f a v o r i t o s

• 🎧 lana del rey ▸ say yes to heaven
• 🎬 taylor swift: the eras tour, 2023
• 🎬 cuando acecha la maldad, 2023
• 📺 yellowjackets, season 1 & 2

f e i t o s

• terapia: 03, 16,
• 02 ⠀churrasco na praia com amigos
• 07 ⠀mêsversário de bernardo
• 11 ⠀assisti ao eras tour no cinema
• 19 ⠀concurso
• 25 ⠀madrinha de casamento

o b s e r v a ç õ e s 　 (possible tw: self-harm)

• 09.11 → i really don't know why i am the way i am, i swear i try to be different, i try with all my strength, but it's in vain, 'cause i can't change. now i'm doing therapy, but i don't think it will help me. here's the thing: i'm kinda of a negacionist when it comes to myself, i never believe any treatment will actually work on me, i don't know, maybe it's because i'm used to be this way or maybe because i've heard way too many times from way too many people that i'm this way because i want to be and that i won't ever change because the problem is me, i'm too lazy, i'm too insensitive to other, i'm dumb, i'm nothing, i was born broken. maybe they've been right all along. i forgot about my therapy session today. i let the potatoes and tomatoes rot. i can't do anything right.
• 21.11 → until today, i've done 2 sessions of therapy, and i think i doing better even though i spent most of november laying in bed depressed and way too anxious to get up and live my life, i was paralyzed by the fear of life itself. on therapy i've realized that most of my traumas and hurtful memories revolve around my aunt in some way or another, i'm finnaly understanding that she really wasn't my childhood hero, she actually destroyed my childhood, and now i'm trying to rebuild my life without her. i've decided to donate all the gifts she gave me in the past, i don't want to weighed down by memories of her and i've finally cut all ties with her. i'm trying to learn that i don't owe anything to anyone. i'll learn to be independent and free. i'm taking my meds again. tomorrow i'll begin my unpaid internship in the hospital as a nurse, and i'm anxious, i'm trembling whilst writing this, but i'll try to be strong, i know i can be.
• 24.11 → wednesday was my first day at the nursing internship, it was pretty different from all my previous experiences and certainly surpassed all my expectations and, to my surprise, i did very well on the tasks assigned to me. i'm proud of myself. today i bought a beautiful heel, the first one ever i've actually liked, to use at the wedding tomorrow and i think i've finally realized why women love heels so much, i felt so sensual, womanly and elegant wearing them.
• 28.11 → back into depression mode. it seems like i can't never get anything right. my husband is giving me the silent treatment since last night and i'm sick of it already, i'll just ignore him from now on whenever he does it again and boy he does it often. but there's a bright side in everything and i felt inspired to write to ease my mood and understand my feelings. i have so much to tell my therapist.