about my feelings (and writing in english for training)

• 22th, december:

today is my father's birthday. and i decided to make this day precious, not sad like the other two years and celebrate my dad's birth and the memories we had. i wore my clothes as if i were going to dinner with him, bought him a white rose and "talked" to him as if it were all the same. but it's hard to talk to a cinder block and not want to cry (but i did, obviously). i remembered when it was his birthday, we were going to a restaurant, talking awkwardly but comfortably. it was us. and i miss it so much. in four days it will be my birthday y i don't want to think about it, but what can I do? i have prayed for my father to rest in peace and i hope that will come true. today is about him. how much i miss him, how funny it is that he knew EVERYTHING and how he told his stories with that "dad humor". it's about his favorite song, my favorite memory about it and hanging out together. it's a day about him. my father. and how i miss him. dad, please be proud of me. and i love you. pray for me, okay? i love you. and i miss you so much, that every second, dad, i feel the pain increase. but... yeah, thanks for being my dad and i love you. rest in peace dad i love you.

• 30th, november:

it's rainy outside. yesterday was rained too and yesterday was the 2nd year without my father cuz he was passed away. i'm depressive even though i was doing everything to "soften" the pain. but the pain in invitable. i was light up a candle to him, pray for him get well whathever he is. i don't know about life after death or souls, but i believe he was in somewere, resting, looking at me and keep me safe - even it's complicated, because i'm depressive as hell and the bipolarity was fuck me as hell. and today................ i was cried like a baby.........again. isn't easy for me after year year with this memory about him necrotery... before burial and after they. i have so painful memories about this day and however i try live my life, it's like a rope in my hands, constantly reminding me that he passed away. the word of day: pain. just pain. and saudade. i miss him so much. his voice, yours moments like travels, stay with him working or just walk and eat some pizzas. haha. they are good memories, but the bads memories are more strong that i could to support. again, it's raining out there and thats become stronger and i feel fear with lightnings and thunders. i know that but, i love you dad and i missed you everyday. stay safe, keep looking at me and I will make you proud. i promise.

• 27th, november:

it's sunday and i have lunched in my auntie today - it's so good, i wanna crying when i was eating, but i'm waiting for answers about a job. gosh, i need a job. and i have so many thing to writting but my mind in blanc. i think my two braincells is dead.

• 17th, november.

hi. i have decided one thing: english isn't for me. i can talk in my head, maybe writting, but never talking with other people. I.CAN'T.DO.THAT. i have posted on my instagram, some trieds for talking simple thinks, like, hi, my name and i making this video for... but, i can't talk because myself can undestood. my tongue just hate english, but in spanish, i'm completely confident. is simple, i can talk, dialogue and i feel like i was latin in other life, because i'm confort talking in spanish. and today, i was talking w my college friend en espanhol y fue tan simples qué quedamos hablando en español por horas y yo no me dava cuenta. fue fantastico. so, i'll move for latin america and start a new life ----thing i was thinking to do in english countries. yeah, i wanna desapear :) my psicologist is to other city and our sessions are gone. i cried so much today such like a crybaby and i feel like if i lost her and i'm lost too. i'm so sad and i'll know my new terapist in january, but, what about jess? i missed her so much and i'll gonna cry again. why i'm always losing?

• 10th, november.

gosh, how can my sister arruin my day in five minutes or less just calling me and talking a lot of shit. GOSH, she's so stupid and my mother is ordering to me help her BUT I DON'T WANNA DO THIS. make a college/university is hard, terrible, but is a process too. you HAVE TO LEARN THIS to MAKE THIS on you want to do. but her don't. gosh, i'm so frustate and i wanna kill myself, it's so stresseful, gosh I CAN'T DO THIS. and this is the shit of the week. i wanna desapear. i don't know, but MAYBE just travel to somewhere when i can't make contact w this people. only my niece because she's cute with her girlfriend and i'll protect them agaisn't the world, yes. so, it is. see you, i guess---

• 2nd, november.

hi, so how you doing? or it's hoy you did in this day? idk how writing this but, TODAY as THE day. in brazil, today is a holiday called "finados", a day to remember our deceased and i had to go in cemetery with my mom. obsiously i'm crying like a baby because i miss my dad so much and it's so sad to see my mom on my brother grave* (i don't know the word for this and google tell me as "grave" and idk on whatahell ppl talking graves or grave-v--- - -between), yeah, i visited my brother's grave. i crying a lot today and i a jealousy because for other peoples, today is 'just' a day to celebrate---idon't know what they celebrate, but for me is a reminder that part of my family isn't here anymore. most of them is not here and they are important. i swear, i giving everything in my hole life just for hug my father once again and say to him how much i love him. and i miss him. yeah, crying a lot now. in theses days i'm not good at all. my cat feelin this and he's so much close than before and i feel like he undestand when i wanna just give up and he stay by my side. for real guys, i love my son so much. i want to back here and writing about some different days or something not than sad, but i'm loneless and this hurt so fucking much. i have teraphy on this days but is so much things stuck in my head and i can't sleep well as a been like to sleep. my sister is bothering me again and again. i don't have a job yet and i cut my hair so shorty---- my mom just freak out when see's me... how i explain? i have shaved my hair myseld with a scissor and that's it. its so short than a boy hair. i really don't care for this because i want to feel me alive, did you know? i have seen my reflex on mirror and i hate that so much and i need be someone else. run away. just go. but i can't and my hair is my victim. maybe, just maybe i'll pull a new piercing just to feel the pain and that's make me feel like alive? i dont know. so, i'm just sad about that. oh, i was forgotten, but, i was talking in spanish with a guy... like a few words, but makes me feel good to talk into languages. and this is just a excuse for training in english? maybe. OH, I FORGOT. i have my scription on vestibular *sorry, it's to late to google now* and i'll make college/university again. but, as like pedagogy. eerrr, i hope so i can pass into exam and the fact i was curse pedagogy. i only will know about it in december ---btw. have a good night, reader. i'll correct my writing later or no, just leave at as. idk. bye. i hope you doing well if you is a person that i respect. or just die if you is a fascist, mysoginist or just radfem. i don't give a fuck for your existence. wowowowo. this is to 0 as 100 too fast. bleh, i just medicated an i'm losting in was i'm writting--fck, i'll go. bye,

• 22th, octtober.

this is halloween, this is halloween <3 na na na na <3 my season favorite IT'S HERE, it's october <3 but i not happy at all, i mean, i have bougth a witch hat and a pumpikin head, but, i don't have a job yet and my sister it's boring me. i have watchig so many bl's and i have loved some of them so much, gosh, japanese bl, in your majority, is cute. FUCKING CUTE. i'm so happy with my witch hat hahaha it's perfect but fragile to... and talking 'bout fragile, I'M ANTI FRAGILE FRAGILE, I'M ANTI TI TI oh. hmmm, i have so many words in my mind, so many things to write but i'm feeling like i don't have a capacity to write about them now. my vocabulary are limited. so, i'm going out now.

• 13th, september.

i have painted my hair in green!!! yaas, i have tried change something on me and what can do and why my hair is so easy to color? bleh, i liked, but some people looking at me like 'a broccolli' or just 'the girl cuz don't have a job' bc yes, i don't have a job and i'm going crazy. aaahhh, i need money and a piece of cake with a macchiato bc i deserve it. i was watching 'h2o mermaids' and is so stupid, but remembered of mu childhood, is cool at the same time, i guess. i'll graduate in two days and i'm nervous. finally, i'm officially a sociologist but i don't have yet a object to explore and writting about it. i need sleep right now. is 01:52 am and i'm so sleepy in this days.................. i have to do something, study or someting like that, but DOING SOMETHING. chaos. and strangers dreamings.

• 31th, august

I LOVE TALK THAT TALK SO MUCH

seriuosly, jihyo is so fucking pretty and i love her so much and this comeback is perfect i love it and i'm doing the correction of my work and wacthing extraordinary attorney woo - that series make me so happy with the whales and sounds of the beauties creatures - and obvious, i love woo yongwoo too. i have to finish that work and publish tomorrow. i need some help on this. i'm sleepy. it's 02:03 of mañana. morning. i olvide la palavbra y ahora estoy escribiendo en espanish or english, some words is so confusing in my mind. ah, i hae another thing to note: "todo mi caos ordenado". i love it when i seen it. makes sense to me. OKAY, I UNDERSTAND: nephew is for male and niece is for female. gosh, i learn this now and i don't imagined the difference. that's sucks.

• 23th, august:

rigth now i'm feeling so stupid bc i'm making drama about my (the word that i don't know yet) and "it´s simple"! it´s just write some few words in my """academic job""" and it's the end. but nooooooooooo, mentally it's the horrible thing to do now bc i don't want do that BUT i DON'T HAVE NOBODY FOR DO IT FOR ME hehehehehehe i'm so sad about this, i have to read a mont of articles and MORE ARTICLES about a theme at i'm satured and writing about it again and again gosh ít´s sufocate (it's sufocate? it's sufocating me? i'm learn abt later) all of this is just to say: i hate that shit so much and i need vAcations