— documenting the ups and downs of my daily life with mental illness.

september

• sep, 27th ⋆ stayed up until 6 am, then crashed down and woke up at 10 am. wanted to have a little fun so i mixed a low dose of xanax with a cider and then I drank a coke zero, 2 coffees and my regular meds on top. now feeling terrible & I want to sleep.
• sep, 28th ⋆ i kinda wanna mix xanax with another bottle of cider again, but i’ll leave it for tomorrow. today was exhausting because i had to meet someone new and it was awkward.
• sep, 29th ⋆ parents are yelling and i wanna fucking cut myself. i will! i’m gonna take another xanax. fuck this! chug it down on top of tequila.
• sep, 30th ⋆ today was horrible. i was gonna self harm & wanted to die. i took xanax twice - second time with alcohol. i’m so upset, bitter, mad, worried, sad.

OCTOBER

• oct, 1st ⋆ i’ve had one of the worst depression days in a very long time. i think my MDD is back maybe because i stopped taking lamictal. i also will probably cut.
• oct, 2nd ⋆ i’ve felt so hopeless and self loathing today. i felt like such a fake or an attention seeker even though i don’t do anything to appear i’m looking for attention. i also felt extremely guilty over how much therapy and meds cost.
• oct, 3rd ⋆ today has been very anxious, i’ve been exhausted the whole day even if i slept for 9 hours. took a 1 mg xanax before school and i felt so chill and nice.
• oct, 4th ⋆ someone from uni wrote “attention” next to my name and i felt so angry and sad about it.
• oct, 5th ⋆ cut myself and will do it again soon but a lot depeer. i also had an anger attack and i took 1 mg xanax during the day and now i’ve taken another mg.
• oct, 6th ⋆ i was extremely depressed most of the day, but going to the mall and later getting drunk helped. i also got extremely bitter at one of my friends, but i cannot understand if i’m splitting on her or not.
• oct, 7th ⋆ was extremely anxious today for a while, had physical problems like nausea and diarrhea. was upset at my friend, couldn’t tell if i was/am splitting on her or not.
• oct, 8th ⋆ worst fucking day. had intense paranoia, anxiety plus whispers during a lecture, cut myself at like 9.30 pm, purged pasta at like 8 pm maybe? not sure. i think i binged, because it was A LOT of pasta, and i ate it very very fast. i feel very shitty and guilty now. regret cutting. also during purging i felt very hot and i was shaking at the end.
• oct, 9th ⋆ today was awful once again, i thought i had started my period plus i was checking my pants from yesterday’s self harm if there’s blood. plus i’ve had lots of problems with pain today. and now i suddenly feel so fucking depressed.
• oct, 10th ⋆ i’ve been feeling very hopeless and depressed and all the other symptoms of depression and i just wanna die, all my past symptoms have returned and are very intense and i don’t know how to cope other than abusing alcohol and xanax, but i’ll do that on saturday at the birthday party.
• oct, 11th ⋆ today i felt like i was severely depressed & alcohol helped me - mixed it with 1 mg xanax. didn’t take night meds.
• oct, 12th ⋆ i think yesterday was awful psychosis wise. i was extremely paranoid and disoriented and had small hallucinations. also found out i might have stpd. feared i was bleeding through my pants, but i wasn’t thankfully.
• oct, 13th ⋆ honestly fuck this day, but it was also fun.
• oct, 14th ⋆ was so fucking depressed and paranoid and i felt physically sick, had a headache so basically a hangover.
• oct, 15th - 18th ⋆ too depressed to function.
• oct, 19th ⋆ it wasn’t like the WORST day, but it was still pretty fucking bad. i’d say my depression was moderate today. was extremely anxious, took 0.5 mg xan felt better immediately.
• oct, 20th ⋆ god this day was so fucking bad, but at least i didn’t have suicidal thoughts just urges to cut. stayed in bed pretty much all day, hurts to leave it.
• oct, 21st ⋆ literally cannot remember anything.
• oct, 22nd ⋆ purged and kinda binged, but not really.
• oct, 23rd - 27th ⋆ was either too depressed and psychotic to write or just did not want to.
• oct, 28th - 29th ⋆ not sure why i didn’t write.
• oct, 30th ⋆ for some fucking reason i feel depressed again, but i don’t think it’s severe anymore. k fell asleep during a lecture today and then when i got home i had an urge to cut but i took a long nap.
• oct, 31st ⋆ kinda wanted to die a few times during the day but overall it was all okay.