i cannot listen to these songs without thinking of him. making this list is cathartic for me. tw for emotional abuse, sexual assault, and suicide.

• 1958, a day to remember
  • you've sunk lower than i've ever seen, and even though you deserved this i tried to catch your fall
  • i've grown so tired of your childish threats
  • what have you become through your jealousy? you've threatened my life, my friends and family
    • my friends, family and i received a few threats. all empty, but scary nonetheless. the threats aimed at me were made via a fake facebook profile of a woman (made by him, of course, and at the beginning of the relationship to boot; i didn't know it was him until later) or comments that his female family/friends wanted to "bash" me after i broke up with him. all of the people who supposedly wanted to hurt me were over the age of 18, while i was a minor.
• blow, atreyu
  • you tell me lies, and you get what you get, so blow those fucking words out the back of your head
    • a little violent i'll admit, but i listened to this song a lot when i discovered he started a smear campaign against me and that the relationship was built on lies, so i was obviously pissed off.
• brick by boring brick, paramore
  • so one day he found her crying, coiled up on the dirty ground. her prince finally came to save her, and the rest you can figure out. but it was a trick...
• dying in your arms, trivium
  • but if i shoved you far away, this addict just starved again, asphyxiated
  • you poisoned my life so i take this knife and i cut you out
    • there was a lot of push and pull from me at the end of the relationship. i felt like i needed him, that no one else could ever love me (the result of emotional abuse), but i couldn't deal being mistreated anymore. i'd let him back in, he'd hurt me, i'd push him out, he'd apologize, i'd realize how much i missed him. repeat. i finally worked up the courage to block him on everything and begin healing.
• everything ends, slipknot
  • every day it's the same, i love, you hate
    • how it felt, though he always told me it was the opposite - that i didn't care enough for him. the truth was i could never do anything to please him, even when i went out of my way for him, dodging all obstacles put in my path to go to him, bending over backwards to do what he wanted, ruining relationships with friends and family because he didn't like me having them.
• hit the floor, linkin park
  • god, this whole song.
  • there are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me, wondering what i think of you and i protect you out of courtesy
  • too many times that i’ve held on when i needed to push away, afraid to say what was on my mind, afraid to say what i need to say
  • too many things that you’ve said about me when i’m not around; you think having the upper hand means you gotta keep puttin' me down
  • so many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
  • so many people like me walk on eggshells all day long; all i know is that all i want is to feel like i’m not stepped on
  • there are so many things you say that make me feel you crossed the line
  • i know i’ll never trust a single thing you say. you knew your lies would divide us, but you lied anyway. and all the lies have got you floating up above us all; but what goes up has got to fall
  • it's kind of ironic that i connect this to him when he would often listen to a song by the same name by bullet for my valentine whenever i was around, which is creepy as the lyrics are about stalking, obsession, and anger. i still can't listen to it now for that very reason.
• ignorance, paramore
  • also pretty much the whole song.
  • where's your gavel? your jury? what's my offense this time? you're not a judge, but if you're gonna judge me, well, sentence me to another life
  • this is the best thing that could have happened, any longer and i wouldn't have made it
    • referring to the end of the relationship.
• in my head, ariana grande
  • you’re in love with a version of a person that you've created in your head, that you are trying to but cannot fix
  • painted a picture, i thought i knew you well. i got a habit of seeing what isn't there
  • my imagination's too creative, they see demon, i see angel, angel angel; without the halo, wingless angel
    • a lot of people questioned the relationship and what i saw in him, or kept quiet and then commented that they didn't like him once we broke up.
  • wanted you to grow, but boy you wasn't budding. everything you are made you everything you aren’t. i saw your potential without seein' credentials
• in the end, linkin park
  • i kept everything inside, and even though i tried, it all fell apart
  • i tried so hard in spite of the way you were mockin' me, actin' like i was part of your property, rememberin' all the times you fought with me, i'm surprised it got so far
• playing god, paramore
  • this. whole. song. i remember being blown away when i first listened to it (a couple of weeks post-breakup) because it fit so perfectly.
  • can't make my own decisions, or make any with precision; well, maybe you should tie me up so i don't go where you don't want me
    • he hated me doing things without him and would often accuse me of cheating or trying to leave him when i spent time with my family or friends instead of with him.
  • you say that i've been changing, that i'm not just simply aging. yeah, how could that be logical? just keep on cramming ideas down my throat
    • i always got this remark towards the end. "you've changed" or "you don't care about me like you used to." the only thing that changed about me was that i started defending myself against his attacks more.
  • it has to be so lonely to be the only one who's holy. it's just my humble opinion, but it's one that i believe in: you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you
    • of course, i was always wrong, and he always knew best. he had no real empathy for my pain, sometimes even telling me to stop being sad around him or guilt tripping me for not cheering up when he called me or was intimate with me, yet i made allowances and prioritized him whenever he was struggling - though this was usually met with anger or remarks that i need to do "more", and was conveniently forgotten about later.
  • this is the last second chance... i'm on both sides of the fence, without a hint of regret i'll hold you to it
    • regarding me giving him more chances, and then deciding to let go. once i got out of that push-pull cycle, i didn't feel any regret for leaving.
• praying, kesha
  • well, you almost had me fooled, told me that i was nothing without you. oh, but after everything you've done, i can thank you for how strong i have become
  • ’cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell. i had to learn how to fight for myself. and we both know all the truth i could tell; i'll just say this: i wish you farewell
• wake up, three days grace
  • this song is made up of thing he used to say to me.
  • you bring me down, at least you try
    • he had this delusion that i was trying to make his life more difficult, when in reality i did whatever i could for him whenever i had the option (i was underage, still at school and lived with my parents, so i didn't have as much freedom as he demanded from me to give to him). "bringing him down" was me learning how to stick up for myself.
  • wake up, i’m pounding on the door. i’m not the man i was before... i won’t hurt you anymore. where the hell are you when i need you?
    • this compares to the texts and messages i would wake up to after the breakup (before i changed my number.) there were only two flavours to these messages: "sorry for hurting you, i'll be better to you if you take me back" and "you bitch/slut, after everything i've done for you, you decide to hurt me? i needed you and you used me."
• walk away, christina aguilera
  • i was naive, your love was like candy. artificially sweet, i was deceived by the wrapping
    • i was only young when this relationship started; 16 to his 21. it was also my first relationship. so yeah, i was very naive, and fell for the shallow mask he presented to me.
  • i was prey in your bed and devoured completely
    • i was sexually assaulted.
  • oh, and it hurts my soul 'cause i can't let go... 'cause i keep goin' right back to the one thing that i need to walk away from
  • couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion. now i've been lickin' my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
• you don't own me, lesley gore
  • the whole song. "don't say i can't go with other boys", in my case, is about me telling him i should be able to have guy friends without him accusing me of sleeping with them and telling me to stop talking to them.