♡‧₊ 　 october.

• 01. woke up quite late - 1 PM, had no motivation to leave the bed. got new glasses. went to get my meds. ate pancakes with chocolate sauce, ordered food - chicken shaslik with potatoes, started watching Thor, but decided I'd try to sleep. no luck falling asleep.
• 02. drove to Ligatne with mom and sister. met up with grandma. ate kebabs and talked. walked around Ligatne, took pictures. drove back. drank a cocktail. started watching squid game. was angry at my sister, because she'd rather let a tiramisu go bad than give it to me.
• 03. was very unproductive, watched squid game, ate delicious food, drank more coffee than usual, watched the x factor
• 04. had DBT group therapy online, walked to meet up with a course mate to fetch a sticker for my student id card, finished watching squid game, finished reading midnight library, watched "you", experienced a global whatsapp (facebook and instagram too but i'm no longer on them) outage
• 05. i was suicidal this morning for a reason unspecified, mood swings, went and bought diazepam at around 9 am, was chill for hours, evidently took a nap, listened to mitski's new song for hours, went to the store, bought cider, drank it with a bunch of diazepams, ate ceaser's salad, watched you and journaled, went to bed quite soon, because i was exhausted.
• 06. woke up at 3am at first, then went back to sleep. then woke up still very tired, but stayed up. finished all my diazepams, unfortunately. mom, sister and step dad and i went to mcdonald's and then the store, drank wine.
• 07. don't remember the first part of the day. did some DBT workbook work. kept moving places. colored. went to buy DXM.
• 08. was super super tired during the morning, ordered food for sister and i, watched tv shows and movies on step dad's pc, took nootropics, went to the store with my sister, had therapy, painted my nails black, watched tv, workbooks
• 09. only slept for max 2 hours. was sick from the nootropics. ordered KFC. worked a bit on my BPD workbook. finished notes on DBT addiction handouts, printed and highlighted. spent a lot of time on listography. moved to my step dad's study. went to the store. watched knives out. made a new vent account, but can't figure out what to write in it. fed the cats.
• 10. wasn't productive almost at all. watched the x -factor. took more fckin nootropics, felt sick, bought a cider. had a mini conflict with my sister. had a headache.
• 11. felt sick for most of the day. almost cancelled DBT, but ended up going. drove back to my flat. unpacked. went to buy DXM in the dark . was almost attacked. watched WandaVision, cried my eyes out. listened to spotify
• 18. i had no sleep or food, drank coffee and a bit of coke zero, kept taking ritalin, but not "too much". had DBT. watched Wanda, cried again and as per usual, listened to what is grief? playlist, wrote a bit, spent time on phone, chatted with people, hallucinated (from lack of sleep)
• 20. woke up depressed and tired, went to get money and to the store, watched a lot of B99, which lifted my mood, took a nap, cleaned up a bit, removed my nail polish, brushed teeth, went to bed early
• 21. had a hard time getting out of bed (as usual), avoided lectures, watched and finished you FINALLY (fuckin hated the ending), colored and finished a coloring page (well technically two), went to the ATM, which was CLOSED, took a xanax because i was having a breakdown over you, listened to the you soundtrack and added to my playlist
• 25. played cards with cousin and grandma, said goodbye to them, had fucking OGC AGAIN, watched the x-factor, joined DBT in the middle of it (so an hour), watched some TV, went to bed super early because of OGC
• 27. woke up anxious AGAIN, had therapy at 12, did progressive muscle relaxation right before it, which helped, went to see my psychiatrist, got meds, talked to grandma on the phone, watched the office, took diazepam, filled out my DBT diary card, listened to music, wanted to read a book, journaled.
• 28. was moody throughout the day, especially at night, did not sleep, watched wandavision and cried AGAIN, purged (relapsed in bulimia), chatted on discord, listened to Spotify
• 30. woke up veeery depressed, managed to go to my mom's for her halloween party, helped her decorate the house, clean and make food, took 2 naps, because i was EXHAUSTED, went to get mochis, talked about going inpatient, ate good food, watched a horror movie, fell asleep super early (9pm)
• 31. was at mom's, drove back home early with a tram, gave Amy more food, watched The Office, had bad mood swings, anger attack, watched the x factor, took meds very early, akathisia

♡‧₊ 　 november.

• 01. was EXTREMELY anxious before group, chatted a bit with Guna, watched a lot of The Office, had a good group DBT session, went to the store and relapsed in alcohol, went to bed super early
• 02. watched a lot of the office, had a lecture, had OGC, decided to quit my meds, cleaned up a bit, finished wine
• 03. woke up early again, drank tea and watched my shows, had therapy, attended a lecture where i actually spoke, watched wanda and the office, chatted, listened to music, colored A BIT, printed out DBT sheets, wrote a bit of notes from the DBT manual, went to bed early-ish with a sleeping pill (clozapine)
• 04. woke up early (again), watched the office and wanda (my usual), spent more time in the study, listened to a lot of spotify, did my DBT skills, cried, had a sudden urge to do a lot of things, then crashed, mood swings, splitting on my friend (sort of)
• 12. it was shard to wake up, met up with Gundega, took a walk. drove to Alfa, bought a 70s Wanda funko pop, which I'm very happy about. got 10 mg xanax from Gudnega, drove home with a bus. took xans, wacthed Wanda (but only the first 7 eps, because I cannot handle another crying session), colored, journaled, watched the office, ordered a falafel plate with churros, stayed up late
• 24. woke up very tired. watched some Mīla Kemperī. made iced tea. was extremely irritated still. tried phoning my psych, but she would not pick up. eventually she did, she wasn't angry (to my surprise)!! she prescribed me meds. later i wen to the pharmacy to get this anti anxiety syrup, then i fixed the brightness issue (finally). ate dinner.

♡‧₊ 　 december.

• 01. had therapy in the morning. took more seroquel (with 3 glasses of a tequila cocktail), only briefly fell asleep for max 30 mins. insomnia again later.
• 02. had 2 slices of mushroom pizza, listened to A LOT of adele. ♡‧ !!! had 2 more tequila cocktails, ate fries from mcdonald's. took seroquel again, wasn't even tired. more adele. more love quinn playlist.