› 01/11/2021 boy oh boy when michelle sings "i want to be good / i want to navigate this hate in my heart / somewhere better / i want to feel it / but with the feel, there is an ache i meet / to desire living" my heart breaks in two, every single time. i cannot bear another second of feeling hate and rage and sorrow and the ugly feelings. i don't like how they take over me, like i'm not myself and belong to some sort of entity that does nothing but suck the life out of me. i wish there was something i could do about it, but every time i have a ugly feeling i can't even see straight. i'm not myself when it happens... michelle says "it's about the way those of us who are predisposed to darker thoughts have to sometimes physically wrestle with our minds to feel joy."

to desire living tá ecoando na minha cabeça o dia todinho. i thought i'd lost myself in the middle of the mess i made, but i didn't. i'm still here !!! my niece came over today and all i could see was my mother's eyes glistening and my dad laughing with her... but here's the thing, they were thinking of me. i could tell. "you were a lot louder than her" or "she looks exactly like you, it's crazy!" or even "now i know who she got that from" etc... watching my mom be a mom to someone else is something that brings me so much joy. some people were not born to be mothers, that's very much true, but my mom... she was already my mother from the day she was born.

me and ana, we watched kiki's delivery service tonight. i'm glad she liked it and i realized i like it even more now. showing people (but people who are dear to me) the shit i like will always be important to me. i guess kiki grew up and found herself in the midst of all that chaos :')

i was looking at my hands (today i'm thinking about my hands...) and thinking how weird it is that they were tiny just a minute ago. and how much they've grown, what and whom they've held, the colors i painted my nails, that one time my neighbor put a hot iron on my left hand, how many times they've been washed and how many times i've studied with them!!! i think it's bizarre how we never stop growing for as long as we live.

› 02/11/2021 sometimes i'll just say things. and those things might hurt people. sometimes i'll apologize and most people will accept my apologies. it still doesn't make it okay for me to be a bitch about everything. i'm alone because i want to be alone. i've been not alone before, it wasn't impossible to find someone and be with them. i don't think i'll ever be ready to be someone else's.

i went to visit my grandmother's grave this morning. i knew it would be hard, i just didn't know it would be so ... weird. i felt so out of place there. she's been Dead for 7 years now. but why does it feel like it never happened? am i still in denial? it can't be. i told my mom i would like to be cremated and then have someone plant a tree with my ashes mixed with the dirt. i'd like to go that way. i felt my dad close to me, like he was almost reaching out when he saw me almost crying. he didn't. it's okay, i would crumble into tiny pieces if he had. something about noticing people's behavior and then having them notice yours... it's freaky!!!

today i had such a nice time with my mom... i spent my saturday, my sunday, my monday and my tuesday with her. she makes everything seem so easy, so bright and so, SO sunny. i don't know how she does it but when i hear her laugh it's like the sun's risen all over again in my hort >:( she keeps doing this, making me love her more every single day. one day i'll love her too much i'll have to let her go. i hate thinking about death.

› 03/11/2021 today i took a nap bc i wasn't feeling well, had awful cramps and my head was pounding (bc of the heat as well). when i woke up, i heard my sister making fun of how i look when i sleep, then my mom came to my room and asked me if i was feeling better. i told her i was still in pain, which was a lie. i just wanted attention >:( my dad said he'd go to the pharmacy and get me some more painkillers but i told him not to. but i really wanted them to pay attention to me today. my sister's just ignoring me lately, my mom's been busy as hell and my dad... well... it doesn't matter, he won't pay attention to me ever again.

› 04/11/2021 i realized i have to LISTEN. it's not a matter of choice anymore. if i don't listen to my body and what it needs, i might get sicker. so i decided to listen today. not only to myself, but the world as well. i never knew i could distinguish sabiá species based on their singing? i never knew that mandevilla flower was an exotic species on campus? i never knew the fruit i've been keeping in my bags are actually pau-ferro and not guapuruvu? i never knew i enjoyed my own silence and the mess my brain makes when it's confused. i never knew the trees talked to me. it's nice. what i mean to say is: i took a nap.

› 05/11/2021 spirituality. i realized (through therapy) that i'm deeply connected to nature. and to so much more. my favorite movies, music, tv shows, books, people, big trees, sunlight... everything can become a spiritual experience for me. wow?

hoje falei pra cris "amiga não se preocupa, eu tô bem" e ela disse "ai, eu me preocupo sim, desculpa" e eu nem soube reagir na hora. nunca ouvi isso de ninguém na minha vida todinha. que coisa bonita de falar pra alguém, né? eu me preocupo sim, eu amo você sim, eu cuido de você sim!

› 06/11/2021 foi eu mandar uma msg pra ele "cade tu?" e ver ele sentado mandando áudio no banco em frente ao bloco... parecia que o mundo tava desmoronando, um terremoto dentro do meu coração. this is my fault. i did this. i deserve this. tô me sentindo humilhada, TOTALMENTE REJEITADA, e muito patética. ver a natalia (sim, o nome dela é NATALIA SEM O ACENTO) mandando beijinho pra ele e ainda dirigindo... gente, ela dirigir foi o pior de tudo isso, don't get me wrong kkkkkkkkk. dois dos meus maiores traumas do momento, tudo num mix, pra me derrubar por completo. eu criei tanta coisa na minha cabeça... e agora ele faz questão de me chamar de miga. ficar sozinha com ele foi horrível. NUNCA na vida que eu gostei tanto da companhia da bruna com a gente. e acho que ele contou pra bruna, pq ela não fez UMA piada falando da natalia. é. a humilhação tá FORTE. fiquei tão feliz quando ele disse que vai trocar de lugar com alguém no sábado, e aí eu perguntando que horário fazem dia de semana e ele "vc quer trocar pro dia de semana tbm?" e eu "NO THANK YOU...." pq really, no thank you. tratei todo mundo mal, me afoguei em junk food, chorei de machucar a garganta e doer a cabeça. nem consegui olhar no espelho de tanta pena que eu senti de mim. i am so sorry, this is all my fault :(

› 08/11/2021 hoje eu fui ao lab e quando o carlos tava indo embora a Kazu disse "tchau Carlos, até o futuro" e a risada que a gente deu foi tão nostálgica :( todo santo dia era isso de "até o futuro" e eu sempre achei LINDO. poxa vida que saudade de tudo o que eu já vivi.

› 10/11/21 do nada o douglas (lembra dele? sexta série!!!) me mandou dm perguntando como eu tô e tal que tô sumida etc. a gente conversou um monte, ele é PAI !!! isn't that crazy? o filho dele uma gracinha. e aí do nada ele me conta que era apaixonado por mim naquela época. disse que trocou de colégio até, pq eu "fui atrás do felipe" meu deus. eu não sabia!!!?? muito doido isso.

› 13/11/21 i feel SO stupid when i love people so intensely and they don't even love me back. i end up hurting myself when this happens. i just wish i was a priority. i know I'm my mom's favorite and her priority. but I'm not an only daughter... so my sister is also her favorite and her number one priority as well. it's weird and stupid and dumb and too much to ask but i wish i was something to someone. I'm constantly being side eyed, being talked about in the worst way possible and constantly left behind.

› 14/11/21 i think i found balance in my life. because everything sucks but also... everything doesn't suck. wha the hell is this feeling? that feeling when something goes AWFULLY wrong, you go through it because you know you have no choice, but you come out of it wearing thicker skin and just glad you're okay. you feel better afterwards. what is this. anyways i miss going to therapy xxxxxx

one day, back when i was in middle school, i was probably in fifth grade or something like that, i skipped school to get a haircut. i remember that day so vividly. i went to get my hair cut, my dad brought me home, i was home alone. i remember being bored as hell and wondering what was going on at school!!! so i turned on the tv, matilda was on. it was probably the third time i watched that movie. but everything just felt so right at that moment. nothing could ever take that moment away from me. skipping school to get a haircut and end up watching matilda in the afternoon. some days feel like that. I've had a few wednesdays where it all feels like I'm getting a haircut and watching matilda. it's such a sweet, simple memory i have of my childhood. :')

› 15/11/2021 today is a holiday. a day exactly like yesterday. everything's the same, my clothes fit the same, my room is the same mess as before, tv shows are still good, i still love my favorite songs, it's still hot as hell... except today i didn't wanna be me. i wished so hard to be another person, someone more fulfilled in their career, someone who visits the beach a lot, someone who can speak to ppl about their needs - OUT LOUD. someone who lives, you know? i hate the "surviving is the new living" shit bc i don't wanna survive anymore. i wanna live. but i don't wanna be me anymore either :( idk what to do with this info, just know it sucks and my heart hasn't stopped bleeding.

oh and by the way??? (i shouldn't be doing this past midnight i have a LOT of shit to do tomorrow morning but here it comes) i do think i'm a good person. i'm sweet and oh my god i can be so kind, wtf. i'm fair and i absolutely hate feeling hate towards whatever it may be. you know when you feel like you could be loved? like you know you're not hard to love? like it could happen anytime soon? yeah. i wish i could believe all of this tho. i really miss going to therapy i'm going insane

› 18/11/2021 momentos, né? eu tô escrevendo isso, enquanto assisto e pauso dickinson aqui na sala de casa. do meu ladinho tá o bidu, e eu queria muito tirar uma fotinha dele assim pq eu sei que vou ler isso depois e não vou lembrar. meu celular tá longe, carregando. mas ele tá LINDO aqui do lado, natália, pelo amor de deus. vou tentar descrever: a patinha esquerda tá tapando o olho esquerdo, como se ele fosse coçar o olho, mas parou no meio do caminho e dormiu sem querer. a boca tá quase semi quaaaase aberta, dá pra ver um tico da gengiva. eu tô digitando e fazendo barulho e mesmo assim ele não acorda. deve tá cansadinho de encher o saco o dia todo lol. momentos, né? eu vivo os momentos bons, tipo esse agora, pensando em como eu vou me sentir quando o momento acabar. eu sou feita de momentos. sejam eles bons, ruins, estressantes, medonhos, estranhos, maravilhosos, bizarros, inexplicáveis... o que for. eles me constroem, mas é aqui que tá... eles acabam. tipo eu vendo __midnight mass_- hoje no ônibus e no herbário. não tô sentindo mais aquele !!!!!!!! mas eu sei que ele existiu. e quando alguém perguntar "viu a série? gostou?" é disso que eu vou lembrar e vou contar pra pessoa "sabe, eu assisti até no ônibus lotado os últimos eps, de tão boa que é a série" e tal. momentos começam com data de validade, eles são feitos com um objetivo: acabar. é algo que eu sei, mas não queria que fosse assim. tudo bem, o bidu ainda tá dormindo do meu lado. eu vou levantar pra ir escovar os dentes e ele vai acordar, vai se ajeitar certinho, e o momento vai acabar. acho que tudo bem.

› 19/11/2021 even tho i feel painfully alone sometimes, it was nice to realize (today in therapy what up) that i'll always have myself. no matter what, i'll always be here. this is a big comfy feeling for me, me who, a few months ago didn't even feel like myself most days. i think i found my home and it's not inside of me, it is me.

› 20/11/2021 eu agi que nem uma surtada na terapia ontem e eu tô me sentindo mal por isso. o lucas até disse "eu sei q vc não tá irritada comigo, é com vc mesma" MAS MESMO ASSIM... vou carregar isso até mês que vem quando eu voltar lá, se eu voltar lá. meu dia tá péssimo por isso e pelo fato da minha gata ter sumido. e pq eu continuo sozinha e cheia de trauma na cabeça pra poder desembaralhar pra viver que nem gente normal. mas acho que ninguém é normal. ufa.