— briefly what happened each day.

• 01.04 | the majority of my time was spent on my bed, was watching "according to jim", drinking cups of tea and coffee, peeing, took one terrible nap, felt like dying, wrote in my journals, tried to purge
• 02.04 | first i took 900 mg gabapentin hoping to get high, but did not. in the morning went to the psychotherapy and psychosomatics conference at uni, nearly fell asleep as i only had 5 hours of sleep. went home, took a nap. after my nap drove with a tram to the movie theatre and saw "Blakus" which I loved, then got home and watched According to Jim and Viss pa jaunam. drank coffee and tea, wrote
• 03.04 | barely woke up, spent literally the whole day watching “According to Jim” and sleeping, eating, and at the end crying and hitting my leg because I felt like a fake
• 04.04 | had therapy, OGC
• 05.04 | depression + cried because of a tv show character Dana from “According to Jim”
• 06.04 | finished watching Sabrina part 2 and felt miserable
• 07.04 | finished rewatching the whole “According to Jim”, started rewatching “How I Met Your Mother” but still was majorly depressed
• 08.04 | woke up at around 8 am to put in my contact lenses, which surprisingly took me only one try. went to uni, was like 4 minutes late to the English lecture, explained to my course mates what AVPD was, as we discussed the subject of phobias, and the teacher asked if anyone knew what AVPD was (since it’s related to social phobia) and then i explained and she said “exactly”. then i went home watched a few episodes of HIMYM, drank a cup of coffee, drove back to uni, then it ended up the lecture won’t start for another 2 hours so my 2 friends and i went to my course mate’s place where we looked at online shopping sites, had a laugh and decided we’ll ditch the lecture. then i went home, cooked fish fingers and cleaned my room, watched HIMYM
• 09.04 | stayed on my bed pretty much the whole fucking day, also cleaned the kitchen a bit
• 10.04 | stayed in bed, did absolutely nothing
• 11.04 | went to uni, was very anxious before, wanted it to end already. drove home, went to the store was in a really good mood, got home, watched HIMYM. at like 8 pm listened to my mom's stories of italy, which were very amusing and sounded fun, ate panna cotta, went to bed early as i was extremely tired
• 12.04 | got to uni like 40 mins early again. wrote my english test, was worried i won't get a 10, still am worried. got home ate a lot, felt very huge the whole day, ED thoughts were back. was very good the whole day pretty much until like 8 pm when i got bad and started getting self harm urges and mild suicidal thoughts i guess. mood swings throughout the day i guess. but not major ones. watched a lot of HIMYM which always cheers me up
• 13.04 | the whole day i spent watching HIMYM. at night i started getting very bad progressively - started getting self harm urges which i overcame eventually, and became suicidal. opened an email which said i got another 10 in english, was not surprised, but glad
• 14.04 | spent the day watching HIMYM, went to the store to buy a big bottle of coke zero (2 litres), wrote in my journal at like 8 pm, drank cups of cocoa + burnt the milk like the idiot i am, started getting paranoid and felt like i cannot trust anyone. tried to help someone online who's suicidal, felt desperate and scared
• 15.04 | spent the whole day on bed watching HIMYM, downloded all seasons of AHS, started watching murder house. was very sad about the notre dame burning down. felt slight abandonment fears. chatted a lot with best friends. went through mood swings a bit. read a little. wrote a little
• 16.04 - 17.04 | probably nothing useful
• 18.04 | psych at 8 am, got prescribed lexapro, taken off geodon. went to therapy, went well, drove to my mom's work with the 11th tram, then we drove home in a car. can't remember the rest, probably HIMYM, coffee, food, napping. oh, had OGC at Rimi, was extremely mad about it, but it went away eventually, bought apple cider i did not drink
• 19.04 | did fucking nothing. except i cut deep and regretted it right after, didn't nap, even after i had taken carba in the morning. spotify in hunt for new music, HIMYM of course. coffee as usual. chatted with friends.
• 20.04 | mom managed to wake me up was mad at first because i did not want to go anywhere, but at the end i decided i will. we drove to Dobele, checked out my uncle's store, bought some things. drove to the castle ruins of Dobele took some pictures. drove to eat at a nice bar, had a good meal.
• 21.04 | mom, sister and i drove to my grandma's, picked her up, drove to the cemetery of my grandma's relatives, cleaned there, drove back to my grandma's store. then drove to my uncle's, had fun with my little cousin, mom and i drove to the store, bought the ingredients for pina coladas, had some, talked, went to bed early
• 22.04 | woke up pretty early (for me), for a few hours mom and i helped at my uncle's store, had a break, i ate sweet potato fries, drove back to riga. started getting a huge headache, took a nap, suffered.
• 23.04 - 24.04 | idfk, at home? oh, i purged twice on one of those days
• 25.04 | my sister had her 7th birthday. mom and her and i went to get my sis's ears pierced, drove to GC to eat a pizzeria, bought my sis new shoes, as the ones she was wearing were starting to hurt her. saw the movie dumbo at the movie theatre. drove to the mall, got ice cream, bought a new foundation and a hot dog. got home and they were supposed to go to the spa, but they were too exhausted, i wouldn't have gone anyway because of my period.
• 26.04 | spent the whole day (almost) in pain, because i had the flu plus a high temperature.
• 27.04 | my sis celebrated her birthday with her kindergarten friends at a cool place, had some food, drove home unpacked, started to clean the house. i cleaned the whole bathroom + the floor of the kitchen + the dishes. wanted to stay up late, but was exhausted. woke up at like midnight, stayed up for 2 hours, fell back asleep, hallucinated before.
• 28.04 | mom woke me up, did not want to leave the bed. met up with my uncle, aunt, 3 cousins and grandma. ate some food, talked, played with my little cousin. drove to Alfa to get the new e l james' book, plus bought myself coffee and iced tea for sis and coke zero for me. cleaned my room a bit, ocd was itching at the back of my head, HIMYM, viss pa jaunam, cleaned my water bottle, was shocked at how dirty it had gotten, ate a bit.
• 29.04 | drank 2 coffees, went to uni sat there for solid 3 hours listening or rather trying to listen to presentations, drove to meet up with mom, went to mcdonald's ate a meal and was very full, went to see the new avengers movie, cried at the end, ran to the bus stop for the tram, drove home, went to statoil with step dad and bought large iced tea, watched a few videos and went to sleep at like 3 am, oh and accidentally triggered myself on top of that.
• 30.04 | did some school work, chatted, mood dropped at night, read a bit, wrote a bit, watched HIMYM, bought coke zero and chips.