a summary of this and that

• make people talk about themselves
• talk about them ("you"), not "I" (exception: when giving criticism, do the opposite)
  • e.g. instead of "I read this great book", "You would love this book I read", instead of "Great job" say "You did a great job"
• don't worry about what you said during a conversation; people mostly remember how they felt during the conversation, not what was actually said
• imagine the person you're speaking to is a celebrity, or imagine them having angel wings
• don't try to impress people. let them impress you, and they will love you for it.
• don't try to sound smart; make them feel smart
• don't mention things you don't want to happen, because they will remember it being mentioned. e.g. say "feel free to call anytime" instead of "don't hesitate to call"
• use sensory-rich language (e.g. pictures, metaphors, ...)
• body language affects our mood: if someone is sitting in a defense position, try to break that (e.g. by handing them something)
• to seem confident and powerful, take up more space (e.g. by sitting sideways on a chair, putting your feet on the table, etc)
• to make people like you, ask them for things like favors or their opinions
  • remind people of any help they've given you in the past (they will think "wow, i must really like them")
• remind people that they have chosen you (they will think "wow, i must really like them")
• tell people the impact they've had on your life (people care more about things they have impacted)
• for compassion boost: consider an alternate reality, e.g. "that person was speeding to get to the hospital"
• the start and end of a conversation is the most important. even in a difficult situation, make sure the start and the end is positive
• when presenting, stop thinking about yourself and how you're doing; instead ask yourself how your audience is doing
• describing people a certain way will make them act accordingly (e.g. if you want someone to be charitable, tell them that they are charitable before asking them for something)
• 3 step process for internal discomfort:
  • 1. destigmatize: we all experience discomfort like this sometimes, it's normal
  • 2. neutralize: our thoughts are not always accurate
  • 3. rewrite reality: interpret the situation in a way that makes it less uncomfortable (e.g. "that person was speeding to get to the hospital")

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• listen to understand, not to respond. don't have your answer ready while they're still talking.
• mirror their energy, body language and way of talking
• don't concentrate on the outcome of the conversation (e.g. will they like me after this?) but the conversation in the present (e.g. what are they talking about?)

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✱ ‍ ‍‍ 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙍𝙄𝙎𝙈𝘼

how to be charismatic:

• give (real) compliments, make people feel good about themselves
• people love to talk about themselves
• bring (real) high enthusiasm even to small talk
• use their name
• pretend you're already friends
• fake it till you make it

3 components:

• presence: paying attention, make others feel listened to and respected
• power: give others the feelings you have power
• warmth: be nice, give others the feeling you would use your power for them

4 types of charisma:

• authority to impress, intimidate and lead
  • requires high confidence
  • good for crisis situations and business
  • con: can seem arrogant
  • make sure to also be warm
• visionary to inspire and make certain
  • requires absolute conviction in a cause/faith/belief
  • good for inspiring creativity and teamwork
  • con: can seem overzealous
  • make sure to also how vulnerability
• focus to make people feel listened to and understood
  • requires presence, attention and focus
  • good for ..uhh.... idk
  • con: can seem eager, submissive, intense or interrogating
  • make sure to also show confidence and warmth
• kindness to make people feel accepted and cherished
  • requires warmth, caring and acceptance
  • good for creating an emotion bond and making you likeable
  • con: can lead to over-attachment and oversharing
  • make sure to also show confidence

practices:

• use confident/happy poses to change how you feel
  • for authority: military commander pose
  • for confidence: superman pose
  • for joy: "i just won the lottery" jumping around
• practice being confident in the mirror
• imagine God/the universe/anything telling you you're perfect and everything will be alright
• imagine (visually and with all senses, or even better: write it down) the situation going perfectly
• write down all the good things about you / your life using 3rd person (e.g. "She is intelligent...")

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✱ ‍ ‍‍ 𝘽𝙊𝘿𝙔 𝙇𝘼𝙉𝙂𝙐𝘼𝙂𝙀

• people notice even the faintest body language, so your best bet is to make sure you're mentally feeling whatever you want your body language to express (e.g. confidence, warmth, focus, ...)

how to talk:

• don't nod too often
• never give verbal reassurance ("uh-huh", "yeah") more than once per sentence
• don't fidget; to seem confident, move as little as possible
• bring your chin down when looking at someone
• wait 1-2 seconds before responding
• talk slower
• never interrupt
• drop intonation at the end of sentences (opposite of question)
• breathe through your nose, not your mouth (otherwise you will sound out-of-breath)

the perfect handshake:

• if seated, rise for the handshake
• keep hand straight (don't turn palm up/down to a submissive/dominant position)
• press as tightly as the other person
• give eye contact and a quick(!) smile

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✱ ‍ ‍‍ 𝘾𝙊𝙉𝙑𝙀𝙍𝙎𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

how to start a conversation:

• talk about immediate environment or shared experiences, e.g. weather, place, event, "do you know anybody here?"
• (pretend like you already know the other person or like you're friends)

how to respond:

• "tell me more"
• ask questions, 3 types:
  • direction/leading: to lead the conversation to a different topic
  • understanding: make the other person feel understood
  • clarity: asking for more details
• repeat what they said in question form, e.g. "Oh you were in Italy?"
• latch on to what they've brought up themselves, because that's what they're most interested in / want to talk about
• never ask a question if you can't do anything with the answer (e.g. asking what breed of dog they have if you don't know any dog breeds)
• telling short stories: 1. action/setting, 2. interesting part, 3. emotion, e.g.: "I went on a date last week. I totally dropped my plate of food. It was so embarrassing I wanted to die."

how to end a conversation:

• comment on the conversation + say you need/want to leave + ask for exchange of numbers/socials to continue conversation, e.g. "Well this was fun, but I need to get home now. Do you maybe want to exchange Insta?"