rewatching this video[https://youtu.be/8irwma2-504?si=Ka43EFeWkDuaUU05]

• okay. i am so focused on being lovable. im almost everything i do. being a good girl. being who i think other people want me to be. trying to make them happy. i always have been this way so it is truly hard to know what i actually want
  • the thing that is making me absolutely insane is all the things in my head that make me deem myself as “unlovable”, people i truly love have those qualities. and i still absolutely adore them. and sometimes that quality i deemed as bad i adore in other people
  • what’s funny is you can apply this to many things in life. well if you’re like me, i guess. but kaylee was talking about being nervous about wearing certain colors with her hair color. and i was like who do you think is thinking that ?? when you see someone else wearing certain colors with your hair colors, do you judge them or think they look bad ? anyway. i’m a hypocrite
• i don’t know if thos is even remotely connected but. Kaylee and Pawley were talking so much like things their boyfriends did that pissed them off. and i was jealous. i hadn’t had anything to be mad about in a long time. and i am craving it now. the things people get mad about … it’s bc they’re usually passionate about it ? and i want that. and i think that’s why i’m craving a romantic relationship but there have got to be other ways to feel that. i really need to listen to Raven’s reading for me today and use my sadness in my art and move on
• one thing that has been on my mind lately a lot. is i want to be able to be soft. i don’t want to have to be mean or play games to have someone treat me softly too