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- ”I have always known that I would die for love. I think I am dying while or because of waiting for it. I cannot bear how it feels like a surging throng of beats and yells and gasps inside of my small form. I have wondered on many occasions if any confidence I have is just a weird side effect of foolishness and I live under the weight of so much embarrassment, I’m surprised the top of my head isn’t flat.”
- “I’m stuck here in a cycle and I am getting older but I am not growing up and my heart is getting soft dark spots on it like a fruit that has gone bad or is soft because too many hands have squeezed it but then put it back down not because I am not ready but because they were not ready for my type of fruity flesh. I felt so ripe and sweet—what was off? The truth is, I was forcing myself into people’s mouths. I jumped out of their hands and into their mouths and I yelled EAT ME way before they even had a chance to get hungry and notice me and lift me up.”
- “Without a person to love, I am too full of what must be let out.”
- “Life has been so discouraging that I have forgotten why and how to fantasize, and I feel weak.”
- “But what am I supposed to do with all of the parts of my heart that are only there to be given? What am I supposed to do with all of this nothing that I see? Those parts of the heart, they really aren’t for me, they are not for my home or my body or my self-love. They are for you, and wherever you are, you are too unknown to be in my daydream.”
- “When my beliefs float my spirit on the sea, I imagine the depths beneath me and all of the options for life in there. I can feel, with relief, the wideness of the sea. I can remember that things from faraway locations wash up right on your private wedge of sand and present themselves as yours right away. But I have had my heart broken once again, and I am exhausted, and I have forgotten that I can still give to myself. And so I sit here with waves crashing and repeating, and all I can do is wait and hope that eventually my sea will cough up some shell with a shape like a swirl of sound and I will look anew and I will listen better.”
- “I’m beginning to suspect that I swallowed a rollercoaster and it is lodged between my heart and my stuff. Am I too big or too small or too much or too little?”
- “I was born as sweet as that and if I am too sweet for your tastes then just clamp your mouth shut and spin on your heels. I can’t add sourness to my sap anymore just to fit onto a menu in a restaurant for wimps.”
- “Get me to a better place so that I can see more and also be spotted by the kind of people who turn their faces up to the light. Put me in between them and the cosmos, let me be one final stop before the major everything.”
- “If I could remember anything, I would remember my belief that my extra love could just be used on myself.”
- “I am supposed to be touched. I can’t wait to find the person who will come into the kitchen just to smell my neck and get behind me and hug me and breathe me in and make me turn around and make me kiss his face and put my hands in his hair even with my soapy dishwater drips. I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?”
- “All day I do my loving, and all of my feelings are colors and they are shapes and they are shapes of colors, when you get really deep into my experience.”
- “My physical heart feels so exposed, so shallowly planted. It feels like it is in my mouth. I can’t tell if I’m spitting it out or swallowing it. I can’t tell if I’m going to chomp it to bits just by trying to be here. My physical heart seems to be blasting light out of my mouth but also down into my body. I fear that when the light is shining directly out of my face that nobody will want to or even be able to look at me.”
- “I am so delicate, so delicate that I am the one the ghosts know not to spook.”
- “I have my whole stem and this is what I am and what it is. I am the tender stem. Who is the sun who will return every day just to make sure I open up, and who will give me my own dark evening to close and just be within?”
- “When people get a glimpse of me I’d like them to feel like it is a good omen.”
- “As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.”
- “I sit here and I turn around to face the air coming through the window, and the air is so warm that I take it as a sign that it is all right to be alive as I am, just as I am, and to keep trying.”
- “I see it. I know it. That nature makes art and I am a creation and I make things. This is an expansive fact that I could never measure, and it calms me.”
- “Everything is art and nature and so are you.”
- “Well, I am so sensitive and I am very fragile but so is everything else, and living with a dangerous amount of sensitivity is sort of what I have to do sometimes, and it is so very much better than living with no gusto at all. And I’d rather live with a tender heart, because that is the key to feeling the beat of all of the other hearts.”
- “I let myself stop holding everything so tightly, I let it all fall away and I feel the warmth of the sunbeams at this time of day and I feel deep pride and spiritual fortification in the fact, not even the idea, but the fact that the light shines on me just as it does on the leaves and that even though I came here to try to do the art that I want and I want to be seen and held safe by my world, truly, in my primary wish for experience, I am asking for nothing more than a kinship with the atmosphere.”
- “It was not necessarily a choice at the outset, but now it is certainly a point of pride that I functionally dwell in realms that I was once afraid of. The darks and the in-betweens. They all fortify me. I am a citizen of many dimensions, and now I slip between them easily. I never slip away from myself by simplifying myself. I can’t become smaller to fit into a crouching love in somebody else’s meager world. I don’t do that anymore. I have calmed down. I have consolidated. I have come through the reckoning that I required.”
- “There is a time of the day when there is no light, did you know that? I never let myself know that before, but now I know it and I face the day when it is still dark. I face the darkness with the faith in the light, without any rush. I shift and slide with the time as it flows forward.”
- “I look up to you because I love the heavenly bodies of the universe, and the way I see it, your heart is a planet. Your heart is factually a part of the universe, which is a miracle of endless force and boundless beauty. There is literally no way that you are not part of that. Despair can force you to turn your eyes away from this fact, but it is the real truth and it will be waiting to be with you when you are free enough to turn back to it. Your heart is a planet. I can see that you are from the sky.”
mar 10 2020 ∞
may 4 2020 +
may 4 2020 +