• 01/01. me senti tão amada pela minha vó hojeeee
• ainda to lavando mto as maos
• to me empenhando mais academicamente pela necessidade de me formar LOGO. pegando todas as oportunidades q aparecerem na minha frente se isso significar eu me formar esse ano
• eu fico meio gatilhada sempre que tenho que sair com meus pais principalmente se for pra comemorar algo pq eu sempre fico esperando alguma coisa dar errado. o niver da minha mae começou um pouco assim mas depois acabou tudo bem, ate me surpreendi positivamente. mas bastou so 2 dias p eu lembrar onde eu moro kk eu n sei nem se eu quero entrar em detalhes pq eh algo q eu ja vivi tantas vezes q nao consigo nem mais ter reaçao. eu so to cansada. sempre começa com meu pai sendo uma pessoa sem qualquer manejo emocional e social e minha mae acabando em um surto cada vez mais assustador e depois agindo como se nada tivesse acontecido. essa vivencia me fez tao mal ao longo da vida q agora eu so quero esquecer isso. enfim dia horrivel ate o fim
• eu sinto q nao tenho mais tanta coisa pra escrever aqui agr q to medicada e consigo organizar meus pensamentos melhor mas ainda acho importante continuar essa lista pra eventuais pensamentos (positivos ou negativos). e os negativos eu nao me sinto confortavel de escrever no meu diario fisico pq eles geralmente sao causados por fatores externos e eu quero focar 100% em mim no meu caderninho e nao quero me prender so aos meus traumas e diagnosticos ali. its supposed to be a safe space.

• foquei na pesquisa pro tcc
• assisti muitos filmes (inclusive fiquei 1 semana 24h por dia na mubi!)
• eu tenho lavado mt as maos e sinto q isso tem piorado um pouco.. as vzs qualquer coisa q eu encoste me deixa nervosa
• ?

• assisti um filme que despertou alguma coisa em mim e eu chorei mt ate quando o filme nao pedia isso. eu nem sei exatamente o que me fez chorar tanto, nao consegui pensar em nada. sempre q eu choro eu fico mt emotiva e pensando em coisas. acho q isso eh saudavel tb mas tb to achando minha jornada de pensar menos nas coisas saudavel. eu nao preciso pensar e analisar tudo ta tudo bem so existir um dia de cada vez. acho que to com preguiça de pensar em coisas e to focando nas coisas q tenho q fazer pra terminar a faculdade entao eh normal eu nao passar o tempo q eu passava analisando todos os meus pensamentos. tb percebi q tenho mta dificuldade em manter o meu diario mas as vezes eu sinto vontade de escrever em horarios inoportunos (por ex. de madrugada qnd ja to deitada) e deixo passar e quando acordo nao sinto mais vontade de escrever pq o momento passou. acho q eu tinha q ter o habito de pegar o diario assim que surgisse um pensamento que eu gostaria de anotar. mas isso envolve taaantas questoes que eu morro de preguiça.
• i was touching my own hands and then i realized how similar they are to my grandma's hands. it felt like i was touching her hands and i found so much comfort in that thought. i felt warm. felt love.

• 9/3: paramore show. aaaaa i dont even know what to say it just felt so magical. met some cool people and had a good and comfortable time waiting on the line. when the security let us in i just felt something so specific like a feeling you can only feel at shows, apenas uma vibe indescritivel .... i felt like it was really happening and i was so excited and happy !!! i truly felt joy !!! the show was amazing as usual and i knew paramore would always deliver my favorite show EVER. as usual i felt a little like passing out at the start of the show even if i was feeling like i was on top condition earlier, i guess i just always feel a little nervous when i see that it really is happening right in front of me. so i had to stop and breathe a little at some times but otherwise i had so much FUN !!!!! i danced and screamed and jumped so much !!!! it was super hot though, the space that held the show didnt have a good functioning air conditioner so i sweated a lot. i didnt even cry for the first time ever on a show. i guess i sweated all the water in my body lol or i was just so so so so happy. it was a really special time. the band is so cute elke was also so cute and i could feel how happy they were meeting us again and feeling the crowd's warmth and i could also see they were impressed with how much we sang along. hayley laughed a lot and talked to us for a long time. i think she was in a silly goofy mood because she kept laughing so much with us. it was just a super sweet time and i don't think i could describe it. it felt like love. it felt like happiness !! i couldn't even record it that much because i was sweating a lot and couldn't hold my phone properly but that was for the best because i could really enjoy my experience there. i only recorded my favorite songs so i could remember it forever. i just had soooo much fun i think i was forgetting a little how much i loved paramore and now i will always remember this feeling of seeing them live again. no other band could ever compare. (e mais: rio de janeiro foi superior tchauuuuuu o inicio com you first ja barbarizou tudo!)
  • my favorite songs live were: 1. you first (perfect opening song !!!! so good !!!) / 2. rose-colored boy (i thought this one could be replaced but it was soooooo fun hearing it live it was the most fun song of the show) / 3. all i wanted (i still can't believe i experienced this) / 4. caught in the middle (yesssss !!!!! my fave from after laughter !!!!) / 5. pool (i don't even have to mention it. this song is perfect) / 6. (one of) those crazy girls (best song from the self-titled) / 7. i caught myself (i simply love this song so much) / 8. hard times (FUN!!!!!) / 9. running out of time (perfect song to hear live) / 10. c'est comme ça (i'm surprised for this one. it was my least favorite on the album but it was so fun at the show because of the interactions hayley had with us. she tried to make us stand still but then we didn't want to so she made us spend the entire song with our arms up and my arms hurt so much but it was so fucking funny. the way she screamed "i can smell you from here" pleaseeeeeee)

• resolvendo coisas do estágio essa semana. estresse e desespero
• to fazendo crocheeeeee achei fofo o quanto minha mae me apoia em qlq coisa q eu queira começar.. ela comprou o material pra mim no mesmo dia q eu disse q queria aprender :-( sei q nem eh tao caro assim mas sabendo da situaçao financeira aqui de casa eu fiquei emocionada com ela fazendo minhas vontades msm nao sendo nenhuma novidade. tb me senti um pouco culpada dps disso mas vou retribuir cultivando esse hobby ao maximo! im really making something with my own hands !!
• 04/04: saw my girlfriend today after a long time !!!! how i missed her how i missed her embraces her kisses her soft voice her laugh !!!! i feel so loved whenever i'm with her <3 <3 <3 i love how i can talk about anything when im with her and my thoughts just come out naturally !! i love how we get to know each other more every time we meet. i love how every second i spend with her is soooo calm and relaxing. i loved when she quietly pulled me to the corridor so we could hug and kiss again before going to the bus stop... <3_<3 i feel so lovesick !!! i feel so in love !!!! como amo trocar carinhos com meu amorrrrr
• 13/04: eh tao bom ver meu amor. it still amazes me how relaxed she makes me feel. we didn't even spend a long time together but the minutes we spent together literally made me face the whole day with strenght. i didn't even mind that i had to go to my internship straight after my classes. i literally had lunch on the bus and i was just vibing. and i felt so tired when i got home but i kept thinking that at least i saw her. we are living, laughing, kissing, hugging despite it all. i love seeing her soooooo close. i love touching our faces. it still amazes me how beautiful she is. and how can she have such a wonderful scent !! that is so specific of her !!! como pode ser a mais linda e cheirosa e perfeita do mundo so uma mulher com lua em libra pra conseguir tal feito
• meio que to animada pra começar a corrigir as redações. mesmo que isso signifique que eu tenho que ficar parada lendo pdf de cartilha de redação do enem por uns 3 dias
• ja tem uns 4 dias seguidos que eu nao consigo dormir por algum motivo (acho q o motivo era sintomas pre menstruais)

• i should really look into my obssessive-compulsive behavior bc i still have anxiety attacks because of any thoughts of contaminations of any sort...... i couldn't breathe and got dizzy only bc of the thought about the possibility of rabies
• decidi juntar todos os pensamentos e nao separar mais por mes pq sao raros os momentos em q eu penso algo sobre mim & meus sentimentos recentemente. e nao eh nem por mal i've been doing fine. tive uns momentos de muita ansiedade mas nada fora do normal e o motivo era apenas a faculdade (entao era o esperado). eu acho que to bem mesmo na maior parte do tempo (e na menor parte eu posso vir aqui me organizar!)
• as vezes eu me sinto uma pessoa tao detestavel e eu sei que mtas dessas minhas caracteristicas negativas simplesmente nao existiriam se eu tivesse dinheiro kkkkkkk eu sei que sou uma pessoa mtoooo egoista com minhas coisas mas eh sempre pelo medo de nao conseguir repor as coisas se elas acabarem/estragarem. e eu odeio discutir com a minha mae e mostrar esses piores lados da minha personalidade pq parece q ela faz questao de demonstrar o quanto eu consigo ser detestavel. eu sou a maior critica de mim mesma e meio que nao preciso desse incentivo externo sabe kkkk aaaaaa
• i loved you then and i love you now. and if you'll have me, i'll love you until my last breath. you're the love of my life, but you're my best friend too. i like you as much as i love you. i could have a million lifetimes with you and it still wouldn't be enough.
• /06. i think i'm close to a depressive episode if i'm not in one already. getting up has been getting harder. but i'm glad i know how to realize the signs. i'm getting good at just letting myself feel things and recognizing this is something that will probably be with me forever. i'm just glad i'm able to handle this better now. i don't really feel suicidal anymore and i actually have the motivation to just work this out :-) girl let's live !!
• acho que to ficando mais em paz comigo mesma pq ja tem uns dias que ando pensando o quanto amo minha mae.. sera que to superando algumas coisas veremos
• ser a filha q nunca deu trabalho eh facilmente a causa de 80% dos meus problemas. god im so repressed. odeio ser compreensiva por obrigaçao pq sempre foi minha unica opçao
• 1107 today was a nice day! my last class ever on college and the teacher organized a sort of picnic for us, so we ate a lot. i also felt comfortable with my class colleagues and i don't think that had ever happened before (i always felt like a misplaced object that shouldn't really be there). i feel like the people i met in this class could have been my friends if i had met then sooner in uni. it's nice that i can talk with people more comfortably now. and i was glad i had this class and met these people. my teacher was also super nice i'm glad i picked her class. i feel like i should start having the habit of saying people's names instead of just saying "my friend", "this person i know"... so i don't forget them. my teacher's name is violeta (i should at least remember her even if i don't remember the names of most teachers i had). i was glad i met arielli ana carolina marlon and lilian. it was nice having people to talk to in a class where i didn't know anyone before !!
• this is a crying month i guess. feeling the urge to cry often. maybe it's the whole 1 month till my birthday vibe in the air.
• i suspect i need to drink more water because i have been feeling dizzy and out of breath doing simple stuff. i also have been feeling soooo sleepy after waking up so i suspect i might have to sunbathe more often... girl i need my vitamins!

• i felt too lazy to update this list
• eu nao consigo reagir a nenhuma emoçao negativa q meus pais sentem depois de ter sempre convivido com eles nao ligando pras minhas proprias emoçoes negativas e nao me levando a serio. eu me sinto mto fria com isso mas eu consigo conviver com isso agora... meio q simplesmente essa foi a barreira q eu construi anos atras pra conseguir sobreviver nessa casa. eh triste e nao eh a situaçao q eu queria estar mas eh isso... aqui sempre foi cada um por si. eu realmente nao consigo reagir.
• things have been calm for a while in my house. i think it was the longest time things have been quite well emotionally (i guess it's because things are so bad financially that my parents don't really have the energy to argue about stupid things). when things got calm in the past i always had this lingering anxiety because i knew it wouldn't last forever, and it never did. but this time i thought for the first time things could actually stay fine (and of course i was wrong). i really need my own space & my own life !! i need to feel safe !!
• idk if my vitamin d levels are finally higher now but i feel like i have been getting more sunlight lately bc of going to uni
• these days i have been thinking a lot that i might actually be a lesbian. getting close to revoking my bisexuality card
• i have also been feeling a weird headache. sometimes my head just hurts so much i get a little dizzy. i think its because it too hot and im not drinking enough water. lets hope its just that.
• 23/09 saw my girlfriend after a while and it was so nice seeing her :-( feeling her perfect scent :-( I MISSED HERRRRR I MISS MY WIFE
• tenho q fazer um exame de alergia urgente to sentindo q tem algum ingrediente no chocolate q ta me fazendo passar mal mas to ignorando essa realidade! <3 yay
• minha mae as vezes eh tao gratuitamente ignorante e agressiva comigo. eu sei o jeito dela mas as vezes eh algo tao gratuito que eu fico ate assustada e sem reaçao. nesses momentos eu percebo q esse nao eh um ambiente q eu quero perpetuar. e tb nao quero mto menos perpetuar a ranzindez e descrença do meu pai. eu hj tenho 24 anos e ainda me sinto a mesma criança assustada que cresceu em um ambiente disfuncional quando essas coisas acontecem. como se eu nao pudesse expressar qlq emoçao alem do q esperam de mim. como se meus problemas fossem mais um desconforto pra eles do q eh pra mim.
• /10. my tummy has been weird for like a week now. idk why
• 20-22/10 i went to a family trip on arraial do cabo. it was a beautiful place with a good vibe so it was kind of relaxing. i enjoyed it even though i still feel like i'm not that fun to be around. i felt some complicated emotions too (i even cried before i went to sleep on the first night) but it all ended mostly well. i don't feel like talking about those complicated emotions i felt. i will focus on the good stuff and considering my family's problems i thought it would be a lot worse. ate good food and saw a beautiful place. i think i missed the sea a lot more than i thought. feeling the sea breeze was so good.
• 22/10 cheguei de viagem e vi meu amor e senti mais paz do que em todos os dias q estive viajando!!! ela eh realmente meu lugar seguro !!!! i really love her company and everything about her... my love my love my love!!!!!!!!!!!! i really missed being alone with her and being able to kiss her and feeling her smell and hearing her laugh and watching her and having her hands in mine... she felt so warm when i hugged her. it was so comforting. a perfect afternoon indeed. i want to spend all my days with her alreadyyyyyyyyyy
• meu olho ta tremilicando deve ter 1 semana ja rindo mto q ainda sinto sintomas de final de periodo nessa altura do campeonato
• 26/11: a jujuzinha deixou a gente de madrugada. o curioso eh que a caminha nova dela chegou de manhã no dia. pelo menos ela conseguiu aproveitar. obrigada pela companhia.
• 28/11: fiz a prova pra especializaçao de traduçao da uerj. foi uma prova escrita com questoes sobre o trabalho tradutorio. acho que fui bem.
• nunca fiz tanta coisa quanto fiz em novembro desse ano. nem mesmo no total da minha graduaçao inteira. que odio que eu tive 6 anos e to tendo que fazer speedrun de final de graduaçao em 1 mes pq sou idiota
• uma prima da minha mae que eu nao tive muito contato mas sempre simpatizei pelo jeito q ela trata a minha mae disse que se encantou pelo jeito que eu tratei ela em um momento dificil. disse que sentiu que eu tratei ela com carinho. isso me deixa mt feliz pq me faz perceber que eu posso sim mudar e conseguir ser a pessoa que eu quero ser. eu nao preciso ser uma pessoa ruim.
• todo final de ano começam a acontecer varias coisas ruins ao mesmo tempo eh sempre assimmmm dezembro mes amaldiçoado. a televisao da sala ja ta quebrada ha mais de um ano ai chegou dezembro a televisao do quarto dos meus pais queimou. dias depois a fiaçao eletrica da cozinha deu curto. agora a fiaçao da casa inteira deu curto pq um fio do poste soltou. fora os diversos conflitos familiares que sao sempre comuns dessa epoca do ano. como se ja nao bastasse os sintomas de depressao que sempre sinto com a chegada de alguma data comemorativa. aquele sentimento da nevoa de silent hill. dezembro eh sempre muito dificil.