› 15/10/2021 people can be so cruel but here's the thing... people can be so fucking KIND sometimes and that's just the most magical thing about being human. thinking about this and this

› 26/10/2021 spending time with people is so important. guy from lab also didn't pass his driver's test. he failed twice! and gave up. melissa said she tried three times but she REALLY wanted to pass the damn test. this is how we get closer to people.

listening to everything else has gone wrong in a bad week... it's true that everything else sucks and music doesn't. i'm kind of okay with that.

this morning before i went out i listened to julia's podcast: there will be highs and there will be lows. nothing in this life is constant. and that's okay. you just have to find ways to welcome every phase of your life. which changes every fucking second hELLO

› 29/10/2021 everything ends. and i think i'm finally okay with that.

› 30/10/2021 i'm honestly done being embarrassed by everything i do and everything i am. what's the point of self acceptance if i'm always looking to please other people? so many faces to please / i can't see a place for me

eu acho incrível como a laís é tão gentil. o coração dela é tão grandão, cheio de amor pra dar e vender. pra quem quer que seja. é meio triste eu esperar julgamento e crítica quando me deixo ficar vulnerável, quando com ela, não importa o que seja, isso não acontece. e nada disso parece forçado, tipo aquilo de "ur so valid! go off queen!", mas é realmente o apoio como o apoio de uma amiga deve ser. é muito bizarro como a gente conhece pessoas importantes literalmente do nada. eu amo muito essa menina.

barulho & cheiro de chuva me traz uma paz enorme. there's something about crying and the world falling apart outside...

preciso falar sobre essa lista que eu comecei em 2018, escrevi em 2019 e esqueci total depois disso. o contraste com o hoje...

i think it's amazing how well i know myself. i spent over seven hours studying, writing and reading so many papers, my back hurting so damn much, didn't even eat properly, was thirsty constantly, it was hot as fuck and my feet were all swollen... and yet. when i finished the whole thing, i choose to let it go for the day. i did my nails (pretty), i watched a movie with my mom (i laughed my ass off with shrek 2. when will this movie not be iconic), i read for over two hours, i danced until I was out of breath... usually when i have a long studying session i can't recognize myself in the mirror when the day is over. but this time, after all that bullshit, because i took care of myself i recognized myself in the mirror. i saw me. i saw a "me" that was tired, but she was happy with the choices she made that day. it's like julia said, every day we wake up and we make choices, we have no choice but to MAKE choices, and she was right. I'm glad I'm trying, for me. because i honestly believe I'm worth it.

› 31/10/2021 had another dream where I'm being loved and cared for the way I've always wanted to be. loneliness has opened a hole in my chest and i don't think i can fill it with self love. it doesn't work that way anymore. this really represents me.

i saw this post it my mom made into a tiny heart and wrote several names. she wrote my late grandma's name, my late aunt's, my late grandpa's, my uncle's and a few more people's. i think she's praying for them. specially my neighbor, whom i grew up with and had his life turned upside down because of drugs. sometimes i think she takes religion way to seriously, but now I'm finding out it's because she can't do much for other people, so she prays for them. that's all she can do. she wants people to live a good life. a good after life as well. so she prays and prays and prays. and hopes it's enough to ask god to protect everyone while she does her best to protect us.

tonight the bathroom smelled like my grandma's bathroom. i don't know where that came from but i honestly feel her in the room. she is here. the dead are all here with us.