• way less tears without you

• buy a house
• yoga certified
• sub 28in waist
• run sub 6hr marathon
• graduate college
• stay E6 for a long while
• be a good cat mom
• visit new places
• be a good friend

• cast iron skillet(maybe)
• ✔ clean blender
• ✔ clean roomba
• ✔ shower mat
• ✔ diffuser
• new towels (2)
• ✔ meal prep containers
• ✔ cabinet and fridge mats
• ✔ projector(maybe)
• hooks
• ✔ blow dryer
• stool for plant
• cover for plant dirt
• covers for bottom of bed legs(maybe)
• ✔ grocery cart
• ✔ luggage
• string lights
• ✔ drill
• large fridge whiteboard
• ✔ rug(maybe)
• large block cutting board

• what do I want to be when I grow up?
• I wanna help people and the environment
• park ranger/environmental jobs maybe
• write a book
• UPDATE: enrolled in college starting January 2022 for environmental management!
• who do I want to spend my life with?
• close friends and someone I love
• UPDATE: just going to try new things and cherish the friends that I have
• do I want kids?
• yes and no
• what do I want out of life?
• see cool things, have fun, give people/the environment love
• Where do I want to settle down?
• oregon, colorado, somewhere with nice wea...

• try vegetarian/vegan 5x week
• yoga/running/longboarding
• focusing on myself
• more hikes
• organization/declutter
• save money
• cook at home more
• drink more water
• read more

• I hope we can bake muffins together
• and hold hands for an entire day

• What is Your Name? audrey & renee
• How old are you? 25 & 30
• What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? n/a
• Do you like it rough or sensual? rough / sensual
• Opposite sex or the same sex? or both? both but both if its the right person
• How often do you like to have sex? once a month / 2-3 times a week
• Is sex a top priority for you? no /
• How do you feel about one night stands? I don't have em / not worth it
• How many one night stands have you had? 1 / 1
• Favorite position? doggy and reverse cowgirl / spooning
• Favorite place to have sex? over desk or counter / baseball field and desk
• Do you prefer to make love or f*uck?
• Ever watched porn while having sex? no / ...

Undertow // Warpaint

For Emma // Bon Iver

Beauty // The Shivers

Honey // Best Coast

Wind In Her Hair // Motorama

Blood Bank // Bon Iver

Hazeltons // Justin Vernon

Love Song // Adele

Hounds // The Antlers

I Can’t Make You Love Me; A Nick Of Time // Bon Iver cover

Alps // Motorama

Billie Holiday // Warpaint

Caravan // Husky Rescue

Electric Feel // Fleet Foxes (MGMT Cover)

Cielo Rojo // Hello Seahorse

If You Run // The Boxer Rebellion

Heartbeats // Jose Gonzalez

Knife // Grizzly Bear

Lights // Interpol

See You Soon // Coldplay

acid house kings - are we lovers or are we friends?

breakbot - baby i’m yours

the beatles - michelle

belle & sebastian - get me away from here, i’m dying

cults - you know what i mean

the dodos - red and purple

fun - the gambler

the kooks - naive

arctic monkeys - baby i'm yours

local natives - cubism dream

m. ward - never had nobody like you

the morning benders - promises

say hi to your mom - sweet sweet heartkiller

slow club - when i go

stornoway - i saw you blink

sufjan stevens - to be alone with you

6669 // Neon Indian

After The Moment // Craft Spells

I Want To // Best Coast

Our Deal // Best Coast

Best Friend // The Drums

Beta Frontiers // Hondo ft. Becky Ninkovic

No Friend Of Mine // BLEACHED

Razorblade // The Strokes

Boyfriend // Best Coast

Bruises // Chairlift

Celestica //Crystal Castles

Color On The Walls // Foster The People

Colorado // We Are Trees

Sunrise Sunset // We Are Trees

Party Talk // Craft Spells

Your Tomb // Craft Spells

Days // The Drums

Down By The Water // The Drums

Electric Feel // MGMT

French Exit // The Antlers

From The Morning Heat // Craft Spells

• bed on first floor
• good sized kitchen
• solar set up
• outdoor shower
• skylight

• ✔ morning routine
• ✔ walk
• ✔ work meeting
• ✔ lunch with ackerman
• ✔ clean kitchen
• ✔ cook
• ✔ drink water
• ✔ workout
• ✔ massage sore muscles
• ✔ night routine

I repeat "I'm going to be okay" between quick breathes and tears

• 2019 was about balance
• acceptance and love
• 2020 is about confidence
• and progress
• even just a little bit

is turning out to be the best year yet

• have more fun
• go to college

• ✔ class
• ✔ hang out with dad
• ✔ clean
• ✔ tables/chairs
• ✔ cook ham
• ✔ chill with young
• ✔ paper plates/silverware

• ✔ clean house
• ✔ finish preparations for thanksgiving
• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ slam poetry night
• ✔ beach
• ✔ oil change

apparently whispering korean under your breathe in my ear turns me on, who knew?

bc: 11

yesterday was like... a dream?

I want to write these silly feelings down because I want to remember this. my whole body responded to his slightest touch on my neck and stroking my hair to help me nap on the beach.

on the other hand, he was a triumphant gentleman.. he was playful and so respectful (???) I swear I've been watching too many chinese dramas..

• last Christmas
• I gave you my heart
• and you gave me
• pearl earrings
• this year
• my heart was torn apart
• and I lost one of the earrings
• last night

• comatose - skillet
• blank white page - mumford and sons
• must have done something right - relient k
• first date - blink-182
• a whole new world - aladdin
• landslide - oh wonder
• everything - michael buble
• you can't hurry love - phil collins

I can't believe that happened...

• being sad doesn’t mean that you are weak
• it is best to just keep quiet sometimes
• learn from your own mistakes as well as others
• if someone can unexpectedly and willingly walk out of your life, expect it to happen again (even with someone else)
• what may feel right in your heart is not always the right decision
• the love you felt yesterday is merely just a taste of what you’re bound to feel in the future
• to love is important, but it is not what life is all about
• if you are not happy, change something
• a body is simply just a body
• don’t get so caught up in looks, to an extent it’s very shallow
• to be so hard on yourself does not get you anywhere but into more of a slump

• 25 jumping jacks
• 10 plank to push-ups
• 20 mountain climbers
• 30 leg raises
• 40 russian twists
• 50 bicycle crunches
• 10 burpees
• 50 bicycle crunches
• 40 russian twists
• 30 leg raises
• 20 mountain climbers
• 10 plank to push-ups
• 25 jumping jacks

• homework
• clean house
• workout
• play w nugget

• korean spa
• beach day w floatie
• play w nugget
• getting pedicure
• candles
• yoga
• face masks
• reading
• window shopping
• college
• exercise
• etc

• grill + gas tank
• plant pots + dirt
• carp flag
• rice cooker -
• korean bbq cooker -
• kettle -
• coffee maker -
• toaster -
• blender -
• cups (glasses, mason jars, mugs, tea) -
• water bottles x 4 -
• magnets -
• bowels x 4 -
• lunchbox + bento -
• tubberware bowels + lids -
• crockpot -
• cupcake tin -
• baking sheet -
• cutting board x 3 -
• popcorn maker -
• cooking tools -

• banana bread
• cuddles last night
• 4 hr shift
• clean room
• baby kittens

• stayed in bed until noon
• saw black panther and it was good!
• first time in my life seeing a movie with a majority black cast
• recognizing the importance of that
• popcorn and popcicle
• studied
• cute manatee stickers
• godfather II
• relaxing nice day

• wake up, breakfast smoothie, go to work
• work, snack, stay active if possible
• lunch, watch tv, do errands
• afternoon run
• spend time with honey, get dinner
• weight workout/yoga
• homework
• shower
• bed/tv

• meditating
• yoga/stretching
• appreciating sunny days and rainy days alike
• cloud watching

• ✔ eat healthy
• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ exercise
• ✔ cut toenails
• ✔ work on pottery
• ✔ organize room
  • ✔ mail hennig some stuff
  • ✔ mail hennig care package
• think of birthday present for hennig

• eat healthy
• ✔ workout
• ✔ cancel internet
• ✔ outprocessing
• work order for fridge
• ✔ buy big plastic bags
• ✔ packing
• ✔ salsa
• hang out with wren
• ✔ paint ceiling tile
• get married
• korean face/hair mask
• ✔ get eyebrows done
• buy cute bra
• hennig bday present
• call mom
• ✔ get bueltmann tattoo money
• think of more things to do

• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• I PASSED
• HOLY FUCK I PASSED
• cri
• farmer's market
• dean's list
• plenty of sleep
• craig got post class
• security clearance
• lots n lots of other things

in the next few weeks I will test myself on the last two years of work I've done. This is it. I need to focus and I need to stay calm.

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ laundry
• ✔ chill with dawson
• ✔ dishes
• ✔ budget
• ✔ take pictures with broome
• ✔ develop pictures
• ✔ cuddles
• ✔ think of more things to do

• slept in super late
• lunch w/ the crew
• chinese food
• lazy rainy sunday
• wisdom teeth feel a little better everyday
• met cool coffee shop girl who speaks chinese!
• good roommate talks
• took another step of taking back my heart

• DLI AA
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ out-processing
• ✔ watch chinese news everyday
• ✔ read chinese/pleco
• monday
  • ✔ 0800 tech turn-in
  • ✔ 1000 meeting
  • ✔ 1400 627 mdr meeting
• tuesday
  • ✔ 1000 grad rehearsal
• wednesday
  • ✔ parents get here
• thursday
  • ✔ graduation
• friday/saturday

• ✔ study
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ run
• ✔ shower
• ✔ eat stuff that's in the fridge
• ✔ turn in transportation slip
• ✔ pack
• play pokemon
• ✔ read

• yesterday was so amazing, best day in awhile
• getting lost
• christmas music
• olive garden
• christmas tree lights
• permission to aboard/coffin
• karaoke
• young & annalissa are awesome!!!
• kisses
• cheap drinks
• found pic of me and gannon on gray bus
• shaved my legs
• watched scary movie with pennie
• craig and me are besties with no doubt
• there are so many more things to write down that make life wonderful, the little things that I want to remember so badly but it's so hectic all the time!! but hectic in a good way!

• immersion
• last fort ord immersion ever!!!!
• got to hang out with craig all day!
• chinese food
• chinese food yesterday too
• kisses
• played the role of a senior citizen
• got accused of leaking internal information (in the game... not in real life)

• ✔ study chinese
• clean room super good/organize
• ✔ grocery shopping w/ potter
• ✔ thanksgiving dinner with dad on thursday
• ✔ friendsgiving on saturday
• hang out w/ paola on sunday
• ✔ run
• ✔ fix car
• christmas shopping
• ✔ think of more things for the list

• friends with andrews again
• eating healthier/working out more
• productive sunday
• clean sheets
• dr. strange w the bros
• cuddles
• dancing/drinks w friends
• volunteering
• bonfire

• cozy rainy sunday
• gym w gannon
• nelson made it to texas safe

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ go to the gym
• ✔ go to target

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ wash car (wed)
• ✔ car insurance/property insurance
• ✔ verizon bill/overage
• ✔ put sticker on car (wed)
• ✔ eat healthy
• ✔ get doctor appointment (wed)
• ✔ sign back in to CQ
• ✔ clean bathroom very well
• ✔ clean room very well
• ✔ get stain out of sheets/bathing suit
• ✔ do laundry
• ✔ do dishes
• ✔ get stuff from wooton
• ✔ give presents to craig/andrews
• ✔ get stripes sewn onto uniforms
• ✔ sign up for spartan race
• ✔ register car on base (wed)
• ✔ run a lot
• ✔ go to the beach
• go for a hike

• barkley marathon
• save ocean animals
• add more things to lifelong goals list

• look at life like a learning experience
• spend as much time outdoors as possible

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ run
• ✔ movie with wetmore
• ✔ verison bill/military discount
• bathing suit shopping
• ✔ GoT with andrews
• ✔ pick up dry cleaning
• ✔ lunch with wootton
• ✔ laundry
• relax

• ✔ clean room
• ✔ take a shower
• ✔ do homework
• ✔ after mtt w nejes
• ✔ go biking

• I feel overwhelmingly positive about the upcoming year and I hope this feeling lasts

• chinese
• spending time w friends/family
• staying fit/eating healthy
• saving money
• think of more things for this list

• new phone
• new tattoo
• calendar
• film
• magic 8 ball
• downtown abbey

• tummy aches
• my stupid phone charger
• I can' go a day w/o putting myself down... It's really awful because I feel content with life right now and I honestly do love myself but for some reason every time I open my mouth all my insecurities pour out. I think it's because I'm around people all the time and I don't have momo or my mom. That's silly because I'm a full grown adult and I am capable of being more level headed about these sort of things. If you always put yourself second then other people will always put you second, or not think of you at all. I don't expect people to put me first but sometimes it's nice when they surprise you like that. Honestly I just need to be more chill. That's it.

When it comes to boys and relationships and crap like that I have two lines of tho...

• french toast
• listening class was pretty good today
• pizza
• the other day the cute guy noticed me on the walk home
• slept in comfy jacket that smelled good
• not too much homework tonight

• very hardworking
• yellow
• they love flowers
• make yummy honey
• create the coolest geometric patterns
• sisters that protect each other
• if they sting you it hurts them too so they have to be very selective about when to sting
• fuzzy
• fun to watch
• help us grow lots of fruits
• independent and strong

• nice breakfast by myself
• hunger games with wootton
• digimon with the bros
• went out drinking w friends
• andrews walked me home since he's nice

• get presents for family/friends
• drink wine
• don't let people make you feel like shit
• become a teal rope
• get some ink
• knit the shit outta something
• rollar skate

• english week of class
• laptop case/checks for penfed came in the mail
• pt with rock/nejes
• didn't eat ice cream all day
• studied chinese
• awkwardly talked to andrews

• ✔ lift heavy things at the gym
• ✔ grow hair
• ✔ get eyebrows done
• ✔ farmers market - smoothies
• ✔ ATP
• eat healthy
• ✔ one cuppa daily
• ✔ order penfed card
• ✔ friday night open mic
• ✔ friday night movie
• ✔ wash hair every other day
• ✔ run AT LEAST 10 miles a week (one 5 mile a week)
• ukulele practice
• ✔ drink LOTS of water
• ✔ budget
• ✔ airmenship paper

• breakfast w/ wootton
• lots of candy and yummy food
• card games w/ friends
• didn't spend a lot of money
• NO POST ON SUNDAYS

• gw: 130
• ✔ finish bmt
• ✔ tech school
• ✔ STUDY STUDY STUDY
• ✔ save 20k
• cook more
• add more goals to the list

• air force
  • eat healthy
  • excersize
  • language enhancing
• work
• gymnastics
• luke
• other things

• finish air force paperwork
• oil change
• job counsel
• job hunting
• workout
• call usaa
• go to bank
• rcc resumes

when/if I ever get married and we have some kind of reception/food time for everyone (it'll be small) I decided that all the food shall be comfort food. Maybe we'll have a projector outside on a warm summer evening and watch a movie and all eat together and so that brings me to the list of comfort foods:

• bbq (for people who like cow stuff)
• fried chicken
• chinese food
• pizza
• ice cream
• japanese stuff
• desserts
• pancakes
• strawberries
• smores
• smoothies
• chocolate milk
• sparkling juice

• apply to more jobs
• get a new job
• do well in school
• eat healthy/exercise
• sell more stuff on craigslist
• cutest couples contest
• meeting with af recruiter
• set up usaa account
• valentine's day w/ luke
• visit ari
• return dress to ross
• eyebrows
• sell textbooks
• eventually get my own netflix account

• wake up
• shower
• clean car out
• church
• walmart snacks
• gas
• drive to portland
• shop
• eat
• sleep at aunt laura's house

• college
• job
• french
• 3 puzzles
• sell old crap
• postcard collection
• car updated
• read fifty books
• be happy

• ✔ wake up
• ✔ get ready
• ✔ go to class (9-10AM)
• ✔ go to talk to dad during his lunch
• borrow ipod
• run
• bring back ipod
• ✔ go home
• ✔ homework
• ✔ homework
• ✔ homework
• ✔ call work at 4
• depending on work
  • work
  • ✔ more homework
• read/puzzle/relax
• ✔ sleep

• pick a stranger flowers
• ✔ clean my room
• homework
  • ✔ math
  • writing
  • ✔ psychology
• exercise
• pick up paycheck
• ✔ start puzzle
• be productive
• go to work
• clean car
• clean nails
• estimate money
• shower
• put laundry away

Friday

• ✔ make pb sandwiches
• ✔ pack bag for coast
• ✔ go to the coast w/ friends
• stop by dq on the way back
• ✔ come home
• spend time with family/do homework

Saturday

• wake up early and go hiking
• get dropped off in medford
• mom picks me up in medford
• ✔ go to appointment with mom
• ✔ go home
• ✔ study/spend time with family

Sunday

• ✔ church
• ✔ check in at jobs
• ✔ spend time with family/do homework:

• Hiking Tablerock
• JD/friends
• subway
• strawberry smoothie
• mormon church/Daniel/Faith/Paul/JD
• baci's/David
• Mitchell
• shower

• ✔ clean room/car
• ✔ appreciate the sunshine
• ✔ take a shower
• hiking
• mini golf
• ✔ run

• hitchhiker
• handwriting analysis
• beautiful day
• JD
• A on writing paper!
• Hailey's bday party!!!!!
• breadsticks
• Gibsons/Frankie

• blue hair!!!
• pitch perfect
• ice cream
• really good prayer time
• cute puppies

• 100 jumping jacks
• 90 crunches
• 80 squats
• 70 leg lifts
• 60 jumping jacks
• 50 crunches
• 40 squats
• 30 leg lifts
• 20 jumping jacks
• 10 minutes of running

• adorable dog the size of a small bear
• school
• softball dugout laugh
• didn't reply to him
• haven't talked about him to anyone and keeping my mind pure

• slept in
• baci's
• frankie/josh
• movies/candy/popcorn
• found out the truth about dane/cheating

• coffee
• Ari bday party
• went to CA
• good talk with Ryan
• so busy that I had to write the note the day after!!!!!!!!!
• had REAL fun in spite of recent events
• Sam agreed to talk to me about the truth

• dane broke up with me
• safe haven
• just dance 4
• pancakes/doodle at shari's
• run

• run
• baci's with hannah and frankie
• pink lemonade slushi
• nap
• night time festivities

• pb cookies
• got up before mama
• had nice lunch/outing with mama
• awesome home group
• PIZZA & CUPCAKES

• shower
• strawberry ice cream bar
• nap
• banana bread
• family time

• read casual vacancy
• tin-tin's
• les miserables
• pizza
• happy mommy

• starbucks
• silver lining playbook
• exercise at the y (4.7 miles/4.8)
• basketball game
• oregon stars

• today was productive
• yummy fruit smoothie
• drove to GP!
• developed pictures
• full tank of gas

• good talks with rachel/becky
• me and mom get along
• smoothie
• deleted facebook/twitter for good
• anne hathaway + ice cream

• smoothie for breakfast
• starbucks gift card
• car dealership call: $9500
• home alone time
• forgot about until mentioned month-aversary with dane

• two new followers on tumblr~
• go to the airport with dane
• bones and hot chocolate
• SLEEP
• positive outlook on MY future

• think positively
• control impulses to tell someone how I feel
• follow through with giving up when it’s necessary
• go to work with a positive attitude and outlook
• accept what I can’t change
• don’t let the future scare me
• do what I have to do to get by
• don’t care what other people may think
• fix what I can change
• filter out all of the sad things from the past
• put it all behind me

• 20 squats
• 30 lunges
• 40 calf raises
• 50 second wall sit
• 100 jumping jacks
• 50 second wall sit
• 40 sumo squats
• 30 leg raises
• 20 squats

• don't
• care
• about me
• you
• don't
• think
• about me
• you
• are constantly
• on
• my
• mind
• why
• don't I
• deserve
• love?
• I don't
• expect
• a
• diamond ring
• I don't

• found good christ centered websites
• had a good dream
• being mature - giving dane the space he needs
• super clean shower
• dane time!

ingredients:

• 8 large strawberries
• 1 1/2 banana
• 1 cup of strawberry banana fruit juice
• 1/2 strawberry ice cream

directions:

• blend the banana/strawberries with the fruit juice until fruits are well blended
• next add the ice cream and blend for 30 seconds on high

• BIO231 4
• BIO200 2
• BIO233 4
• BIO232 4
• CHE101 3
• CHE104 1
• MATH111 4
• MIT103 3
• MATH112 4
• WRI121 3
• WRI122 3
• Humanities elective 3 (9)
• Social Science elective 3 (12)
• PSY 3
• SPE111 3
• Math prerequisite 3

• ✔ to kill a mockingbird
• ✔ the catcher in the rye
• ✔ the great gatsby
• walden
• the fountainhead
• ✔ this side of paradise
• a separate peace
• ✔ peter pan
• ✔ hamlet
• on the road
• naked lunch
• the mayor of castro street
• 100 selected poems: e.e. cummings
• l'etranger/la peste
• ballad of the whiskey robber
• behind the beautiful forevers
• sula
• downtown abbey
• ✔ mansfield park
• ✔ persuasion
• ✔ fault in our stars

• baci's
• rogue river pharmacy
• walmart pharmacy
• ray's
• olive garden
• fred meyer
• fred meyer pharmacy
• shari's
• dutch bros

• lilo & stitch
• legally blonde
• the muppets
• the great muppet caper
• looper
• harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban
• real steel
• anastasia
• the help
• emma
• pride & prejudice
• the hobbit
• whisper of the heart
• bridget jones diary
• like crazy
• sherlock holmes
• tangled
• the tourist

• too lazy
• money is a problem, always
• I don't have a job
• I don't know what to do with my life
• people make me too sad
• I make myself too sad
• reality is not pleasing
• I am always worried
• today is a very bad day
• everyday is a today is a very bad day, day..
• my parents stress me out
• I'm a burden
• I talk too much
• there's too many days until summer
• when I'm sad I want to do things I'll regret in a few weeks

• emma watson
• mila kunis
• anne hathaway
• zooey deschanel

• chinese food
• chinese food
• chinese food
• mint chocolate chip klondike bar
• snugglin' time
• cuddly cats
• french toast

• health
  • diet
  • jiujitsu
  • running
  • stretching
  • nail health
  • skin
  • hair
• cat mom
  • no more spraying
  • no more scratching
  • no more breaking glass
• college
  • at least 2 semesters per year
  • goal is 3 semesters
• plant mom
  • keep plants alive

• its not a matter of
• forgiving you
• or not
• because I'm capable
• of endless understanding
• because its easy to
• forgive
• when I don't believe I deserve better
• deep in my bones
• but
• you
• on the other hand
• don't think you did anything wrong
• fucking me
• when I didn't want you to
• rape
• isn't
• decided
• by
• intentions
• motherfucker

• I think my ideal home would have these things:
• spiral staircase
• backyard with hammock
• cozy
• lots of books
• maybe a garden someday/fruit trees
• natural light
• space for family and friends
• home gym stuff
• indoor plants
• nice view
• window seating nook
• open kitchen
• outdoor eating area

• with crazy and amazing support from friends and family, I, for the first time in my life, ended things with someone that treated me shitty.. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want to hold grudges or keep anger in my heart.. I think fighting is a natural thing to happen and I'm not perfect, but physically threatening/intimidating me is not okay. I don't deserve it. standing up for myself, setting boundaries, trying to be understanding and respectful...
• figuring things out in new shop
• ✔ working on reenlistment/IPCOT
• BUYING A HOUSE
• beach w lexi
• family brunch
• SAW 2 WK OLD PUPPIES
• celebrating klein's ALS graduation
• weather has been nice lately
• alksndf;asldnkf lots of things

who tf do you think you are coming in here making me feel things

• 0500 wake up
• 0505 bathroom, brush teeth, wash face, feed nugget
• 0600 search yoga youtube video, yoga
• 0645 get ready for work, leave house
• 1430 get off work, drive home
• 1530 get home, relax, play with nugget
• 1545 get dressed, workout
• 1645 get home, shower
• 1730 relax
• 1830 cook/eat dinner, feed nugget
• 1930 clean up, chores, random
• 2030 read
• 2100 get ready for bed, sleep

mystery jets - serotonin

darwin deez - deep sea diver

voxtrot - the start of something

fitz & the tantrums - don’t gotta work it out

surfer blood - i’m not ready

girls - lust for life

animal collective - summertime clothes

cults - go outside

kanye west - power

craft spells - scandinavian crush

washed out - feel it all around

childish gambino - freaks and geeks

grimes - oblivion

tame impala - lucidity

schoolboy q - hands on the wheel

the morning benders - crosseyed

• think positively
• control impulses to tell someone how I feel
• follow through with giving up when it’s necessary
• go to work with a positive attitude and outlook
• accept what I can’t change
• don’t let the future scare me
• do what I have to do to get by
• don’t care what other people may think
• fix what I can change
• filter out all of the sad things from the past
• put it all behind me

Breakfast Options

16 oz water

1 cup cereal w/ skim milk

1 apple w/ peanut butter

1 toast & 2 slices bacon & 1 egg

Lunch Options

16 oz water

turkey sandwich w/ fruit

chicken breast w/ fruit

salad w/ fruit

Dinner Options

16 oz water

1 slice pizza w/ 1 cup veggies

4 oz meat w/ 1 cup veggies

1 quesadilla w/ 1 cup veggies

Dessert Options

16 oz water

1 cup ice cream

1 candy bar

1 piece of cake/brownie/cookie/cupcake

• being sad doesn’t mean that you are weak.
• it is best to just keep quiet sometimes.
• learn from your own mistakes as well as others.
• if someone can unexpectedly and willingly walk out of your life, expect it to happen again (even with someone else).
• what may feel right in your heart is not always the right decision.
• the love you felt yesterday is merely just a taste of what you’re bound to feel in the future.
• to love is important, but it is not what life is all about.
• if you are not happy, change something.
• a body is simply just a body.
• don’t get so caught up in looks, to an extent it’s very shallow.
• to be so hard on yourself does not get you anywhere but into more of a slump.

• ✔ get soil & seeds
• ✔ clean floors
• eat clean
• candle for bathroom
• use living room more
• play animal crossing
• puzzles
• read
• care package
• ✔ drink lots of water
• figure out how to make miso
• ✔ use backyard
• ✔ clean guest room
• ✔ clean car
• take shit to goodwill

I am going to be going to the honolulu police department to ID the man who raped me at a party last year. I'm just going to list all the things running through my mind cause why not???

• my victim advocate sucks ass
• my squadron command team has reached out and is being really kind
• but the shirt is gone
• the commander is on leave
• but he offered to give me a ride which was really nice
• so far I've cried
• talked to garce on the phone and got mad at him for no reason
• done a small comedy act with a bunch of rape jokes alone in my house
• texted my dad and he said "it won't be fun, but you'll be fine"
• almost threw up
• calmed down a bit to finish the list

You know what I'm really fucking tired of? Living with trauma... Having the abuse I went through years ago affect my future relationships, victim blaming, friends not believing my abuse/rape, being outcasted, rapists getting away with what they've done, seeing my rapist's face via social media, feeling like I shouldn't have a voice because "It happened a long time ago, get over it", people that think the rapist's identity should be kept private to protect their reputation, and many, many more things.

The first time I was raped was in 2012, shortly after I graduated high school by a boy I was dating at the time. I endured physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. It really fucking sucked. Even though its been years since it happened it still affects my life.

I've grown a lot from those experiences and helped people since by volunteering fo...

• he says he loves me
• he wants to get married
• and have kids
• and travel the world
• and have lots of sex

• so it's been a hot minute but I've been super busy and there are so many insanely good things recently that I think "I really need to write this down!!!" but then I keep being busy oops
• got my first 3 on DLPT!!!!!!!!!!!!
• japan vacation was so perfect in every way imaginable
• literally so many memories and good times and so much nostalgia I could explode
• walking/running around oki exploring
• seeing craig
• ember
• garce
• karaoke x 100
• ramen
• family market where my parents used to take us
• japanese chapstick that smells like honey
• apron!!!!!!

• send each other dank memes
• lots of sex
• surprise picnic
• don't need labels

I wanted to be yours forever and I have never felt like that about someone before and maybe I'll never feel like that again

but that's life

• ALMOST 30 DAY VACATION IN JAPAN WITH MY BEST FRIEND
• CHRISTMASSSSS
• HANG OUT WITH MY DAD FOR THANKSGIVING
• HANG OUT WITH MY MOM AFTER DLPT
• WORKING HARD FOR DLPT!!!
• losing weight heh
• under 8 min mile
• oppa
• young the giant in january
• talking to old friends again (andrews)
• starting to get back to myself
• got $70+ back on electric bill
• found reliable roommate for next year
• didn't have to write my own/anyone else's eval
• had korean bbq !!!
• manchester orchestra was amazing live
• met chill dude at the concert

• ✔ pillows
• ✔ blankets
• ✔ candles
• ✔ tree
• ✔ tree decorations
• mistletoe
• ✔ kitchen towels
• ✔ bathroom mats
• ✔ lawn chairs
• rent table
• coffee table (from annalissa)
• ✔ frame for poster
• ✔ frame for paintings
• guest room furniture?
• chalk board DIY

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the mess that is me. I swear to god I'm trying my best. my brain is raging that its not good enough and my heart is screaming that now is not the time nor place for all this ruckus going on inside of it; but the thing is -- it will never be the time nor place. I will never be the girl. I wanted your love. I thought I could manage this time around -- finally ascertain control over my daydreams

my daydreams get the best of me every time

I know I love you more. do you think I say this to be endearing?

I say it with terror in mind

I say it knowing I will get hurt again

I guess I believe the willingness to be hurt for love is courage

• glasses
• ✔ legos
• ✔ holiday decorations?
• ✔ couch pillows
• ✔ tv stand (for living room)
• ✔ clean/fix car
• ✔ christmas presents this year:
  • annalissa/young
  • craig
  • nugget
• ✔ find cat-sitter
• ✔ leave paperwork
• ✔ fix CAC

I make the choice... the choice of what I do with my life... starting with my attitude, perceptions, thoughts, what I put in my body, how I treat my body, who I let near my body... all of that is, for the most part, in my control

there are ups and downs

but today has been an up so far

so I need to harness this peace of mind

• I feel like I'm going to throw up
• I didn't sleep at all last night
• I can't wait for this to be over with

✧ What Ever Happened by The Strokes

✧ All You Ever Wanted by The Black Keys

✧ Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey

✧ Vices by BADBADNOTGOOD

✧ Only by Coma Cinema

✧ Chum by Earl Sweatshirt

✧ No Buses by Arctic Monkeys

✧ Lies by Marina & the Diamonds

✧ Between Friends ft. Earl Sweatshirt by Captain Murphy

✧ Loft Music by The Weeknd

✧ White by Frank Ocean

✧ Hell by Coma Cinema

✧ Exit Music (For a Film) by Radiohead

the more I want to just live in a small house, but big enough to accommodate friends and family so that I can have dinner parties and fill my little home with the genuine love that comes along with full stomachs and talking over a mutually adored novel. I want to be the best babysitter for friend's children. I want to live more with less. I want to be an example someday, like how my mother has been for me.

I want to never get tired of looking outside my window, marveling at everything this world has to offer, even though I know its not always easy to look on the bright side of things when gray skies are above.. so I just have to remind myself that rain and storms make the grass greener.

mostly I just want to be happy and make others happy too.

• I’m out here in the dark
• All alone and wide awake
• Come and find me
• I’m empty and I’m cold
• And my heart’s about to break
• Come and find me
• I need you to come here and find me
• ‘Cause without you I’m totally lose
• I’ve hung a wish on every star
• It hasn’t done much good so far
• I can only dream of you
• Wherever you are
• I’ll hear your laugh
• I’ll see your smile
• I’ll be with you
• Just for a while
• But when the morning comes

warm-up x 3

• 15 jump squats
• 10 jump lunge
• 25 bicycles
• 15 crab walk
• 15 push-ups
• 10 burpees
• 15 calf raises
• 1 min plank

run day - 20 mins sprint intervals 15 incline at 2.5< 10 mins

leg day/back/shoulders/bi/tri

cool down abs lunges crab squats

• two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
• and sorry I could not travel both
• and be one traveler, long I stood
• and looked down one as far as I could
• to where it bent in the undergrowth;
• then took the other, as just as fair,
• and having perhaps the better claim,
• because it was grassy and wanted wear;
• though as for that the passing there
• had worn them really about the same,
• and both that morning equally lay
• in leaves no step had trodden black.
• oh, I kept the first for another day!
• yet knowing how way leads on to way,
• I doubted if I should ever come back.
• I shall be telling this with a sign
• somewhere ages and ages hence;
• two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

• clean bedroom
• clean bathroom
• clean kitchen
• clean living room/etc
• laundry
• meal prep
• ✔ eat healthy
• ✔ relax
• beach time
• read books
• organize finances
• ✔ exercise
• take things to goodwill
• think of fun things to do with honey

• stop weird bathroom stuff
• lose weight (as always)
• explore/travel more
• read more
• volunteer more
• start attending college again
• drink more water
• save money
• have more fun
• try food-prep
• learn to surf
• think of more things to do

• learn chinese super good
• drink more water
• become skinny

but why can't I help always starting my questions with I know this will be a stupid question but... it starts with me believing that any question I could possibly ask is stupid because I am the one asking and it ends with the person I'm asking and my twisted mind trying to apologize before I've even finished the question because I respect them and pity them for having to be the one I ask it to because that is how little I think of myself and when people hear that they say "oh no you're great, you're funny, you're pretty" they say "don't be so hard on yourself" they say "you shouldn't put yourself down" but no matter what I do I always come back to hating myself and I don't think I'll ever stop no matter what I do so I know this will be a stupid question but please help me stop hating myself

• desk
  • books
  • star wars figure
  • movies/dvds
  • magic 8 ball
  • teal mug
  • yosemite mug
  • office supplies
  • ds
  • harry potter audiobook
  • wires/thingys
  • rice cooker
  • hygiene products
  • origami paper
• nightstand
  • tea
  • paperwork
  • basket
• bed

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ get film developed
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ take out trash
• ✔ shower
• ✔ vaccuum
• ✔ clean bathroom
• ✔ study for clep
• ✔ pack belongings
• ✔ cri

so these last two months have been... interesting. I'm going to start off with the australian. holy smokes. the accent. let me repeat: holy fucking smokes. moving on there have been several weird first dates -- but that's okay, it's all apart of growing up, right? A lot of the guys I've met recently are really cool and funny and smart, but I just haven't felt that spark with someone yet. I'm not really looking for anything serious at this point but I just want someone that vibes with me.. the submarine guy was cool, more aloof, super tall and strong.. but I just needed more than that. I'm glad I was chill and said something sooner rather than later since I don't want to waste his time. other than that I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing -- so much to do but that's the best way to be because being busy means I have no time to worry about stupid things that don't really matter. I've ...

• laptop case
• ✔ swimsuit
• ✔ running shoes
• suitcase
• ✔ pillows
• bicycle
• longboard
• surfboard
• sleeping bag
• ✔ rug for bathroom
• ✔ extra plug thingy
• adidas joggers
• peterpan collar shirt
• hip hop hippy hop art

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ laundry
• ✔ shower
• ✔ taxes
• ✔ online training
• ✔ get car checked
• ✔ dishes
• ✔ organize belongings
• ✔ get moving boxes
• ✔ get film developed

• trying to look on the bright side
• taxi driving on base going insane
• going kayaking and seeing otters!!!!
• dark souls 2 raging
• hennig x glavin
• cri
• ate my weight in food at ocean sushi deli
• luke is going to basic in 2 weeks!
• so many more things but I'm an idiot and never make lists accordingly!!!

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ gym
• ✔ buy exterior hard drive
• ✔ laundry
• ✔ la la land
• ✔ call mom
• ✔ help lowery move
• ✔ boss meeting
• bake banana bread
• think of more things to do

• battlestar galactica
• made a smoothie in my blender
• goodwill
• picked up calhoun from the airport and met his wife!
• new years in san fran with friends!
• fireworks!!!!

• leon bridges - coming home
• tegan & sara - how come you don't want me
• oh wonder - without you
• kodaline - all I want
• arcade fire - song on the beach
• nick hakim - I don't know
• the lumineers - nobody knows
• M.I.L.K - following the sun
• coconut records - it's not you it's me
• velvet underground - pale blue eyes
• sara barellies - bluebird
• sara barellies - she used to be mine (broke the no repeats rule but I really love this song)

• ✔ become a good runner
• ✔ ukulele
• ✔ minimalist lifestyle
• knit a sweater

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ clean room especially well
• ✔ reorganize following on tumblr
• budget
• ✔ clean teapot
• ✔ run/bike/hiking
• ✔ make origami
• ✔ do cute things
• ✔ sleep

• ✔ rest
• study
• ✔ shower
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ play pokemon

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ go to the gym
• ✔ movie with sharky
• fix car with sharky
• ✔ spca w/ craig
• ✔ download chinese coarse for dix
• ✔ christmas shopping
• ✔ clean room

Saying first names is weird but I'm getting used to it a little more everyday.. just like I'm getting used to not seeing Andrews.. not talking to him.. not thinking of him. Everything is happening so fast. One month ago I was sitting in this very spot crying, devastated. Today I woke up in a strange place with a different person. I have the urge to write about all these things.

I don't want to believe Andrews broke my heart. I don't want to be brokenhearted again, I don't want to admit that I let him occupy a big enough space in my heart to do that kind of damage. He's a coward for not saying goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that I have my own shortcomings.. I constantly started arguments and I talked to much. But he sucks. He just plain sucks. Ugh I want to write more but I can't right now.. Still hungover and still mad.

• pokemon sun is super fun
• moana w/ dad
• dad came to visit
• new gilmore girls
• new super cute anime schoolgirl skirt
• cold finally went away
• kisses even when it's awkward

• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ hydrate
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ beach
• ✔ laundry
• eyebrows
• ✔ get snacks prepared for next weekend

• stopped raining just in time for school
• bernardi was friendly on the bus
• halloween candy
• craig/farmer's market/parking space
• farmer's market old man vodka
• teal rope meeting
• only two more days this week
• break up song by bo burnham is so relevant

• ✔ denim short overalls
• knee highs
• peter pan collar shirt
• ✔ good skirts
• good short boots
• etc

• watch spirited away
• supernatural marathon
• ice skating

• ✔ shower
• ✔ study chinese
• ✔ watch GoT
• ✔ clean room
• ✔ laundry
• ✔ do taxes

• ✔ homework
• ✔ laundry
• ✔ airmenship paper
• dynasty for lunch (if I finish hw)
• ✔ shower
• ✔ mtt
• ✔ bike ride/run
• ✔ GoT

• ✔ watch adventure time
• ✔ watch GoT
• ✔ eat chinese food
• ✔ study chinese/finish homework
• work on airmenship homework
• get a new folder
• look at bank account
• ✔ 29B for next weekend
• ✔ mtt
• ✔ superbowl party w/ wootton
• ✔ chill w/ Andrews

• cake!!!!!
• sour cream and onion lays
• rearranged room w fresh vibes
• boyfriend heheheh
• got a new phone
• adventures on my bike
• drinking w craig/wuench
• steven universe
• game of thrones/band of brothers

• ✔ focus on work/school
• ✔ become more of a hermit
• stay away from cute boys
• see the grand canyon
• ✔ save money
• think of more resolutions

• all I really want for christmas is to pet a corgi
• I become biggest cheesiest person in the whole world when it's the cheery holiday time
• actually the real secret is that I'm always the cheesiest
• that is all for now

• SO many good things!!!!
• really good japanese food w friends
• calpis
• helped w teal rope pledge/signatures
• free chapstick
• breaky w wootton
• french toast
• twin pinata
• going home!!!!!!!!!
• mom!!
• said bye to craig/andrews
• chick-fila!
• hotel sleeping nice
• STAR WARS!
• see luke n he brought me flowers and dressed cute
• coldstones!
• resisted urge to kiss him
• happy to be home!!!!!!!!!
• so many other good lil things but I can't think of all of them at once!

• so obviously I'm going to leave out an elephant size amount of good things that have happened in previous months and that is the whole point of this. lists of good things are not generally not lists of vast achievements, although they can include them don't get me wrong, but they are lists of the little things in life that make everyday worth living and appreciating. so lemme think...
• graduated tech school
• got all my outprocessing paperwork done early and leaving base before anyone else!
• drove to texas and surprised hennig (he had no idea!)
• slept on cot in airport because I'm the most stubborn person ever
• had a nice hotel in texas and had free snacks
• met hennig's mom and family, free place t...

• no formation this morning
• finished all my hw before class dismissed
• talked to ssgt
• feel more calm about boys n silly things
• game of thrones

• andrews talk in car/cop/kiss
• aquarium was amazing!!! otters and penguins and octopus
• lots of food from my dad
• spend time w friends/bubba gump shrimp
• showed dad chinese books
• car rides are nice
• ice cream
• purple pants are so comfy and warm
• groceries/sushi
• drinking w pals
• ran into watson/wetmore at walgreens/their a cute couple
• lots of good things today/I have a very good life

• passed mid-unit test!!!
• cold stones
• pizza w friends
• beach n talk w andrews
• jumped the fence

• cute
• nice butt
• smart
• cool russian accent
• opinionated
• caring
• funny
• strong
• boy scout
• drives a cool car w/ a sunroof
• belt buckles
• etc etc etc

• grand canyon
• ✔ santa cruz
• ✔ big sur
• comic-con san diego 2016
• ✔ LA
• alcatraz
• half dome

• french toast
• no pt
• finished unit 1 test (I hope I passed)
• almost friday
• watched friends/study time

• crimson peak w/ andrews
• moved to bldg 649
• roommate with wootton
• awesome sushi w/ lowery/broome
• lots n lots more things but there's too much to mention!!!

• FRENCH TOAST YAAAAS
• started class today!!!!!!!!!!
• watched SAO 2 with skrabak
• frank sinatra pandora radio is excellent
• ate healthy (for the most part) and went to the gym (weight room!)

• slept in until 11
• got my tailored uniform
• my friends waited for me at the bus stop
• didn't spend any money
• four day weekend

• study
• ✔ get uniform from cleaners
• ✔ clean blues
• ✔ order amazon stuff
• ✔ figure out what to do for lunches
• ✔ frame picture
• ✔ hang up pictures
• buy more songs
• ✔ get bike equipment
• ✔ save money
• ✔ organize money
• pt 4-5 days a week
  • run min of 12 miles a week
  • don't be afraid of the weight room
  • press handstand
  • middle split
  • 1030 1.5 mi
• gw: 130 lbs
• DD volunteering
• ATP

• my plants
• origami birds
• framing puzzles when finished
• film photography
• harry potter
• reading
• list making
• art/doodles
• bike riding/running/sports
• grocery shopping
• learning the ukulele
• gymnastics
• blogging

• clean luke's room
• go to gymnastics place
• laundry
• shawn's party?
• ymca application
• dollar tree application
• walmart application
• homework
• go for a run
• eyebrows

resumes:

• pita pit
• quiznos

• slept good
• relaxing
• nice day/fresh air/sunshine
• luke
• the walking dead

• ✔ wake up/shower
• ✔ finish paperwork if not done tonight
• get goodwill stuff together
• ✔ check in at ray's/baci's
• possibly hang out with April
• ✔ print out grades/resumes
• ✔ job hunting
• ✔ call-in at four
  • go to work
    • ✔ go home
    • ✔ doctor who
  • ✔ go home
    • borrow ipod/run
    • ✔ doctor who

• math/mitchell/david
• pizza/gas/ice cream
• harry potter
• carly
• psychology project done!

• PAY DAY
• math/david
• pizza/ice cream
• josh potts
• swinter

• sphere chapstick ($2)
• ✔ The Perks of Being a Wallflower ($10)
• TOMS ($50)
• ✔ pay back the people that I owe:
  • Lindsey: $10
  • Dawson: $7
  • Katie: $5
  • Alecs: $20
  • Chelsea: $2
  • Jason: $5

• ✔ get outta bed
• ✔ taxes
• ✔ become somewhat presentable
• ✔ COFFEE
• ✔ school
• ✔ DQ/theater
• ✔ Jon Nelson
• clean room
• go to bed early
• ✔ read suggested book

• pie at shari's
• sleepover
• good night sleep
• coffee/antiques with faith
• shower
• relaxing evening
• new new girl/new bones/new castle
• cupcakes
• SO BUSY yesterday that I had to write yesterday's list today!!!!!!

• sold my first ever thing on craigslist!!! (tripod)
• productive phone calls
• pizza/ice cream
• adventure time on netflix
• the walking dead w/ luke & cuddles

• house key
• dutch bros
• lunch with mom/Josh
• sunshine
• disney movies
• ice cream
• blanket fort

• school
• not in anticipation/afraid
• cashed check at walmart
• cleaned room/kitchen
• watched movies/family time

• hung out with Frankie
• pizza
• purchased hair dying stuff
• church/amanda
• free dutch bros

• study study study
• GET A JOB
• exercise
• be a bro
• keep myself organized
• maintain a positive outlook

• CARLY COOK
• chinese buffet
• kitty
• cookies/smoothie
• family time

• li laoshi said my pronunciation is getting better!!!!!
• 104 on my lesson 3 vocab test
• not a lot of homework
• movies in chinese!!
• got more than 7 hours sleep

• good nights sleep
• set up fire
• run
• clean room
• sermon at parkway
• read bible
• hang out at baci's

gw: 120

• sweets once every other day
• exercise EVERY DAY
• only fruit/cereal for breakfast
• chicken every other day
• portion sizes
• no soda NO EXCEPTIONS
• morning/night routine beyond regular exercise

why?

• AWESOME

• HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
• text from dane
• pretty day out
• movie with mom
• bowling with friends
• cheap dutch bros
• strawberries from dane
• shari's with friends

• go pro
• quick camera (soon)
• develop other camera (soon)
• cats
• cats dress (leggings/sweater)
• gladiator shoes
• eyebrows (soon)
• mascara (soon)
• eyeliner (soon)
• brush (soon)
• shampoo/conditioner (soon)
• frames
• school textbooks
• phone plan (soon)
• credit card
• tires
• glasses
• laptop
• puzzles
• fall shoes