sorry. like, i literally freaked out on college because of her call and no one said a thing about what happened. she saw she called me and still didn't say anything to me. and i couldn't even say anything because i know my dad would put the fault on her, and i know it's not like that. i know that my dad makes her unstable like that. i already had a feeling he caused it when i heard her screams. but i also know that they are both manipulative people. no one cares about how i would react at all. it was horrifying. it was actually scary. they always think i can handle everything when they themselves don't. my parents are so unhappy that they only care about their own problems. they think i don't have any. and when they mention my problems it's always to put the fault on each other, always to say things like 'you did this to her'. it's like i have no voice, no existence at all. i hate that i have to write these kind of things so i don't forget and feel like i'm insane or overreacting.
• i would thank everything on this world that were responsible to put her in my life. she is a relief in my life. she makes me feel everything good. she makes me see that the world is not all bad. i really think no one would make me happier than she makes me. i love loving her in all those different ways. there could never be anyone else for me. im so thankful shes in my life. i know i have a lot of worries but the moment i think about her i think they're not that big anymore. i look forward to the future now. i can live a good life.
• 24/05: saw her again after a while and i really missed her !!!! she lights up my days so much !! i could kiss her and hug her every day of my life ... shes so fun to be with and she looks so pretty and she is so lovely and soft that i still cant believe i got so lucky. i know that im a little awkward but she never makes me doubt myself. i feel so at peace whenever im near her. i feel so lovesick ...... damn she makes me :) the way we didnt move and just kept hugging even as the minutes passed before we had to go to class... yeah <3 i feel warm
• i think she doesnt realize that she is really sexy sometimes ! like when we were hugging and holding hands and then she pulled my hand to put it on her waist so we could hug again ... emoji corado ! and the way she always softly bites my neck between kisses ... yeah <3
• i can't wait for us to live together. i'm sure i wouldn't want that with anyone else. but when it's her i just can't wait for this future to come. i want to come home to her. i want to share my life if it's with her.
• 31/05 i like her so much ........ i like that we can discover each other's likes. she said she likes when i play with her hair. i liked when she asked me if i liked when she played with my ears (which i did like. its relaxing when she does it). i think i would probably like anything she did to me. i also like when she kisses my neck. i realized im kinda sensitive. i like when she initiates kisses. i like her cute little face when shes expecting a kiss. i like her hugs. but i also really like just being close to her. talking with her. looking at her. im feeling so loved. i hope i can always make her feel loved too. shes the one i want to spend every day with. theres no point if its not her.

june

• sempre que vejo um grupo de pessoas eu penso o quanto tem algo diferente em mim. i thought i was making new friends but i can't seem to care enough to keep the contact. at least i can talk with people more casually now
• stranger things s4. rewatching s1 and s2 !! (and later s3 too)
• i cant stop thinking about her
• assisti our flag means death (acho que terminei 6 de junho)!!! piratas gay tudo de bom ! (reassisti 10 de junho.)
• 07/06 kjhsffjhkdd <3_<3 when i could still feel her scent on me.... <3_<3 .... kissing her <3_<3 shes so lovely. im so fucking in love
• its like now my body is always missing the feeling of her hands all over me. of her lips. im so happy that im loved and wanted by her. i also want her. i also really love her. i think deep down i always knew it was her. im not really good with words so i hope to show my love for her with every action. we were truly meant to find each other in every way. i feel so warm and happy when i think about spending all my life next to her. im fascinated by her. everything she does is so sweet to me. shes so thoughtful and i can feel her affection in every word and action. i love hearing her talk about her interests. i love when she includes me in them. i really love everything about her.
• she made me a playlist back ♥_♥ the songs she chose are so romantic and it's so us....... i love her. i truly love her so much. it feels so good to feel like this. to love and to be loved. to have our own language. o meu melhor amigo é o meu amor
• i remember getting out of therapy and my mom being nearly passed out on the backseat because she took all her meds. idk how i thought therapy would work when i would have to come back to this house. its like i had to deal with my suicidal thoughts and my parents ones too. i will protect my peace. even if that means i wont care for them anymore. i will not spend to rest of my life taking care of their problems. i will not end up like them. i dont care if this makes me a bad ruthless & insensitive person, i dont care if i end up really becoming one. there are so many things i hate about my life but i know i have things to fight for. and i will. i refuse to only have bad days for the rest of my life. i will cherish my good ones harder now. i won't help people who won't accept my help anymore. i wish my mom would seek treatment but i know she won't. and i don't have to deal with that. my parents don't know how to take care of themselves. i won't do it for them.
• 21/06 she is actually so warm. i feel like our bodies were made for each other, because she is so comforting and we fit so well together. our hands together. our bodies as we hug. our kisses. our laughs. sometimes i feel like we become one. im so in love. love love love love love !!! having our own private little place. touching her pretty little face. seeing her so close to me. touching our foreheads together. seeing her so blurry because i can't see well that close, but still thinking she's the most beautiful person ive ever seen. i love when she talks about things i would be too embarrassed to talk about, it's cute and i'm thankful for it, even when it's just a silly joke. i guess we're officialy dating now !! hehe feeling really happy rn to have the best girlfriend in the world !! thank you for making me feel alive. thank you for always making life not only easier but also good. you make life good. i love you.
• 24/06: fiz o teste de covid e deu positivo
• reassisti a s4 de stranger things
• essa casa eh inabitavel ate qnd eu to doente kkkkk q bom q to medicada ha meses pq eh ai q vejo q nao quero mais me matar eu acho. mas eh dificil lembrar disso vivendo nessa casa
• alan majora's mask
• i'm getting anxious whenever i hear people talking low again... or even just any sound that i can't hear that clearly to know what it is. i think this is worse than the screaming, because it means the screaming will come eventually, i just don't know when and it just didn't reach that point yet. i think this is why i always feel unease at home, even when things are well. because there is always this cycle. i think a lot of things trigger me. i get sad whenever i remember we don't really have any glass cups at home anymore, because i remember the reason why. i just want to be able to leave. i keep trying to pretend this doesn't affect me that much but i cried while writing this. i keep trying to understand them, to know that they are doing the best they can, but i just needed so much more than what they can give me. i guess i can't give them that much either. i want to be selfish and only understand myself.

july

• she is the first person that has ever listened to my heart, in the literal way too. this makes me happy. i liked when she told me she could hear my heartbeat. it's hers to listen to. i know now my heart has always been hers. i'm the most at peace when i'm with her.
• i hate that living in this house sometimes makes me think about things like "tomorrow will be a terrible day". i hate that i'm never wrong when i think about things like that. their routine is so predictable. they never change. i hated going to therapy and realizing i talked about my parents so much, because it made me feel ashamed. i didn't want them to have that big of an impact in my life, but i guess it's inevitable. i hate that these days i'm always thinking about a new thing i hate about this situation. these days i'm feeling like i can see a hurricane approaching me but i can't move to escape. i guess i'm feeling uneasy because i can see how unhappy they are, and i know i could never do anything to change that. i know i'm not responsible for their happiness, but it's so hard to think i'm not part of the problem, since i don't remember ever seeing them truly happy. i only remember them trying to pretend, and this somehow feels like it's worse. but the worst thing to me is that i actually don't think they could ever be happy with the life they have. i don't think they will.
  • i hate to say that i was right but i was. it was indeed a terrible day at home. i knew it. terrible vibes ! i felt physically suffocated !
• i get so sentimental whenever i start watching kdramas again. i start thinking so much.
• stranger things vol2
• n consigo parar d pensar nela…. mulher fica 2 semanas sem ver o amor d sua vida e MORRE entenda o caso! i want to kiss her again and again and again and again and again….. i want to give her all the love in the world. i feel so lovable. there’s nothing but love in my heart. i can’t feel anything but love.
• 12/07: ( ˘ ³˘(◡‿◡˶) it was literally a perfect day. i just love her so much. the way she kissed the palms of my hands and carressed my hair was so gentle... it made me feel so loved. she makes me feel pretty. when she went to my class to wait for me like she was so excited to see me... the way she whispered she loved me =( <3 the way she keeps telling me im pretty and that she likes my hair... i cant stop thinking about her face so close to me and her little smiles... it feels like i'm looking at an angel to be honest. shes just so pretty and im completely in love. i feel so at peace whenever im with her. i couldnt stop kissing her ..!! i love when she asks me if she can do something even though i would let her do anything she wanted to me. im feeling soooo romantic !! im feeling so lovable !! literally my love language is physical touch when it comes to her & only her ... i could be that close to her forever. we could be even closer. the progress of our relationship feels so good. i like talking with her so much. i dont really like talking but its different with her. i feel like i can stay silent and it will be okay but i also always speak everything that comes in my mind when im with her. when she asked me why i wore that shirt because it blocked my neck kfhdkjhd <3 shes so cute. when we were on the stairs after lunch and after chatting she came closer and put me closer to her because she said i was too far away dhfjgd <3 i loooove being clingy with her. she treats me so gently. she makes me feel good goosebumps. i like when she touches me. i cant get enough of her. i always want her. i love kissing her. i love being in her arms.
• 23/07: aughhhh im so in love im so thankful to have her in my life this way too. we spend the afternoon together and we were alone today. being alone with her like this makes me want to have our own place so bad . the progress of our relationship makes me feel at ease, because i don't feel rushed. we are discovering things together one at a time, at our own pace. we kissed so much i noticed my lips were red after. god im literally so lovesick. we touched each other in a lot of places today. i could feel her lovely scent all over myself even after she left. she smells so good. ive been imagining a moment like this (us laying down on the bed just looking at each other) since ive realized my feelings. something about looking and being looked at so close makes me comfortable when its her. i could look at her in new ways. i love seeing new sides of her, of us. i feel at peace. she always makes my days better. when it's us it's just us. i can't think about anything else. it feels so good laughing with her about the same silly things. watching things together. she makes me feel a lot of emotions. i feel like kissing her forever. everywhere. being kissed by her honestly feels like a divine experience. i love the way she makes me feel. i love how she embraces me. she treats me with so much love and care. i love how we were literally tangled up because we wanted to be close to each other. i love when we hold hands, i love how her hands explore my body. i love being able to hear her, the way she talks, the way she laughs, the way she breathes when we get even closer and kiss deeper. i hope i can make her feel as good as she makes me feel. i think im still a little clumsy but i think she doesnt mind. i love her. i love her. i love her. hey (with intention of showing u my boobs)
• i think this became a log of the feelings i feel for her. i like that.
• acho q tive uma recaida na saude mental esse mes . eh vdd mesmo q remedio sem terapia para de fazer efeito (im also washing my hands TOO MUCH again. to the point that i get anxious too... and my hands and wrists are hurting again)
• i hate my birthdays so much because its such an overwhelming day. i feel pressured to do something even though i don't want to do anything. but i also don't feel like staying home, because i wish i could just chill and it's impossible to do that here. i think im feeling terrible because i know august is near lol i feel so unlovable whenever i start thinking about it. it makes me think about all the people i let go away because i don't really care to put the effort to a lot of relationships. i know i'm not really a good person and that i'm really selfish, so i guess it's on me anyway. i should stop thinking about that one friend who unfollowed me lol i know it's stupid but it really hurt me because she was one of the few people i thought genuinely liked me. honestly i think i don't even care anymore that people tend to not like me idk why this makes me so sad (probably because i realize all the flaws i have). i'm still living inside my head.
• but even though i'm feeling a lot of negative emotions these days i think it will be okay. it's also part of the process to feel this way eventually. it's human. i think it's good because it also reminds me that i should take care of myself when i've been neglecting that (i will probably keep neglecting myself because i won't go back to therapy lol). but i know what kind of life i want to live now, i'm just not there yet. but it's possible and i will have peace. i'm ok. it's ok. i'm glad i'm figuring out who i am. i'm glad i have someone on my side. i will try to be more positive now. i will try to feel more human. to feel okay in my skin.
• living with my parents is HELL on earth. HELL HELL HELL
• (x)
• tive a primeira crise d ansiedade depois de ter começado a medicaçao e acho q foi pq atrasei o horario q tomo pq esqueci (e eu ja vinha me sentindo ansiosa ha dias). i couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was going to explode. i kept shaking and i felt sooo dizzy. thought i was going to pass out but i never do. i took my medication and felt super sleepy after probably because my body relaxed too fast and i was already feeling tired since i woke up.

august

• 10/08 it was my best birthday in years. i actually felt glad i was alive and that i could have a special day like this with her on my side. only being able to see her was enough to make my day perfect. i always get so anxious on my birthdays but i felt so comfortable today.. she's really my comfort person too. i loved how close she sat next to me on the car. and restaurants have never been that comfortable before. it was so nice, even when the ppl working there sang happy birthday to me i didn't feel that uncomfortable, although it was a little embarrassing, but it was ok. i was happy. having her as my girlfriend is so nice. being able to talk about anything with her is so nice. hearing what she says is so nice. i had fun !! i feel like i'm young for the first time in my life actually. it's so nice to be young and completely in love !!!! it's so sweet when we hold hands while kissing and when we look at each other after kissing for a long time :-( <3 i could look at her forever. i keep reliving this day on my mind, and the ways she looked at me. i can still feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine. honestly, i want her so much. i could never kiss anyone else again. i only want her for the rest of my life. i love feeling her touches. the way she touched my neck makes me so fhkjhdf whenever i think about it. i think i even felt a little dizzy and my head was spinning because i like her so much. shes so cool and attractive. and i love her. i love how gentle our love is. ela eh meu amor !!
• can't stop thinking about her... <3_<3 and every time she appears on my mind i think about how much i love her. i keep wanting to say that i love her. eu te amo tanto.
• exame de sangue (deficiencia de vitamina d / comecei a tomar um solzinho quando levanto)
• STARDEW VALLEY !!!!!!!!!! explorando sumeru !!!!! fazendo tudo menos o que eu devia ta fazendo e nao ligo!
• percebi q a medicaçao aquietou as vozes da minha cabeça o vazio da sertralina eh real msmmm e mil vezes melhor q o vazio pre medicaçao (talvez eu so esteja sedada e to ok com isso)
• sodadi do meu amor da minha namorada da minha vida da minha esposa da minha paixao
• 4a dose da vacina aparentemente sem reaçao nenhuma! (edit: foi mt fake isso no dia seguinte me pegou...)

september

• 08/09 shes so dreamy <3_<3 i really missed her and i missed feeling her too. i really wanted to hug her. hugging her is literally the most comforting thing in the world !! it's like our bodies are perfectly aligned (they are!). today was a really nice day. seeing her makes me so happy !! i am addicted to her, to hugging her, to kissing her. loving her is the best thing that has ever happened to me and to have her love me back is simply a blessing. life is so good with her. sometimes i still can't believe i got so lucky but i also know we both deserve this kind of love. i'm all hers. she is so beautiful and funny and smart and charming and elegant.. every time i see her it's so hard to let go! i could be in her embrace forever! i just feel so at peace with her. i woke up and i was already smiling with just the thought of seeing her today. i used to think i didn't like when people touched my hair but i love it so much when she does it... it really is all about trust. i feel so loved whenever she attacks me with kisses <3 i could attack her with my kisses every day too.. ataque d beijos.. shes so cute.. also the way she took my mask off to kiss me when we were saying goodbye was soooooo cute :-( i'm literally so in love with her. i love her i love her i love her i love her i love her
• im feeling soooo sleepy these days. teve uns 3 dias q simplesmente nao consegui ACORDAR e os proximos dias q consegui acordar eu cai no sono 2h depois sem praticamente ter chegado a levantar
• & i can't stop washing my hands. again
• i feel the need to express myself creatively !!! i think this will help me understand myself better and be more confident on the person i'm becoming. idk i think it will make me more of a person, like it will make me sure of my individuality
• 22/09 she said i was pretty as soon as she laid her eyes on me :-( she was so pretty too, as always. she told me i was warm while i was thinking the same about her. it's always so comforting to hug her. i can't wait for a time when we don't have to say goodbye, and can keep hugging for hours long. i could melt on her. i love that she feels the same way i do, i also really wanted to be alone with her. shes such a tease.... its so attractive.... i love that we keep finding places to call our own little places. when i'm with her it's like there's only us in the world. i love talking to her and i love kissing her. i wish i didn't have had that pão de queijo so i could kiss her sooner !!! i love her smell (saying this for the 138th time). everything about her comforts me. i love that every time we see each other we keep saying that we missed each other. even if it has been only a week since we last saw each other, i will still say that i missed her. because it's true. we could live together and i would still say that i missed her whenever i come home. i didn't expect to be so clingy. but i like her too much. i'm glad i can share myself with her. she tried to teach me how to play cookie run ovenbreak but i suck at it. it's always fun doing things with her. it's so hard saying goodbyeeee i'm glad we met again to catch the bus back home so i could hear her voice for a few more time.

october

• 04/10 i feel calm when i'm with her. i love when we are silly together. hearing her laugh and her voice makes me feel real. i love that she finds comfort in me. i love when she rests her head on my shoulder.. when she holds my hand.. !! she gave me her old colored pencils today :-( this is such a simple thing but it means sooooo much to me. it's the start of me finally expressing myself and of course she would be there helping me. tuesdays are always terrible but not when i'm with her !! she saves all my days. everyday i'm thankful for this gentle love.
• i've been feeling a weird pain when i wake up and walk that i don't know exactly how to describe and also don't know exactly where in my body i feel it. it goes away eventually but it's still weird that i wake up feeling this a lot these days. i have to become healthier
• PARAMORE ON THE BRAIN !!!! (fui pra fila da bilheteria 6 da manha pra comprar o ingresso)
• queria estar todos os gatinhos se abraçando com a minha namorada neste exato momento !!! i want to hug her and kiss her pretty little face !!! want to feel her warmth !!!
• sempre me sinto como se as pessoas tivessem fazendo um favor de falar comigo (e provavel q estejam msm do jeito q sou awkward) . q dificil nunca me sentir em pe de igualdade com quem n conheço direito e ai isso me tira a chance de d fato conhecer e fazer amigos! umas queridas na facu me incluindo numa conversa casualmente e eu me sentindo o cafe com leite da interaçao !! im tired of feeling perpetually like this (x) no matter what i do !!!!
• 16. minha vo me deu um cordao que meu vo deu pra ela. falou que era pra eu lembrar deles. lembrei que o aniversario do meu vo eh 7 de novembro.
• 18/10 we went to uni to see a movie that didn't happen and althought i felt bad for making her go all the way there for nothing i thought it was so nice that we could spend the time together in a place that felt comfortable enough. we talked a lot and that feels so nice !! whenever i talk i feel like my brain lags a bit and that i have to think for a long time before i say something and that my brain takes a while to connect my thoughts so i think she makes me practice talking, because i always have something to say to her. this feels special to me. to have someone listen to what i have to say even if it takes me a while and even if it's something so dumb. i love hugging her whenever we're standing for a while in random places. someone saw us together and it was embarrassing but it was also cute when we laughed about it. and then we kissed a lot !!!! i really missed kissing her !! all my desires involve you !! (every time i make a girl blush i get a temporary stat buff that allows me to open one email without taking damage) !! thank you for spending time with me. you always make me feel like i'm floating with love. i feel so much love for you and i hope i can always make that clear. i'm glad to have you in my past and present and i'm really looking forward to having a future with you. you were always my family.
• fui pro centro com meu amor ! love language vamo ali no centro cmg resolver coisas e tomar um sorvetinho ! i love doing everything with you even the normal stuff. in THIS life i want to do laundry and taxes with you! como eh bom t ver e sentir seu cheirinhoooo

november

• 7/11 I SAW MITSKI !!!!! i can't believe it !!!! i made a simple make up and my mom and grandma thought it was endearing. i felt cute and i felt like myself. i feel like i'm starting to become confident in expressing myself at least in a fashion point of view (i still have a long road to become confident about my personality). i met a mutual from twitter and it was a pleasant experience (i didn't feel so awkward like i thought i was going to feel), and it was nice, in general, to wait in line, the people were cool and not annoying. the opening show was cool. i talked to my girlfriend even DURING the opening show. it felt like she was with me. and i was so happy to share those moments with her after the show ended (this is a log about mitski and i could still make this about my girlfriend!). and when mitski showed up i thought i was seriously going to pass out (quite literally. i had to stop and breathe for a while because i was getting light headed from exhaustion and when i tried to sing the first song my voice simply wouldn't come out because my throat started to hurt) and after the show my body ached all over. but all of it was WORTH IT !!!! what an experience. the show was amazing and mitski is so sweet. i was having so much fun i thought i wasn't going to cry after all, but then she started speaking with us and i broke down. to have her acknowledge my existence with all those people was amazing. being a part of that was amazing. she was happy with the crowd singing all of her songs and she looked so grateful for us. i hope we could make her feel how important she is to us, to me. this makes me want to see a lot of shows but i don't have that many artists i care about to see live. i know and love every song of mitski so it was really a special moment. i would do it all again. it's such a quick moment but i felt so much joy jumping and singing like that. one moment it looked like she looked directly at me, bc i could really look at her eyes, and i couldn't even scream, just kept singing quietly while in awe. when she sang "there's nobody better than you" and pointed to the crowd :(( mitski theres nobody better than YOU !! i'm grateful for today. even if i can't remember the whole day i know i will remember how i felt. (because i saw her i wasn't that bitter that i didn't go to primavera sound. but i feel like i want to have the festival experience too, some day. i forgot how being at a show felt like). also, i sang heat lightning almost all by myself. yeah this is my song now oficially.
• 16/11 positivei pra covid de novo .
• algumas opinioes sobre meu estado na faculdade mas vou deixar elas pra mim . bom q a medicaçao deixa minha cabeça com 0 pensamentos
• i can't stop washing my hands
• 29/11 eu te amo te amo te amo te amoooo eu amo sua companhia meu amor !!! i missed you a lot !! i missed feeling your touches !!

december

• i know we say we love each other almost every day but when she tells me she loves me out of nowhere its just so <3 thank you for making me feel so loved !!!! i'm my happiest with you
• still can't stop washing my hands i guess
• 16/12: today was such a lovely day. i don't even know where to begin. my girlfriend came to my house so we could craft a journaling book together and it was so nice to make things with her. i'm 100% sure i would never have the energy to do it alone and it was nice of her to help me. also we shared a special moment (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄. she is so beautiful and also sooo hot and attractive the memories keep replaying on my mind !! i'm so thankful for sharing this with her. it's special because it's with her. i always thought it would be a little scary but i feel so comfortable and safe when i'm with her and that's why everything feels so natural. i felt so at ease and it felt so good and i can only hope i made her feel as good as i felt. i want to keep loving her in every way !!! i want to live with her.. the calm moment we shared after felt so special. it was special. just holding her hand and kissing her gently and being near her. she makes me feel safe, secure, confident. also the way she laid down on my chest and we simply stayed there sharing this quiet moment for a while =( it felt so relaxing and it felt like we were the only ones in this world. i will gladly give you all my firsts, you are my first love after all !!!! i love you !!! every day i fall in love with you more !!! (ꈍᴗꈍ)♡
• everything always goes wrong at the same time whenever this house starts feeling like hell on earth